Allah is "crafting" you

I was in the shower last night when out of the blue, I broke down and cried. Thing is, this whole week I’ve been having some sort of anxiety attack. There’s too much going on in my mind – let’s just leave this part out. So in the shower itself, I made a duaa. Well, an absurd place to make a duaa but I did anyway. I prayed for a guidance and explanation.

Then, I resumed doing my assigned task – the thesis. At one of point of time, I couldn’t get any more ideas to flow from my brain so I turned to Twitter for some distraction. Ha, some place to gather ideas kan? There, someone was asking Aida Azlin if she has any podcast for her talks in addition to her Youtube videos, and so she gave 2 links. I clicked both links but was more inclined towards the 2^nd link because of the first topic that I saw on the page. 

The topic was ‘Surah Taha: Allah is “Crafting” You. As we know, surah Taha is one of the most beautiful surah in the Quran because one of Prophet Muhammad’s (pbuh) companion, Umar ibn al-Khatab (ra) embraced Islam just by listening to the recitation of Surah Taha recited by his sister. And he was just on his way to kill the Prophet when he heard this recitation, masyaallah. How amazing that a cold heart can turn soft just by listening to the verses of the Quran, and how even more amazing that all of this can only happen by His mercy. Looking at this small fraction of the story, one can easily conclude that when Allah plans something for us, we are actually set to be on a specific role in our life, with a specific and intended purpose. Look at where Umar ranks in Islam and how enormous his role is in spreading this beautiful religion. Of course this was not achieved easily if it weren’t for the challenges that Allah has intended for him since Day 1.

Back to the podcast (haha!), Aida and Mariama started with the story of Prophet Musa a.s walking in the dessert with his family when he saw a fire ahead of them. He then told his family to stay put and that he would investigate what the fire was all about. When he came, Allah spoke to him and the first thing Allah asked Prophet Musa to do is to remove his sandals. Here we see how important adab is while seeking knowledge – or while doing anything else, for that matter. In this podcast, Aida and Mariama have compared 2 similar verses, verse 13 and verse 41, which have same English translation but not exactly the same meaning. Confusing right? But just stay with me.

Verse 13 is translated in English as “And I have chosen you, so listen to what is revealed (to you).” while verse 41 is translated as “And I have selected you for Myself.”. Both carry somewhat the same translation, however for verse 41, Allah has specifically used the word “Tana” which actually translate to “craft” in Arabic. In essense, verse 41 is properly translated to “And I have crafted you for Myself.”

How cool that Allah uses the word ‘craft’ to show Prophet Musa that all the challenges he has gone through, was beautifully molded, so that he can be shaped to be capable to endure such trials? Cool as heck, if you ask me.

Let me quote the beautiful reflection from the ladies now.

“It is telling a Prophet that he has been selected for a task. Allah is telling Musa, his whole life, the series of events he has gone through and all of the different events that led you to this cave with Me right now is all because I was crafting you for this job. The events in our life are not random. They all worked together in some type of way that they are leading us towards our greater purpose and greater goal. Sometimes life makes no sense. You really don’t understand that things are not going according to plan. You need those challenges to grow into someone better. Allah is crafting you and Allah is crafting every single circumstance and situation that He is giving you. Syaitan’s whisper is the loudest when you’re almost reaching that goal.”

Super, super cool. If we think about it, at this point of our lives, we should already be overcoming some hurdles in our lives. If we don’t know any better, those hurdles have subconsciously made us, or crafted us to be better, bolder and more resilient than ever. Otherwise, we won’t be where we are right now. And that is exactly the answer I needed from my duaa in the shower, Alhamdulillah.

The links for the podcast is as below :-

ramadanreminders.tumblr.com

theshawllabel.com/womanup  (where I listened to the reflection on surah Taha)

Til, then, have a good and fulfilled Ramadhan for all Muslims around the world J

By the way, I also write on a new platform now (just 1 post so far haha). Just trying to learn something new (craft myself hehe) and perhaps make myself a better person in the long run in terms of growth. At the moment, it is accessible at https://amyalmohtar.wixsite.com/bestellar if you want to add me to your bloglist. My stories are random but I am trying to write as much as possible like how I used to do over the years. Pray for me, love!

skeletons

The other night, Mister threw a question at me which caught me by surprise and it took me some time to finally understand what was it that I feared for in a relationship.

"It would be different kan if I was a local? You would've said yes straightaway and we would be making arrangements already."

I pondered on that and I realized that, that was not actually the case. It did not matter where he came from, I am sure of that.

"No, where you come from does not matter. It's just that coming to this day is a big thing which I never thought will come. I never thought I would finally be able to be here, you know. Deciding big things like this. Because... "

I stopped midway and choked. At that instance, I knew I was about to let the skeleton out of its closet.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry sayang," 

He said quickly, stepping in as my voice trailed off. Sounds drama a bit kan. I just wanted to remember this moment.

"Because, I was always the second option. The second best. You faham tak?" 

There I said it. Some scars just never heal. They stay in the closet with you until reality hits you one day and everything then makes sense.

The next thing came in a blur because obviously I was tearing up and he was trying his best to comfort me. I vividly remember feeling like I was in one of my religious classes, catching words and phrases like 'what's past is past', 'life is a series of tests', 'you passed the tests before',  'the only thing that matters is how it will be in the future' .. blabla.. Honestly I couldn't remember the rest but I know that it felt like I was listening to my ustaz giving us tazkirah. Actually I never saw this side of him being in his 'ustaz' mode and frankly speaking, I needed that reminder. But the best thing I feel is that there were no words of promises, just reminders to rely only on Allah. 

My weakness in all of my previous relationships is that I depend too much on people and their promises. And as a result, when I get heart-broken, it took some time for me to move on because I was always asking myself what is wrong with me. Truth is, we are all each created perfectly in our best form. There is nothing wrong with us, just some silly expectations that we created in order to have a so-called perfect relationship, when in fact we could channel our worries and hopes to the only one that could make it happen according to our best interest. 

Him.   

ode to a bestie

I reached Tanah Perkuburan Islam Bukit Teratai, Ampang at around 6pm. 

