thursday tote

I don't normally buy Reader's Digest, and I don't know why I grabbed this off the shelf and then paid for it at the counter. This comes with a free pink tote. 

Thing is, I don't collect totes.

And I don't like pink either. 

#totallypointlessentry

HAPPY THORSDAY!

take a bow

Morning.

Always my favourite time of the day. Especially when I have a breakfast date with the love of my life. Was ecstatic, you can't imagine how excited I was. 

10 am. Got your message cancelling our date. Your landlord's coming over to get some letters. 

Well, it had BS written all over it. It was actually her, asking for your help to get some furniture for her new place, which coincidentally is next to yours. 

Friday night. 

Waited for hours for our dinner date. Got your message, you're still out with your colleagues (really?). When we finally meet, you told me you've eaten. And I was.... yes, super hungry. 

Sunday morning. 

You told me to get you a coffee. Thing is, you wanted that 5 minutes of my absence, to reply her 'Good Morning'  messages.

Saturday night.

You excused yourself to go to the gents. Again, that 5 minutes of your absence, to reply her Facebook comments on your page. 

I would catch you at times, scrolling through her Facebook profile to check up on her. 

The same person you said you will never be with. The same thing you said you would never do. 

"There's different kinds of love. Some people you can love and let them go, because they have their careers etc. Like you and Julie. 

Some people, you just want to love and take care of."

I should've known better. Should've known that coward in you. 

For that you deserve each and every bit of this song.

Well, goodbye to you, painful, selfish memories. 

2013's ending in just about 3 weeks and you're an access baggage I should've just dropped off months ago.

monotonous

Have you heard of Yuna? If you haven't, then shame on you :P

I'm all black and white inside
Monotonous from left to right.

Man, I love this song.

return home

Just found out that a friend's father has passed away today. Innalillah. Sad thing is, she's currently in Paris for a migration project for the next 3 months. Not sure if she's going back for the funeral. This news broke  my heart. 

Imagine being in her shoes :'(

Nothing in this life is a coincidence. Gotta be prepared, man. 

step by step

I didn't know that I was actually under a lot of stress lately until I got hit by migraine a few days ago. Can't remember when was the last I had it. It started at the office after I was done with the emails. Thank God the emails didn't come in loads like they did last week, and I gotta thank my wonderful colleagues too for always helping me out when the mailbox was bombarded with a whole load of them. Was contemplating to even cancel my class that night but haish, too precious to cancel. Thank God the traffic was ok on the way back home. Reached home took some pills, rested and then went to class. 

I gotta admit, maybe I didn't take care of myself well enough lately, which also might have contributed to this. Doctor advised to go for walks (okay,doc. been pilling up on the kilos already *cries*) and also do some breathing exercises. Procrastination, hear hear.

I'm not too sure the exact source of stress. I do know that lately some part of my brain has triggered some memory, just macam tu jek. Padahal all this while dah lama tak terfikir pasal yang lepas2. And lately, I feel like I've been pushed to the limit by people close to me on this thing we call love. I know they mean well for me, they always do. They'd recommend people and stuff, but I don't know la. Sometimes part of me miss that part of dating etc, but most of the time, I'm think I'm still a little bit scared. How la? Slow slow je la kot. Anyways, I believe that He has my best interest at hand, so I don't have to worry too much. Ok kawan2ku yang sedang membaca luahan hatiku ni, don't worry about me too much ok. I am fine the way I am now :P Dating's fun but hanging out with u girls lagi fun tau  >.< 

Baby steps, katanyerrr.. 

Just a little note to all heartbreakers who might be reading this, when you break someone's heart, you rip them off everything that made them who they are. 

Their confidence. 

May He grant yourselves some humanity and love in your hearts. 

Ameen.

eid al-fitr

This entry has been in my draft folder for quite a while now. Since August! Hahaa. So I shall complete it today.

An uncle once said, "Setiap hati yang tenang melalui dugaan di bulan Ramadhan sememangnya menyambut Aidilfitri dengan kegembiraan."