Probably the longest drive ever, I feel. The only time I've complaint a lot during a drive. Why did they have to build bumps every 5 meters? Why don't they have alternative routes at this part of the town? Why don't they build a gas station on this side of the road so that I didn't have to make a U-turn just to fill up gas? Why don't all Petronas have CIMB ATMs? Why didn't I top-up my Touch'N'Go card earlier? Why why whyyyy?

When I finally drove into the cemetery's parking lot, there were a few cars parked inside. But the saddest thing is seeing our cars, the 4 of us parked side by side. Imran's car, Ummie's car, Hash's car. Thing is, it wasn't Hash who drove his car today. Because he was already buried 6 feet under just after Asar prayers that evening. I parked my car next to Hash's and made my way to the burial site.

I saw Ummie first. She was leaving the cemetery because she needed to get back to the office. We hugged and sobbed uncontrollably. I didn't have any words to say. "Ok beb, aku nak kene gerak dah ni.", she said. I walked weakly towards Imran who's still standing beside Hash's burial ground. He has been crying, too. There were not many people left and it was getting dark.

He told me that they did the jenazah prayers in Masjid Taman Kosas and buried the body straightaway. Everything happened so fast. But I was glad that Hash's journey into the next life was smooth and quick. And he passed away in this blessed Ramadhan month. Imran shared the time when he and Hash were discussing about my plans to leave KL for good this year and that he was so sad about it because he couldn't see much of me anymore. But he was the one who went away first :( We shared the travel plans that Hash had for us this year, an Australia adventure and a New Zealand road trip. At the back of my mind, I was imagining what will happen to our occasional gathering with no Hash around. Will we still be together? It won't be the same. 

We left the cemetery close to 7pm. 

There were lots of messages on my Whatsapp and Facebook about Hash's demise. But the one that I will remember most, from today, is from another friend of ours, N. She is part of our gang but she started to get busy starting end of last year so we didn't see much of her lately. 

"I'm sorry I wasn't seeing much of you guys lately. I've to attend some personal stuff. There's just to many to update you guys on. Work, life, loves.. And as you can see, I've chopped off my Rapunzel hair.. I wanted to get myself ready to wear tudung.. If you can do it, I can do it too, babe."  Right in the feels, man.

And then she said, "Look, why don't we berbuka together somewhere and then terawih." She struck my chord.

"Let's find someplace to berbuka" she continued.

"Or, we can berbuka in the masjid and then terawih after that," I said.

"Sounds like a good idea! Any masjid you nak pergi?"

After listing some beautiful masjids, N said, "Let's go visit Hash during Raya, recite some yassin"

I smiled. That is exactly what I have in mind for us this Raya.

She continued, "Babe, I have to stop 'berhuha' already. Dah terlebih tahun ni. I want to become a better Muslimah.I might need some help from you. "

Some time ago, I said the same thing. So I said, "Don't worry. When you decide to become better, Allah will send good people to guide you."

Alhamdulillah.

And, you know what came out from Hash's passing? I made 2 new friends who are friends of Hash's. I've never met nor talked to them before and we kept on updating each other on Hash's conditions prior to his passings. And we shared words of encouragement. 

Hash, you're no longer around but you still bring benefit to those around you. May Allah keep you safe, and may He put you in the best of Heavens. You're gone too soon. It was so fast. The last time we talked was by your hospital bed. You kept saying sakit.. sakit. I wish I had more time with you. I wish I had entertained your sometimes ridiculous requests on where to eat, 'cos you love eating and hanging out. Your dream wife and dream life, you shared with me. I wish we had more time.

Goodbye, buddy.

be with those beyond our years

A dear sister, Kak M, went to Yemen Ramadhan last year and spent the entire Ramadhan and a few days of Eid there. She went to Tareem, specifically. 

Tareem is a town in Hadhramaut, Yemen, whose important focus is in Islamic learning and has been a place where many Islamic scholars are produced. When she  got back from Yemen and shared her experience there, we were all listening in awe and amazement. According to her, the people of Tareem are one of the nicest, kindest, the most humble people on earth, possibly the only people alive now resembling those who have lived the life of the people during the prophethood of Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. They are living the sunnah everyday in their daily lives, activities, in their speech. One of the things I remember from what she shared was that the women in Tareem are treated like a queen, that you don't have to go out to buy groceries and stuff. Your groceries will go to your door and you just have to pick what you want. I would want that (I think, to a certain level). When Kak M got back to Malaysia, she shared a beautiful poem about Tareem. which I will share here maybe in my next post, because Tareem is not what I'm gonna talk about in this post but see how far I have gone on the introduction(!). Lol. 

Anyway, Kak M also shared, that in Tareem, when you go to visit other people's house especially those older than you, you are expected to share some stories with them. Not a gossip session, mind you :) Something like a sharing session about the Quran, or about any knowledge that you have, and then, they will share their knowledge too and there will be some serious discussion on the topic, while giving or getting a massage or something like that. That is what I want to write about. The sharing session. That was what Kak M pointed out to us in usrah that day, that to gain knowledge, be around the circles of those who are way beyond your age, so that you can find benefit in what they talk about. 

Thing is, I'm never one who chats a lot, especially with the elderly because to me, they always seem to portray that they are always right. They're not, really! So when I got the chance to sit and chat with them for the past few weeks (and today, too), it has given me a rather different perspective about life.

 Brother X is my mentor for one of my volunteering activities. He frequents the masjid for congregational prayers, sits in classes for Arabic, hadith, basically Islamic knowledge despite his old age, takes responsibility of his duties seriously. When he has free time in his hands, he will start discussing about the deen or about his travel experience with all of us in the room. A few weeks ago, he shared some of his experience during his Jahiliyah days much to my surprise, because he is quite a private person. There are a few key take-aways that I've noted for my reference from that session, but the one with the biggest impact on myself has got to be seeing Allah's great mercy for him to get from a low place of jahil to where he is now. A better person who contributes so much to the society. He also related about this one incident while doing his umrah (when he was still in his Jahiliyah days), there were a lot of issues  that he has encountered, from his visa, to his delayed flights, to his (miscommunicated) hotel bookings. But the best thing was that when he finally got his hotel room issue sorted out after a long, tiring day, and then walked into the room, the view from his room was of the beautiful clock tower and the magnificent Kaabah! No matter how much we've done wrong in our life, Allah pasti akan bagi some rahmah to us. Nampak atau tak je, sebenarnya. Not that we go to Mekah to just see these man-made beauty of course.. we've got bigger plans! Hehe

Aunty B, was married to an Italian and was living abroad for quite sometime. She got a divorce (alhamdulillah, she said) after some 20 something years and got back to Malaysia because she wanted to become a practicing Muslim. It was very hard, she said, to live a Muslim life abroad when those close to you are not practicing the deen. When she got back, she bought a house nearby a masjid on purpose, so that she can't find any excuse not to pray in the masjid. She is a very humble lady, kind and has a very positive outlook on life. She now takes in a Syrian kid in her home while he studies in KL. 