This year, our Eid is evidently different from the previous years. For one, we are ALL together. Yeah, my nucleus family, all the 6 of us are all together.  Alhamdulillah. Secondly, we spend less this time around because of the financial state my family is in, but that's okay. Weird thing is, despite the lack in that department, we've been blessed with abundance of rizq, from relatives, friends and strangers. Jars of biscuits, homemade cakes, seats at our favourite (albeit always full) Laksa Sarawak place (one of the diners asked my mum to sit with them first to secure the seat. other people were still standing around waiting for vacant seats. rezeki hoi), crates of fizzy drinks, sofa. Yes, sofa even. Heh. Come to think of it, I just had to buy kek lapis (for home comsumption and as gifts for colleagues and friends) for Raya, and just made one  pandan cake. Our signature cake. That's it.

During Ramadhan this year before I head back to Kuching, I made a mental checklist for celebrating Raya. One of them is to have all my brothers help out with the house-cleaning and house-decorating. Surprisingly they were all in agreement! Good job! Well, considering everyone has their own agendas pre-Raya for the last few years, this is considered a huge improvement :)) And I was so pleased for that, alhamdulillah.

Next on my list was performing the Aidiladha prayers together, which we did, and for that I felt so, so blessed. My dad even took a video of us walking back from the mosque together :')

Our signature pandan cake in the making

Mummy!

 I love them so very much.
I pray for us to have a life of His blessings and that with His will, to be able to enter Jannah together, Ameen.

And for that, there is still a LOT to be done.

May Allah ease it for us ♥

The pious offspring who casts a single look of affection at this parents receives a reward equal to an accepted Hajj - Prophet Muhammad

change

There are 3 things you must do in order to make that change, according to Ustaz Haslin : 

1) start with small things 

This concidentally echoes Shaykh Yahya Ibrahim's point on the best (deed) are usually the simplest

2) start with yourself

Shaykh Sulaiman Moola says, 

"Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. 

Today I am wise, I'm changing myself."

3) start today

"Make time for ilm. Insha Allah it will change you. Ilmu ni perlu didatangi, perlu dicari. Ulama' dulu travel so far for knowledge"

Sister Wardina

dear future

My future Mr Zauj, this entry (including the video) is for you.

Know that you're always in my prayers.

:)

(please do play this video while you're reading through the entry, okie? it adds the feel to this entry. kihkih)

Sometimes it feels like I'm missing someone I've never even met. I'm excited, really, but I know we will only meet when we're ready.  I read somewhere that sometimes, we are not yet destined to meet our jodoh, because he/she is no longer around. This means that our jodoh is indeed with him/her, but we didn't make it to meeting each other because he/she has already been called to return home to Allah. If that is ever the case for me, I sure hope I will meet him in the Hereafter. Tapi tak sempat berbakti sebagai wifey, then how? Can still go Jannah together or not? :S The article I read didn't really elaborate on that, so I shall do some more reading on that. Interesting ,right? The things you stumble upon while trying to look for answers to a completely different question altogether, masha Allah. 

I recently came to a conclusion. That nothing in this life is a coincidence. It IS meant to be how it is. Not a mere coincidence, my friends.  My brother disagreed on this. You will come to that point of life, maybe many,many years later and see things clearer. That is when you will look back and say, "So that was what all that was about." Trust me, Allah is the all-Knower. His plans are always in the best of our interest. Even as you are doing what you are doing now, you will see what comes out of it sooner or later. Which is why you must always do good, have good intentions. Do you know that when you intend to do good, you get a point (translated to pahala in Malay), and when you really do it, you get another. YET, when you do a bad deed, your bad deed is not yet jotted down by the angels because they say, "Wait, maybe he will repent." How great is that? This is what I learnt from Syeikh Yusuf Estes, anyways. Do correct me if I understand it the wrong way. 

p/s : You can look for his video on deeds by his video title 'Deeds are by intention' in YouTube. He has this soothing voice like a father reading a bedtime story. I admit that I fell asleep on the sofa one night while watching him on the telly. It's his voice! He is nevertheless an inspiring character, at least to me, that is. 

Ah, I'm as usual strayed away from my path of writing on this jodoh thingamajig. Let's carry on.

Good men are for good women, vice versa. And lately, I've seen a quite a number of them united in walimahs, alhamdulillah. This has inspired me greatly. 

I pray to always be guided to be a better Muslim and to be reminded of when I'm not.

p/s : I've made 2 kinda big life decisions. I surely hope both will be manifested within this year, insha Allah :) I'll share more when I'm ready. 

"So then if a person reflects on the manifestations of God's perfection, beauty and majesty, as well as God's favour upon him or her, and meaning of love for Allah is engraved in the heart of this individual. And then, when love of Allah is engraved in the heart of a human being, that heart becomes attached to Allah. And the heart becoming attached to Allah, causes a removal of a veil from the heart so that the heart perceives its connection to God."

- Habib al-Jifri

  

sexy and i know it

Was in line at the KK Mart counter today and it was already my turn to have my purchases priced. Suddenly this African lady, with her hot pink hair and her hugs-u-in-all-the-not-so-right-places top, cut in front of me, putting her purchases of booze (i think, they were either bottles of booze or turpentine, i couldn't differentiate :P) on the counter. The cashier was not local, I think he was Nepalese or Bangladeshi, not so sure. In my mind, I dah set. Sure la the cashier would layan this hot momma first, tak kisah la she cut the line ke tak. 'Cos she's hot like that, you know. And I was just wearing this faded T-shirt and jeans *cries* 

I was all the time thinking, nowadays mana ada orang baik2 dah. Semua tengok berduit or not, cantik or not, I was mumbling in my head.

Suddenly he turned to me and said, "Akak, barang akak?" Hohoho. I was soooo taken aback. Turns out still ada orang baik2 ye. There's hope, there's hope!

That made my day today.

I'm pretty easy to please, like that. 

:)

on forgiveness

Somebody tweeted this and it immediately reminded me of you. 

Yes, this is for you. 

Like it's nothing. Kan?

Sometimes when I read, I come across words that inspire me and make me think about life. Like how pain is temporary, or like how time heals all wounds, or like sunshine comes after the rain, yada yada. I've also come across this one point that is so true but I find so hard to swallow. 

Forgive people as how you would want God to forgive you. That person might have wronged you but you have wronged God in so many other ways and yet He still forgives you again and again. 

Truth is, I don't know if I have forgiven you. I guess I haven't. It will take time, surely. I still remember how

you said that I often end up with bad guys and you're one of them, that I deserve better. So cliche like that, kan? Maybe la. Maybe I'm just not that lucky. Or maybe it's because of something I did in the past, I don't know. But I am sure that there is a reason for every meet and every parting. 

And I think the reason we met was so that I could taste a little bit of happiness even if it was only temporary. And I guess the reason we parted was so that I know what happens if we depend our happiness so much on something other than our Creator.  

Allahu allam. 

I keep reminding myself, and those close to me, to always find the good in everything. Find the hikmah. It makes you more thankful.

Like the verse from Surah Al-Sharh, 'Verily, with hardship comes ease.'  

I used to think that what the verse means is that AFTER the hardship, there will be ease. Thing is, it is not AFTER, it is WITH hardship comes ease. This means that, when Allah tests us with hardships, He doesn't make the entire situation hard for you. There will be ease or good in some ways. Which makes perfect sense. 

Otherwise, I wouldn't have embarked on this beautiful journey of faith, alhamdulillah. 

I'm still learning. I have an awful lot to learn, but I'm enjoying it. It's just that sometimes it feels like a roller-coaster ride. One day I'm in high spirits, the next, I'll be feeling blue. Keep reminding myself these days to recharge and recharge and RECHARGE. Hehe. 

Recharge and absorb.

And put them into action. 

Allah loves us, no matter how much we have sinned. 