These people just amaze me. And now I am still finding ways on how I can make an impact to others like how they did. I'm still learning, too. And being patient, really is a great virtue. While driving home today, I was thinking, how much of my life is spent towards the worldly life and how much of it do I spend towards the akhirah? And I must say, I'm ashamed of myself :(  Yesterday, I attended a talk on the life and geniuses of the 2 companions, Umar al-Khatab and Abu Bakar as-Siddiq and I learn that everyday, we are only using 40% of our capacity. I thought to myself, at 40% capacity of my daily life, I feel that I have exceeded doing what I need to do for the day because I was draining out of energy so much.

And that's just using 40%. Imagine if I were to really use 100% of my capacity. I can do so much more at work. But how do I do that without draining energy so much? Time management, the speaker said. Which I am sooo bad at. 

Let's put that in my 2016 resolution. I want to be a better me. I want to love myself more and marvel at the world more. I want to step it up on making that impact and make more plans into actions. God willing! 

before i call it a night

A few days ago, sister Arina shared this status on her Facebook.

"Whatever happens, Allah first. He then will send His help through the people around us, things, ideas, inspiration, knowledge, situation etc.

And no such thing as "coincidence".

Trust and have faith in Him

"And your Lord says, "Call upon Me; I will respond to you" (Ghafir 40:60)

Masyallah, those words stuck with me until today because no 1, alhamdulillah I've experienced them myself, and no 2, I agree totally that there is no such thing as coincidence. They're all parts of His divine wisdom. Whatever that happens in your life, there is a wisdom behind it, which may come later in life :) Insyallah.

Anyways, I have been praying for this one thing in my life which to me, seemed a bit far-fetched to be made real. At least not this soon. A few days ago, I made a more specific doa just to be granted this one thing. And alhamdulillah, today morning, I got a call, and it seems to be a start to getting my doa fulfilled. Alhamdulillah... I can't thank Him enough :')

And.. an hour ago, a good girlfriend of mine, messaged me out of the blue asking me if I could refer any religious class to her.. because she wants to start her hijrah :') Nangessss. It always gives me goosebumps (good goosebumps, btw) whenever anyone I know, decide to live a better, more meaningful life :) She says, she intends to don a hijab too, one day :) Ameen to all of her doa, and I believe Allah will ease her journey insyaAllah. 

Sometimes I think I take things for granted too much. He grants His servants's doa in a blink of an eye.. but I still solat kat hujung-hujung waktu.. :( I'll make effort to be better, insyallah..  

Hey, is that rain I hear? After many weeks of haze, it finally rains, alhamdulillah. Hopefully it will clear the haze. Good night all, and always have faith :)

  

the money that was not for me

Last month I was broke, with the house-moving and all. A week before payday, all I had left in my bank account was less than RM100, and you and I know very well, it won't last until the next week. At that time, I was really, really hoping for miracles to happen. 

I remembered listening to Ikim.FM one day, where one muallaf was talking about the days he first became Muslim. Because of his decision, his family, friends and fiancee left him, leaving him with no money at all. So he prayed to Allah for some amount of money. The next day, some guy honked his car infront of the muallaf's house, asking if he was Mr-So-and-So. So, he said yes. And then the guy said, "I don't know why but I had a feeling that I have to give this envelope to you." And he left.

So the muallaf opened up the envelope and guess what, inside it is a sum of money with the exact amount that he had asked from Allah. Subhanallah, how great is that! Kalau Allah nak bagi petunjuk kat orang tu, Dia akan bagi je, kan?

So, based on that incident, I, too, prayed to Allah that night, for some sum of money, at least to last me a week. The next day, I withdrew what I thought was the last RM100 I had. And I requested for the printed receipt. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the balance that I had in my account. It was exactly the amount that I prayed for, from Allah last night! I felt chills down my spine, and had goosebumps all over my arm. I went into my car and had quite a hard time understanding what my friend was talking about at that time. I was distracted.

I relayed the whole incident to my brothers in our Whatsapp group, including the story of the muallaf. 

And now, I have extra money to spend until my payday. 

But then, Allah has better plans for the rezeki that He has put down at the eleventh hour for me. A few days after that, I was told by my brother that my grandma had just passed away, as per my previous blog entries. You see, that money that I prayed for, He gave them to me so that I could buy a flight ticket back to my kampung. So that I could see nenek for the last time. Nothing is ever a coincidence.

That money, was actually for nenek :'(

Subhanallah 

change ourselves

Squeezing this in before my lazy mood takes over, again. 

So, I had brunch over the weekend with my girlfriends whom I see something like once a year, at The Red Bean Bag, Publika. We had gossip session over our egg benedicts, baked eggs, something called 'Sumo' which is a pan-fried salmon steak (yummy!) and a dessert called 'Skycrapers', basically a stack of fluffy pancakes topped with chocolate sauce and maple syrup, served with caramelized slices of bananas, blueberries and strawberries. Didn't take any photo as I didn't feel like it. I don't really take photos these days, I don't know why. Anyways, we moved to taking a stroll along the bazaar in Publika. A bazaar of mostly headscarves, kaftans, blouses, praying attires, quirky fruit juices (read : Apple Medley. Not too bad if you like lemongrass - or was it celery - in your drinks). Then, I stopped at a booth selling beautiful scarves. I stopped because the lady manning the booth was so familiar to me. So while she was explaining about the scarves that she sells, I interrupted her nicely and told her that she looked familiar. 

"You look familiar. I think I know you through some activities by Project Amal." I explained, and her eyes lit up. 