And I hope I could find enough courage to forgive. 

This journey is a tough journey, and the heart has to be revived again and again to make it to the end 

Shaykh Hamza Yusuf

what i want #3 - take time off for each other

Hellooo. How are you today? I hope you are in the pink of health!

Oh yeah, I've been meaning to say. It's October, and if you have not heard, October is also associated with the colour pink, hence, Pink October, a month of breast cancer awareness. Of course, we shouldn't limit this awareness to only this month :) Yesterday, my department has some sort of a KFC makan-makan session at the office and alhamdulillah, most of us (even the guys) came in pink as requested by yours truly *peace sign*

But that's not really the point of this entry (selalu tauu, iklan-iklan gitu)

This is entry #3 for what I want for my future :)

I went to Sy Yahya Ibrahim's talk on what does it take to be the happiest women recently, and he gave 20 points on how to. One of the points is to learn from your parents's life, the good and also the not so good.

One of the best things I learn from them is to take some time off for each other. Nearly every morning, my dad and my mum would go out to have breakfast together, just the two of them. They know each other's favourites or second favourite (in case the shop doesn't have the first one). I remember my aunt asking me one morning, " Mana mak? Dating la tu."  Ahaa.

So it's either eating out, having some date night (i.e movies etc) or just having home-made breakfast or dinner at home, just the two of us. I secretly love cooking breakfast. I think I would love it even more to be cooking breakfast for him >.<  Pandai-pandai je kan, cuba nanti dah kawin. Ada lagi kerr? Insha allah. Hohohooo..

I love mornings. I guess it's the breath of fresh air, the new hope.

Today's breakfast - scrambled eggs, diced tomatoes and frankfurters in mixed herbs. Love English breakfast as my stomach can't take heavy meals in the morning

I think having a time-off from the household every once in a while is good for you and your spouse, away from other things that can hinder you from getting to know each other, even after some 30 years of marriage. We never stop learning, betul tak? There is bound to be something new that you learn about your spouse, every single day.

These days, divorce is so common in the society that it's starting to be the trend already. I do not want that in my future. I admit that that is one of the reasons I'm scared to be committed to a marriage. Thing is, I can't shake this perception in my head that no matter how good a man is, somehow or rather, they are bound to have a change of heart, somewhere along the lifeline of a marriage. I don't want to go through the trauma of having to think that I'm second best. I mean, isn't that what your spouse is for? To protect and make you feel like you're the best thing that has ever happened to him/her? Otherwise, imagine the insecurity and the inferiority the spouse has to go through. Imagine feeling like that everyday, it's like a child who gets deprived of affection from his parents, so he resorts to rebelling. 

Oh, the horror. 

I hope what I want will be materialized in the future. I know it's not enough just hoping and praying, both of us need to make it work and of course, tawakkal. 

Taking the words of a fellow Muslim brother, Mazhir Jamil Ya-Si : 

'Change of heart often occurs when one goes through hardship. A person may want to change their ways for their own betterment. After all they feel that life has treated them bad whenever they found happiness. They feel that whenever they found happiness it gets taken away from them. But not everything you believe is happiness. A Haram relationship - by no means is this acceptable as a muslim? You haven't found happiness, you have just fallen into the trap and following the evil whispers occupying your mind. So whenever this relationship breaks, know that it was for the best and happiness lies outside of haram. Reflect the past. Mistakes will be always made but remember, the experience that you gain from them should enable you to stop. Unless you have a weak heart.'

....."Therefore, when I am your other half, I only want to be completed, not to be compared. I am indeed a woman by nature, and as your wife, all I need is just my husband.

The goal is Jannah, hence please be with me in anything that is pleasure to Allah. May Allah bless us forever, ameen."

Someday you'll find the right person, and you'll learn to have a lot more confidence in yourself. That's what I think - Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional

As you grow older, you'll realize that life is NOT about you. 

:)

insignificant

This is one of those nights where I just wanna rant. 

Sometimes I feel it's just easier to stay insignificant. That way, the pain is all yours to take and you don't have to take the feeling of others into account. Sometimes I just want to be all by myself. Just me and my journey. That's all. 

Becoming too attached to people sometimes makes you vulnerable. Vulnerable to all kinds of feelings which padaku sometimes is just wasting my time and effort. Tired, you know. Always being the one who initiates, who pushes, who gets it done. Get what I mean? 

So, if I were to choose to be insignificant, I don't have to jaga hati and all those nonsense. That is the part yang a bit complicated in whatever relationship you're in, kan? So, better be totally irrelevant kan? You don't kacau others, and others (hopefully) don't kacau you.  

I tried to be just that a few weeks back but I failed. Because I can't. 

I cannot be that person who keeps to herself and still be happy. 

I can't.

But if you want me to be that irrelevant to you and your life, so be it. 

birds of a feather

I just realised a thing or two about friendship. 

That is, to maintain a good friendship, you need to see the best in each other, accept each others's weaknesses, and most importantly, support each other's passion, even if it's not really your kind of thing. 

I think I've been mentioning a lot about my girlfriends, in general, in some of my posts. They are incredible, I don't have the exact words to describe each and every one of them. My girlfriends come from various backgrounds, and some of them don't even have the same interests as I do, but we just clicked! One kinda funny statement I received from one girlfriend about another is "You both are so different from each other, I don't know how you guys can get along so well!"  LOL. 

I know what that 'different' meant. You see, in comparison to this particular girlfriend, let's call her 'A', I'm the quieter one, more lets-just-sit down-and-see-what-happens-next kinda girl. On the other hand, A is more vocal in expressing dissatisfaction or anger, and erm, a bit sarcastic sometimes, haha. I don't perceive that as a bad thing at all. I have my own vocal and sarcastic moments too, actually. It's just that they have mellowed down a bit these days. But yes, we have very different attitudes. But one thing that makes us the best of friends is that we respect each other in terms of who we are and what we love (and don't love). 

I guess she knows that I'm a sensitive girl and I don't like people telling me off harshly. I will definitely rebel. So if I make mistakes, or if she wants to advise me on something, she would use words that are pleasant and not make me feel bad about it. Do you see that? I mean, she's a vocal person, but she tones down just so I can see where I have been making mistakes. And although I don't really fancy visiting (as in during festive seasons), I'd accompany her to visit her friends, vice versa. And she, accompanies me for weddings.  I mean, there's food, come on :)  

Now, that's just one girlfriend. The rest of them are equally amazing in their own ways :)

I think those are really the keys to a good friendship. I pray for my girlfriends to be granted with righteous spouses who will guide them to Jannah and lovely babies who will grow up with good faith. I love my girlfriends so very much. They are my gem ;)  

                                                                                                                                              

       

nephews's engagement

Almost half my life, I have been away from my family due to studies and work. The downfall of that is I didn't get to watch my siblings grow up and my parents grow older. And it doesn't really help that I only go back to see them twice a year. So when I do go back, I make sure I spend time with them, although sometimes they don't really see it from that point of view. Sobs (blame the drama on the hormones, yes). So it's a little sad to see that when I go back, my parents have shrunk in sizes (do old people shrink that fast?) and my siblings getting way taller than me. Pfftt.

Anyway, who I got to see grew up were my nephews and nieces who are staying here in KL. I baby-sitted them since they were little, see them go through primary and secondary schools, college, work and now this.

Their engagement.

2 of my nephews have just gotten engaged last month. When I got to know the news, I was like 'What?? But they just grew up!' Hehe. Obviously they grew up well. Seriously, man. Their mom taught them well.  Not being biased, I swear. 

My aunts and niece

Eldest nephew's fiance, Lyana.

Engagement was held in Bangi. 

Nieces and nieces-in-laws

My niece at an open house after the engagement. The food there was superb (of course I'd remember such important detail!)

Third nephew's fiance, Qa Tyq.