"Oh, was it the gelandangan (homeless) project?" 

"No, it was way back. The one with the kids from the orphanages, where we brought them to go buy books at the Big Bad Wolf book sale?" 

"Oh yeah. Yeah, that one." She smiled weakly and continued while touching the tudung she was wearing, "I haven't started wearing tudung at that time." And then, she took a step back, arranging the scarves on the table.

Man, Right there and then, I felt so bad bringing up the whole thing. I know how it feels when people talk about the time when I wasn't wearing my tudung yet. The J-days (Jahiliyah days, as my naqibah calls it :P). I still go through this and whenever people talk about those days, my heart sank. Just last week, my colleague emailed me a screenshot of my business profile photo that the company has put on our company website 3 years ago. Let's just say, I wasn't proud of the photo. I know how she felt, but I didn't mean to make her feel that way. And I didn't even say sorry :( I didn't know how to. It was so awkward. I felt sad. 

She was very different this time around. She was more humble, as opposed to 2 years ago. My impression of her then, was a snobby rich kid (dear God, please forgive me). Look how she turned out, alhamdulillah. May Allah protect her. He guides whom He wills kan? 

Allah teaches us in wonderful ways, like this one. So, when people judge others unfairly, it makes me sad because I know, those being judged CAN be better than those so-called 'judges', with God's will. Muslims calling non-Muslims as kafir. You know what, through experience yang tak seberapa ni, I can tell you that actually, some non-Muslims are MORE Muslims than the Muslim themselves and some Muslims are MORE kafir than the kafir themselves, if you get what I mean. After all, the ultimate purpose of us being created diversely is for us to get to know each other well, NOT to condemn/put down those who are not of the same skin-colour, beliefs, status etc. 

There's this saying by Marie Curie, 

“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.”

With the crisis that are happening in the world (or in our very own country) right now, I suggest for us to do more reading and research, not just taking things at face value. Understand what is going on, why do things happen that way, instead of listening to the rumors (of those who refuse to understand). 

Please, and thank you.

epitome of happiness

A friend shared this yesterday and how this described a portion of my past so perfectly. 

Love makes us... a lot of things. It can make us better or worse. Love is also so vulnerable that someone can get inside of us and messes us up so bad. 

Such delicate hearts we have. 

This reminded me of something the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w said.

"Surely, the heart of the son of Adam turns over and over more than a pot of boiling water."

We have changes of heart every single minute. One minute we're feeling super determined, the next minute we're feeling down, for He is the Turner of our hearts. 

Prof Muhaya reminds us all the time, "Hati kita berada dalam genggaman Allah." 

Whatever wordly things that we are trying to chase, a big house, a great career, getting that perfect spouse, a grand wedding, all of those will never make us happy eternally if our hearts are not with our Creator. 

Most of us think that happiness lies in finally getting married, for example. It is not. These are all just tools to bring us closer to Him. Subhanallah, how great is He.

There's a hadith that describes our heart so perfectly.

"There is in the body a clump of flesh - if it becomes good, the whole body becomes good, and if it becomes bad, the whole body becomes bad. And indeed, it is the heart. "

I'm thankful for the people that Allah sent on my path to bring me back to the deen, the feel the beauty of His love in everything and every person and to teach me that whatever that He has destined for me is actually molding myself, my heart to be the kind of people He is pleased with, insyaAllah.

keep the faith

Have you ever wanted and prayed for something so so bad? You think you've done everything there is to do just to get that one thing, only to be disappointed in the end. 

When I was in my previous job, work was everything to me. Stayed long hours for months, did projects and migration, managed people, streamlining processes yada2. I loved what I was doing because I have wonderful colleagues , the pay was good and I knew I was doing an amazing job. 5 years at the company, attended 3 interviews for promotions which had 95% chance of me getting promoted based on my capabilities, only to find out that "Your interview was exceptionally good but we had to promote the senior one first."

You know, that kind of disappointment?

This time, I am going through the same, except that this time it's not about work. It is about life. You know, sometimes, we think we have done everything to get what we want. But when we don't get what we pray for straightaway, we start to blame God on it. I don't blame God, though, I am blaming myself and looking for what is it I have done or haven't, so I can finally get what I want. But I was having doubts about His promises. That shouldn't happen, I shouldn't think that. Felt like smacking off those syaitonnirajim for putting those doubts in my heart. 

Last Thursday, during usrah, each of us shared a verse from the Quran and shared their reflection based on our own understanding. Some shared 'popular' verse and surah like surah al-Asr (about how precious and limited time is and how we are often use our time on duniawi things and only spared the 'leftover' time to Allah i.e "Still ada masa lagi ni, baru sempat nak buat solat."), surah ar-Rahman on that 1 verse repeated 31 times in the surah (the verse is, "Which of the favors of your Lord would you deny?", basically a reminder on the many, many rezeki that He has given us but we still choose not to believe, also one of my favourite surah :) ), surah al-Baqarah verse 45 on having patience and pray (coincidentally my granduncle was advising the same to us in the car 2 weeks back, he said, bad or good, ask only from Him, do not seek elsewhere, ask and sujud) and surah ali Imran verse 185 on every living thing will surely taste death.

One of us shared a verse from surah Taha verse 132 ("Kami tidak meminta rezeki daripadamu bahkan Kamilah yang memberi rezeki kepadamu.") Nearly made me cry because when she explained on her reflection, it hit me on the spot. Right on the spot. A few years back, she was a workaholic and had very little time spent with the Creator, doing just the basic like the 5 obligatory prayers, fasting in Ramadhan and totally missing out on terawikh prayers. In the end she realized that the more money she got, the faster she lost them as well, like there is no barakah in her rezeki. And then, she started prioritizing Allah in her daily life. Things start to change since then. Back to my point about having doubts on His promise (and smacking off that evil devil), that reflection sort of put an end to this dilemma that I am having.

:')

Yesterday morning I read this status in Facebook which sort of seconded the answer that I was looking for. Read on please :)

Allah tahu apa dan bila masa yang terbaik.

Be patient, Weina, your time will come, insyaAllah. 

You go girl.

undeserving

Ya Rabb.