Engagement held in Mersing, Johor

Qa Tyq surrounded by the closest girls in her life - sister, future sis-in-law and her bestfriend

My aunt made up the decoration for both my nephews's hantaran

                           

 

                                                 

We stopped by the beach in Mersing for some fresh air after the engagement. This is the stop people use to get to Tioman Island. Oh well, next time jer la pergi Tioman. Was rushing to get back to KL that same day.  

Alhamdulillah everything went well. Their weddings will be held next year, insha allah. Not sure how the mom was feeling because she was super busy, but I know she was super proud :')

yes, to adventures (and men)

Recently I had a chat with one of my girlfriends. I asked her, what difference does she see in me in all these months. She said, "You talk more about religious stuff now, you've become quieter and more laid-back. You're no longer this exciting Amy who straightaway says yes to adventures, you know. It's like you're this wall that is hard to break through."

-.-"

Okay, I know that last part is concluded from me being indecisive on proceeding with my Bali trip. And she was adamant for me to go. She wanted me to go so much because she said I deserve the trip after all that has happened. I know I deserve it too, but honestly at this stage, I didn't feel like I needed that trip anymore. And I was actually OK to go or otherwise. I didn't mind not going, but I just had to assess the pros and cons. 

My point here is not the trip, nor it is about me being indecisive. 

My point is that I'm no longer this exciting person who says yes to adventures. It hit me hard. I guess there's a little bit of truth to that. Thing is, for so many months, all I wanted and prayed for is to have strength to go through the trials and ultimately, to have a peaceful mind and heart. And alhamdulillah (praise to Allah), that has been granted, albeit not an easy journey. I've reconnected with friends and families that I didn't always get to hang out with and to me that's actually a learning experience because otherwise, I wouldn't have known what I wanted in my future family, hadn't I spend that much time with them. Everything, all these months, has been a learning experience. Every single thing. An eye-opener this heartbreak has been.

Man, I can go on and on about the things I learnt, but of course, those are not the point of this entry, so I shall save them for future posts. 

Going for crazy adventures, like how I was used to, is probably the last thing on my mind, right now. However, it still struck me hard that I'm receiving this perception from my own girl. I don't want to lose that part of me, of course. I'm a go getter (working hard on that at work though, haha) and I love adventures, especially impromptu ones. That line has reminded me that in order to attain my goals, I shall not lose myself in the process. No no, not me. How could I forget that? Hmmm. 

I assess myself a bit after that, and I have came to a conclusion that yes, I have, too, been building walls around myself, especially with people who I'm not close with (i.e colleagues) and men. I have trust issues, definitely. I'm scared. I'm scared that the more compassion I show, the easier it is to get hurt. Oh my, my first confession on my fear. That is probably the reason I've been holding off meeting new people, and friend-zoning advances. Yes, apparently friend-zone is a valid English word. 

Starting over, that's scary. 

Especially when you don't really know what to do. I'm just thankful I started off  with finding and rekindling with my faith. The next steps, I guess I'll just let things flow. Adventures and men, you're still a little scary but you're something that I need to open up to again slowly. Haih.

A woman's heart should be so lost in God, that a man must seek Him in order to find her

Maya Angelou

our little jasmine

Raja Sarah Jasmine. 6 months old. 

My girlfriend's first bundle of joy. 

Well, OUR bundle of joy, 'cos we're her super cool aunts. 

And by 'we', I mean this lady here, and myself. 

Jasmine's such a happy baby! No fuss, well, except when she wants to have her sleep la, easy to handle and goes along so well with everybody! 

My first letter to baby Jasmine when we first visited her early June.

By the way, she had her first reconstructive surgery last month to fix her cleft lips and palate and it went very well. She definitely has her mother's spirit, I tell you.  

Yeah baby, you're gonna grow up awesome.

Aunty pray only for the best for you, little Jasmine. Missing you loads now :')  

Random fact : The name Jasmine is one of the name that I am keeping for my future daughter ;) Just a different kinda spelling. Will not reveal yet, at least not until she's along the way. Hahaha