You have placed me in a place I don't deserve. Not after what I have done to myself and what haven't I done for You. I'm not worthy of the chances that You have given me again and again. 

Subhanallah, how forgiving You are. I wish I could redeem back the years that I had without having You in my thoughts and actions and I regret them terribly. I am not worthy of those chances. 

al-Jabbar, the Mender. 

You have mended me and paved my path back to how it should have been. You have given me a strong heart like what I've always prayed for since that first day. You have brought some special people to be with me in this journey and we learn so much from each other.

You have given me a stir in this heart everytime I witness Your Greatness in the rotation of night and day, the perfect cycle of life for human and creatures of the earth, the beautiful sunset, in life itself, in watching my little nieces and nephews grow, in embracing the way my parents grow old and are still fond of each other. I have watched how You distribute your sustenance in such ways that we are never left without any food on the table, on any given day. 

You have shown me how wrong I was, the wrong company I was in, and the wrong path that I was about to take. And You saved me. 

You have taken away things from me so that I would think and understand. 

Think and read. Not to waste anymore time living in delusions. 

Today I might have caught a glimpse of my future but I was so scared and hesitant to take it up. Everything is so vulnerable and so temporary that I was scared. 

If it is meant to be for me, it will come. Like how I have been putting my entire trust in You for what is going happen and what is not. 

InsyaAllah.  

Dunya oh dunya. You pulled me in again and made everything seemed sensible. 

You, cunning, you.

measure of a man

The best thing about talking to God (for me that includes a lot of asking, questioning, tantruming if there's such a word, complaining) is when you get the most perfect answer, in the end. 

I didn't have a good Friday last week and after getting off work, I was sooo glad the day was over, and vowed to just sleep over the weekend (which didn't really happen). 

I was scrolling through my Instagram feed that night and came across this, describing my day perfectly, and in a way, sort of memujuk my hati yang gundah gulana at that time. 

Sometimes I think this world is full of ungrateful people. Ungrateful because they never look at what is in their plates and instead look at what they DON'T have, thus having this mentality that no one shall ever be above them, in terms of anything. So they victimize others through their devious ways. Funny thing is, most of them are people of faith! Mannnn. What is this?!? How do they do that? They claim to be people of faith but they back bite? They have faith but spread rumors? They have faith but practice black magic? I seriously don't get this. 

Yes, I always remind myself that whatever ish that's being thrown at me, I have Allah. If I lose because of my stand (in faith and its principles), so be it. This is not my time yet, that this vulnerable self is not meant for the people of this world. It is meant for the next life. So let them be, let them walk all over me, let them have their ways. Let them judge me based on their assumptions. Only Allah knows what is in my heart and what I really do and why I do it. I probably need to do more self-reflect. I don't know.  

I used to hear Professor Muhaya talking about self-reflecting all the time. That what you give out is what you will get. If you give more money, money will come to you. That if you share more love and compassion, you will in return get more. I just realize how true this is. I'm thankful that I'm surrounded by a lot of good friends  in the office who always come by my place to just say hi and have small talks. I really, really appreciate that a lot. I've always believed that good friends is a form of rezeki. Anyways, some people in the office ask me, how did I know so many people and have so many friends? I really don't know. Just be a good friend, I guess, but of course, I didn't tell them that. How do you expect to have a friend when you backbite, degrade and look down on others all the time? How will all of that give others a good vibe? Man, I don't know. I'm not a saint and all of my advices/stories that I share on social medias including those I write in this blog goes first and foremost to myself. As a reminder because I go out of the path all the time and I see faults in others like I didn't have them in myself. I'm trying and I struggle, but of course, people don't see that. It's so true that we can say we are people of faith, that we go and pray in our mosques/churches/temples all the time, that we search for spiritual knowledge from lectures and seminars etc, that we fast to retain our desires etc but what really, really, actually matters is just one thing. 

The condition of your heart. 

Which only God will be able to see. There's this quote I love from one of the 'Inspiration' series by Muhammed Zeyara and Shaykh Omar Suleiman in Youtube. 

"Isn't it amazing that the ultimate measure of a man in the sight of God is the one thing that can't be seen by anyone else?"

to be a better person

If there is anything I did in my entire life that I regret deeply, the biggest thing would be living my adult life in ignorance and spending time entertaining and being entertained by worldly amazement. Living in sins. 

Astaghfirullah. 

:'(((((

The chase for one thing after another; good grades, good income, good material possession, good boyfriend, good husband. 

Illusion that is crafted to deviate us servants from preparing ourselves from the only goal we need to chase and prepare for; the Judgement Day. 

My life was never about how to survive this illusion. Never.

Every time I think back about how I was before,  I feel so ashamed and so wasted. Sometimes I hate myself for that. The years that I could have done something good for others, the years that I could have build something for myself (and for my future family, insyaAllah). 

The years that I won't get back :'(

I just hope He forgives all of my sins. I have a lot of them. A lot :((

Please forgive me if I've offended any of you through my posts. I am still learning and trying to be a better version of myself, everyday.

I love Islam because of that. 

Because it makes me want to be a better person, every time. There's a verse in the Quran from surah al-Fajr that hit me recently. 

"O reassured soul, return to your Lord, well-pleased and pleasing to Him" 89:27-28

"Kembalilah kepada Rabb (Tuhan) kamu dalam keadaan redha dan diredhai."

That is the bottom line. Everything that we do, our lifestyle, acts of worship, charity, how we treat others, how we react towards what others has done to us, how we react towards what God has destined for us, it has everything to do with our heart. 

Keep checking our heart and try to be better everyday. 

I hope we will meet in Jannah. 

Ameen. 

what i want #4

God knows how much just discussing about spiritual knowledge gets me all excited inside. It is amazing reflecting on His beauty, the beauty of His creations, how perfect He places everything, at the right time, the right place. It is amazing learning the seerah of the Prophets, the companions. How much love they have in their hearts for Allah, how much respect they have for Prophet Muhammad, their strength, their perseverance, their faith. Amazing learning the wisdom behind every ritual, obligatory and the non-obligatory. Amazing learning how much opportunity Allah is giving us to redeem just to book a spot, or better still, build a castle in Jannah. How beautiful Jannah is, how horrible Jahannam is, what happens when the Dajjal comes, how does Nabi Yusuf really look like (some say Prophet Muhammad is way better-looking than he is, but let's just do more sincere good deeds so that we can compare them in Jannah, okay?)

Masyaallah, so amazing. You know. 

My bestfriend and I, we love talking about these too, praises to Allah for sending beautiful people to be my own angels on earth. Sometimes we'd just say out loud, "How I wish we have husbands who love to go to ilm talks/lectures as much as we do, kan?" (Angels, I hope you jotted down the hints and pass the message on to you-know-who :] )

So yes, this is what I want, no 4 

(the last one was in October last year, just to keep track :P )

Let's start to imagine. 

Imagine having a husband who gives you a bedtime story of the seerah of the Prophet, just before you go to bed. Or listen to him recite the verses of the Quran, and reflecting on their meanings. Listening with your little ones, being amazed at the same time. Imagine having a mini halaqah in your home, discussing different topics which makes you think and ponder. Imagine, for every single act that you do in your home, for example, tending to your cats, folding your clothes, taking out the trash, your husband will be relating those acts in accordance to how Prophet Muhammad does them. My, my, just imagine. 

Now you know why we want husbands who goes to ilm talks or better still, those who goes to pray congregational prayers in the mosques to also listen to the khutbah, right?   

Personally, I think this is what that is lacking in our society nowadays. We just go on with our lives without reflecting on how exactly should we do it, the sunnah, following the footsteps of the Prophet. To have a leader in the household who incorporates these in the daily routine is a HUGE blessing. He will either get you to hellfire or to paradise.  

I can only pray and prepare myself to be the best wife for whoever he is that He has destined for me. Trying my best! He is, no doubt, the best of planners and He knows what is best for us. And He is just, al-Adl. At the end of the day, we only get what we are worthy of. 

“Verily, We (Allah) have created all things in due measures.” 

Al-Qamar 54:49

ilmfest 2014 - see you there

Up until a year ago, I had absolutely no interest in going for any kind of religious talks, classes, let alone conferences. Those are just for, you know, old people, or those from sekolah agama, whatnots. It's not that I don't like them, it's just that they are like something you do as an extra activity outside of your daily life. There are millions more other things that I could do aside from attending those kind of events. Besides, there was no one inviting me or exposing me to them. 

I went to my first majlis ilmu or ilm talk in June last year, for Being Me (Muslimah Empowered) 2013 in PICC, Putrajaya. I blogged about it here. It was upon a suggestion by one of my bestfriends, Azlene, may Allah bless her, who had also volunteered for the event as one of the facilitators. I don't know what moved me to go, but thank God I did. It was a sisters-only conference, and I guess that made me feel a little bit confident of going. I remember sitting in the main hall and lecture halls alone because my friend was on duty, and I remember jotting down so many notes, some I couldn't even finish because it was like every single thing that the speakers were talking about was so precious. I stayed on until the very last program and left the event feeling somewhat refreshed and wanting for more. 

From then onwards, I tried grabbing every opportunity attending ilm talks that I could, even those held on weekdays, after office hours. The hikmah of switching teams from a UK team working from 3 pm to 12 am to a normal 9 am to 6 pm office hours team, which I didn't see coming, masyaallah. I wanted so much to learn more. Funny thing is, the more I learn, the more I realize that I have been missing out quite a lot :') 

They say, when you have good intentions, Allah will ease your paths for you. I find this very true because all of the times that I wanted to go for these talks, He has made the journeys so easy and pleasant for me, alhamdulillah. You know how the traffic is like after 6 pm especially in Petaling Jaya. I'd leave office at 6+ and the talks sometimes start at 7.30 on the other side of the town, and of course, I'd foresee getting stuck in traffic and missing the talks. But amazingly, He made it easy and there was no traffic congestion on the days that I had ilm talks to attend. How great is He! One time, the ticket to one of the conferences was sold out, but I managed to get one on the day itself, from one of the sisters whose friend wasn't able to attend. Subhanallah, He is so loving, I tell you. Sometimes I think that I do not deserve all that He has given me, but He keeps on giving me chances after chances. I wish I can see Him in the Hereafter, which is the greatest blessings for anyone who enters the best of heaven. 

I don't have a lot of followers on my blog (and I want to keep it that way, for now) but I'd like to invite you to attend one multi-scholar ilm conference this coming Saturday and Sunday, 17th - 18th May in PICC, Putrajaya. It's called 'Ilmfest 2014' and this will be its debut conference in Malaysia organised by alMaghrib Institute and iMuslim Academy, with a few other sponsors. This year's theme is about our Prophet Muhammad's journey, as a mercy to mankind. Now I'm sure you've heard of the Prophet, but do you know how he lived his life? His companions? His wives? His years of happiness and sadness? Why was he chosen as the last Prophet? The tickets are currently priced at RM250 each and RM300 for walk-ins. However, if you're a non-Muslim or a newly-reverted Muslim of less than 6 months, the tickets are FREE for you, thanks to our kind sponsors. 

If I were asked a year ago to share my opinion on the Prophet, I'd just say that he is just another leader in the Islamic history. Just another leader, pffft. That was how shallow I was. To love a person, you gotta know him. This is your chance. Please come to this conference and enlighten yourselves on why he is the mercy the mankind. Kind of big, isn't it? To the entire mankind. 

Do come. Please come. 

For more information, feel free to access www.ilmfest.my

See you there :)

still the same me :)

If I could, I would jot down the journey I've taken since May last year, the people I meet, the things I read and found delight in, the lessons, the magical moment, the feeling, the serenity, the stir. Gosh, everything feels so magical and I wish they would stay with me, forever. I love writing these stuffs, but sometimes I can't really translate them into words, so at last, the ideas ended up just in my head, or in most cases, saved as drafts, until I don't know when :P So anything that I write, actually is from my personal experience and opinion, and doesn't necessary represent a label, a group etc. 

So, today, one of my girlfriends, again, imposed a few questions regarding my change.

"Why have you suddenly become so 'kuai', macam orang baik-baik, ni?"

"Are you liking what you are now?" Okay, whatever that means :P

"Are you happy?"

Yes, I am happy :) It doesn't show eh? haha.. 

She continued. 

"So you've changed because of that one incident. Those are not mistakes, those are lessons. I mean, if that fulfills you and you think that is what you are searching for, then it's okay."

I thought for a while and replied.

"Actually, I wasn't searching for it (faith). I just found it (without searching)."

Well, I hope that made sense. 

Yeah, I just found it without really searching for it. I was actually just looking for the answers to these 2 questions. Number 1, why did that happen to me when I have done absolutely nothing wrong. Number 2, what does getting married for the sake of Allah really mean? Which then led to the question of, if 2 people want to get married, it is between them both, where is Allah in this equation?

Boy, that question sounded pretty stupid now.

I'll probably write about those 2 questions in another entry because now I just want to highlight this conversation with my girlfriend that I had today in the office's pantry.

"You're just less adventurous nowadays. Look at Miss X. Girl, you used to be 'more fun'."

"I have changed, I know. In our life, at some point, we will come to that. We would just think that, yes, this is what I am searching for. But I have not abandoned you or our friendship, have I? I still go out with you guys. I'm still the same person. Still the same Amy. It's just that, like you said, nowadays, I go to these talks, classes but that doesn't change who I am with you guys." 

 You know, if I were to rewind my life, I never would have thought I'd have this conversation with my girlfriends. ANY one of them. 

Which is why when I meet these new people, or sometimes not so new people but they happen to be there with the same intention as you are, and to share that feeling. THAT feeling. Man, it is just out of this world. 

Allah loves us so much that for every hardship that you have to endure, He is actually saving you from something bad in the future that only He can see. And He is so great at forgiving, so forgiving, even when you think that you do not deserve His forgiveness. That's how much He loves us. 

Let's strive for His pleasure in the things we do. Big ones, like careers and marriage. 

Or small ones, like giving charity and treating people the right way. 

protect what i love

Have you noticed that as we grow old, there will only be this bunch of friends who really, really know who you are, even when you don't know that part of you, yourself?

Sigh.

You know, I have been isolating myself from most people for these past few months because I realize that some things are just not worth hanging onto. Some create drama, and while I used to enjoy or even join in the drama, at this age I'm at, I don't need them anymore. There's no room in my mind to accommodate all these useless things which will drain me of my energy, for sure. 

Try doing something your friends don't expect you to do. Go against something they don't expect you to do and see their reaction. Some people, when they don't get what they want from you, they can be mean. A side of them you have not seen. Even if they are your very own close friends you've known for years. 

A few months ago, I was in a stressful situation, work-wise and family-wise. All I wanted at that time was understanding friends. That's it. This bunch of girlfriends keep asking me out for a catch-up session. At that time I was super busy from one weekend to another and I kept on rejecting their 'dates' and they went berserk about it. Biasalah, ladies and drama (me included la). So, in the midst of all this chaos, another group of friends also tried to set a date with me, which I politely declined as well, knowing my December schedule. But they were persistent and what they did next touched my heart deeply. This bunch of guy friends who work in the heart of KL and stay in faraway places like Ampang and Klang, went all the way from KL to see me in Cyberjaya, on their public holiday (it was Christmas Day, I was still working), so that they can have dinner with me. So sweet! Super duper sweet. I mean, can't my girlfriends do that too? Can't they be as understanding as the guys? I mean, the girls, they are practically working in Cyberjaya as well! And I didn't even think of that brilliant idea pun. Ah, can I just have guyfriends instead of girlfriends now? Haha, just kidding. I love my girlfriends just the same.  

When 2014 came, I was still swarmed up at work and activities. The same set of girlfriends ask me out for their birthday celebration next month. April, May and June are my busiest month so I just told them the weeks that I will be free. To the dismay of some of them who replied that the date set was already in agreement with most of  them, so I said ok, I'll follow majority (i think this surprised them). By this time, I was so annoyed that they bothered to even ask which dates I am free, but I kept reminding myself to be calm and patient. which was SO TOUGH! No wonder sabar is half of your iman :S

Is it them? Or is it just me? Am I being sensitive? Like I said, at this age, I don't need this. I don't need drama, I don't need friends who say beautiful things about yourself to you just to back-bite you in the end, I don't need talks about the latest cosmetic they have in Sephora or how much discount I can get, I don't need to discuss about someone's backside in the office nor do I want to talk about why is Miss A getting married with someone younger than her. I don't need those things anymore. Those will only make me love the world more when all I want now, is to leave all those behind. I don't want to feel jealousy, envy, competitive, excitement over worldly matters, arrogance, hatred. I just want to clean myself from all those mess I've built over the years and getting rid of them probably require having to leave some of your girlfriends behind, but that's okay.

The things that I love now is going for talks and classes to gain beneficial knowledge which I can share and educate my brothers and sisters with. The things that don't only benefit us now, but also when we have passed. I love having discussions with some girlfriends who go to these classes as well and we share the things that we learnt or debate about them, which will elevate our knowledge insyaAllah. These things, they give you a calmness in your hearts which you won't get it elsewhere. It's a delight having some of your lifelong questions answered by just asking and seeking. 

My point is, I have no room in my heart or mind for petty things. That doesn't mean I don't have fun anymore, I do, but just differently I guess. Someone once said, if you love a person, you gotta protect what he/she loves. That include her faith, her hobbies, her passion.

I can't agree more. 

human potential

Right now I'm supposed to be doing a research for a project BUT I miss blogging, I really do! Been quite occupied lately, which is good because 2014 is gonna be an awesome one, you bet. 

Some weeks ago I had 2 restless days thinking about an issue which I didn't know how to handle. I worried, threw tantrums (sorang2 in the room la), and heh, you know what? I fell sick and took MC the next day. Crazy right? I think prior to that I was already catching the flu and fever bug, plus I didn't really have proper sleep or rest. 

And then I asked Him.

I got my answer the next day while listening to Ikim.fm radio channel, talking about human potential. I forgot who was the invited guest at that time but what he said answered exactly what I was so restless about. Well, it goes along the line of something like this. 

Manusia telah diciptakan sebaik-baik kejadian, so do not measure your capability against another human. Everyone's got potential, which you might already have known, or will know later in life. 

There, crystal clear. 

Talking about human potential, I gotta salute those who have/are using their God-given skills to give back to the community. I've got a friend who's doing graphic designing. He is currently attached to an Islamic educational institution, designing posters for the institution's da'awah missions. Also, this used-to-be really popular local R&B sensation who are now going around the nation on their maulid quests. Never mind what take people has on maulids. I used to be their groupie back then tau. Subhanallah for this transformation :) Recently, one of my nephews showed me an application called myMasjid (or something like that) which he and his friends built. Besides the usual calling of the prayer (adzan) function, the application can also locate the nearest mosque for you, has a built-in compass and another function I can't recall. I mean, how great is that, masyaallah!

I came accross a phrase from the Quran  (28:77)  yesterday which fits the above situations perfectly. 

But seek, through that which Allah has given you, the home of the Hereafter; and [yet], do not forget your share of the world. And do good as Allah has done good to you. And desire not corruption in the land. Indeed, Allah does not like corrupters.

or its Malay translation,

Dan carilah dengan apa yang Allah dianugerahkan kepadamu itu negeri akhirat, dan janganlah kamu melupakan bahagianmu daripada duniawi, dan berbuat baiklah sebagaimana Allah telah berbuat baik kepadamu, dan janganlah kamu berbuat kerosakan di bumi. Sesungguhnya Allah tidak menyukai orang yang berbuat kerosakan.

How apt kan? So, please give back to the community if you have the chance. You could change the life of others, or subconsciously, your own :) 

happy news

Ikan di laut, asam di darat.

Dalam kuali bertemu jua.

Ever heard of that idiom?

Just now a colleague relayed a story of a friend who just tied the knot last week. I dengar their love story hati pun terus berbunga-bunga. Haha.. 

Last November, Linda, went to Armsterdam on one of her travel quest. Linda is one of those carefree I-just-wanna-spend-my-life-travelling-not-getting-married-yet kinda girl. When she got back, her friends tried to play cupid, match-making her with a Malay guy who, by their standards, is pretty decent, duaniawi and akhirat. Linda wasn't interested at first because firstly she was dating a mat salleh at that time. After much persuasion, she finally gave in, after doing istikarah etc. They dated a while, got engaged, just had their akad nikah last week and gonna do their reception this weekend.

I mean, this is Linda, who couldn't care less about having a wedding, let alone starting a family! And it all happened within a period of 3 months, masyaAllah. Kalau dah jodoh, they say ;)

I love their story because I think I can relate to Linda being carefree and not wanting to settle down that fast, and look at where she is now. Allah has given her someone who can guide her to Jannah. Betul lah, perempuan yang baik untuk lelaki yang baik :)

Couldn't help thinking am I baik enough already? How baik should I be? Or, have I ended up like this (still single) because of what I have done in the past? If so, what about those who are worse than I am? 

I know I shouldn't be thinking that at all. I am no angel, and definitely not better than another hamba Allah. I shouldn't judge as the rightful judge is Him, only Him. Hati lain-lain kan, only He knows what is in our hearts. 

In addition to this good news, I just found out that one of my ex is getting married in July. This is the ex from a couple of years ago, not the recent one. LOL. The only ex I've managed to stay friends with :) I am happy for him. I know he will make a great husband, and an even better father :) Looks like things are falling into place, alhamdulillah :') After all, He is the best of planners.

2014 so far has been good, and it's only January :) I know I'm a changed person now, and while some may not like how I am now, this is the path I choose to be.

I recently stumbled upon a word, husnuzon. It means having good thoughts of people and of His plans. 

InsyaAllah.

Good night, have a pleasant sleep :)

kain putih

Assalamualaikum abang2 and kakak2, aunties and uncles. 

I'm the latest addition to the Adeni family and I shall still remain nameless ;)

My niece, born on New Year, alhamdulillah. She looks exactly her mummy. Hehehe. I cannot wait to go back to Kuching to meet this munchkin. 

I'm sure you'll grow up gorgeous, baby girl. Yes! Another reason for me to buy more tutus!

On another note, last December while attending Twins of Faith 2013 Family Festival, there was this session for kids aged 5 and above called 'Play and Pray'. This session is particularly working as a nursery for kids as a means to facilitate and ease their parents who wish to go for talks and workshops throughout the day. But this ain't an ordinary cookies and milk nursery I tell ya. They actually teach kids the practices of Islam as a way of living. So on the way to one of the talks that day, I passed by that particular 'Play and Pray' hall and took a peek inside. Children were having a great time with their activities and one of the facilitator was asking them, "So who wants to be the imam for today's Zuhur prayer?" And almost all the kids were raising their hands. Mashaallah, if you can listen to what my heart was saying, it was actually shouting, "Wait? What? You guys are just tiny minions of 5 and you guys can confidently raise up your hands to lead a hall (of say about 100 kids) to pray?" Like, seriously? That alone, was like a slap in my face. Ko ado?

By the way, the Twins of Faith Family Festival is THE event of 2013 that I was soooo excited about. Was counting days for it. Organised by Mercy Mission Malaysia, its main objective is to bring in Muslim scholars from different parts of the world to give talks and to conduct workshops on different topics for the benefits of Muslims and non-Muslims who are interested to learn more about Islam. Besides talks and workshops, there were bazaars going on, a sisters corner for ehem, girly stuff (like pedicure manicure, spa treatment, sale of cosmetics), nursing rooms for mothers, a marriage corner (I heard this was such a hit), charity booths and charity drives and as mentioned earlier, a play and pray zone for kids. Everything about the event is beneficial for all ages so I do encourage you to come for this year's. It usually happens end of December :) Do come, I assure you a 2-day of knowledge you won't find anywhere else.

 The wonderful line-up of speakers for 2013

The treasure seekers :P

+1

Kamal Saleh, the recent Youtube sensation for his rap on Islam

The best view 

change

There are 3 things you must do in order to make that change, according to Ustaz Haslin : 

1) start with small things 

This concidentally echoes Shaykh Yahya Ibrahim's point on the best (deed) are usually the simplest

2) start with yourself

Shaykh Sulaiman Moola says, 

"Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. 

Today I am wise, I'm changing myself."

3) start today

"Make time for ilm. Insha Allah it will change you. Ilmu ni perlu didatangi, perlu dicari. Ulama' dulu travel so far for knowledge"

Sister Wardina