choose happiness!

My first post for 2018, well done Amy! :P 

Okay, I vow to write more blog posts in 2018 Insyaallah. I write more in Instagram though because it is faster that way but this time, what I am about to write is kind of a bit on a personal level, so here we go.

These past few months have been mentally-changing for me. It has been a period where I have been tested on my faith so much so that I needed to do a lot of thinking and self-reflection. Man, I overthink a LOT and honestly, I think I am having anxiety (!). But I really need to thank the Almighty for giving me this ample time to sort things out, to be with my family for the longest time since I left the house to further my studies, and at the same time, still keep myself sane at the end of the day despite being broken inside. Perhaps this is a reminder from Him that I have strayed away too far from Him and a calling to fix my relationship with Him. 

I have not read my Quran consistently in months and I can't remember when I last did my sunat prayers. To go through the struggle was a blessings in disguise.

A couple of days ago, I couldn't do my prayers because I was on my menses so I was a little disheartened because it feels like I couldn't connect to Him to tell Him of my sorrows. See how I underestimated His mercy? It was raining in the evening that day and I remember that one of the best time to make doa, that is more likely to be accepted by Allah, is when it is raining. I leaned back against my bed and prayed that Allah give me guidance on my doubts.

The next morning, I was checking my mail and I received the weekly love letter from Aida Azlin. This week's subject is 'To The Girl Who Hates Me.' 

You can subscribe to the love letters too, here. A part of the letter goes like this :

Like what Aida said, sometimes we tend to take the easier route. For me, it was easier to believe something which was not true and then build all sorts of negative thoughts in my mind, rather than have a good excuse for it and take a positive point of view of the situation. After reading the mail, I instantly remembered what Ustazah Liyana from Singapore said in one of her talks, "Promise yourself that you'll try your best and you'll work hard. Promise yourself that no matter how hard it is, you will always do the right thing." 

Masyallah, Jannah isn't easy. 

Mister have been reminding me again and again that we have to be strong if we want syurga and that it is not easy in the Hereafter. Why do you have to be so far away sayang :'(

This morning I saw this in Ustazah Liyana's Instagram.

Perfect advice kan? To tell you the truth, I just learned this concept when I was dealing with the whole ordeal. That happiness, really is our choice. When we are inflicted with hardship, our automatic reaction will be anger, frustration and blame game, right? All this negative energy is not helping us with anything really. In fact, it makes the situation worse. But we can make the situation better by doing something positive out of it. If it is something that we can change, well, change it. If it is something that we can't change, perhaps we can change something in ourselves that makes the situation a little less painful. We can choose happiness, if we want to, and to always pray for Allah to guide us and always have good thoughts about Him.

This is also something that caught by eye this morning, by a psychology lecturer.

That practically sums up the answer that I was waiting for. 

About dead hearts and how easily people give up on them. You see, I'm one who doesn't give up on people easily. I always make it a point that however bad someone is, there is surely a streak of goodness left in them. And that kindness NEVER goes out of style. How can I forget these things? Alhamdulillah for these reminders I so, soooo needed. 

I'll try my best not to take the easy way out. 

I'll try to always do the right thing, no matter how hard.

I'll try to be the best version of me and give my best effort

And put the rest in Allah's hands

Let me learn my lesson this time.

I

skeletons

The other night, Mister threw a question at me which caught me by surprise and it took me some time to finally understand what was it that I feared for in a relationship.

"It would be different kan if I was a local? You would've said yes straightaway and we would be making arrangements already."

I pondered on that and I realized that, that was not actually the case. It did not matter where he came from, I am sure of that.

"No, where you come from does not matter. It's just that coming to this day is a big thing which I never thought will come. I never thought I would finally be able to be here, you know. Deciding big things like this. Because... "

I stopped midway and choked. At that instance, I knew I was about to let the skeleton out of its closet.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry sayang," 

He said quickly, stepping in as my voice trailed off. Sounds drama a bit kan. I just wanted to remember this moment.

"Because, I was always the second option. The second best. You faham tak?" 

There I said it. Some scars just never heal. They stay in the closet with you until reality hits you one day and everything then makes sense.

The next thing came in a blur because obviously I was tearing up and he was trying his best to comfort me. I vividly remember feeling like I was in one of my religious classes, catching words and phrases like 'what's past is past', 'life is a series of tests', 'you passed the tests before',  'the only thing that matters is how it will be in the future' .. blabla.. Honestly I couldn't remember the rest but I know that it felt like I was listening to my ustaz giving us tazkirah. Actually I never saw this side of him being in his 'ustaz' mode and frankly speaking, I needed that reminder. But the best thing I feel is that there were no words of promises, just reminders to rely only on Allah. 

My weakness in all of my previous relationships is that I depend too much on people and their promises. And as a result, when I get heart-broken, it took some time for me to move on because I was always asking myself what is wrong with me. Truth is, we are all each created perfectly in our best form. There is nothing wrong with us, just some silly expectations that we created in order to have a so-called perfect relationship, when in fact we could channel our worries and hopes to the only one that could make it happen according to our best interest. 

Him.   

mirror, mirror

"Ko tau kan beb, aku rasa kan, memang Allah memang nak bagi the best person untuk kita," she started the conversation.

. 

I raised my eyebrows, encouraging her to elaborate.

"Aku tengok aku yang dulu, and the person I'm with dulu, sebenarnya we mirror each other." 

Interesting point, I thought. 

She continued, "And lepas berhijrah, relationship first aku lepas tu, is dengan 'A', which is I think the best person.. sebab dia semuanya baik for me. Agama pun ok. First time dating kat masjid."

I asked her, "Sape yang ajak dating kat masjid?"

"Dia yang ajak." She answered smiling, and continued, "Tu lah kan, dia sebenarnya baik. Perfect. Cuma, dia MIA je lepas tu."

I've never met 'A' but I've seen his photo and heard about their story. They were match-made by mutual friends. Nice-looking decent guy, perfect for this friend of mine. Kalau dah jodoh, ada lah tu nanti, I consoled her. 

But really, interesting point kan. The better we become, the better person (spouse) Allah gives us, masyaAllah. He is Maha Penyayang indeed. So, what we thought was the best for us, actually Allah takes them away because He wants to give someone better because who knows us better than the One who created us :') We shall be blessed with a spouse mirroring ourselves, insyaAllah. This reminded me of the infamous Justin Timberlake song, Mirror, which actually was one of my 'consoling' song when I was going through my break-up. I used it to console myself, telling myself that I'm better than this and that my other half should also reflect the best part of me. 

Your other half shouldn't complete you, because essentially you are a whole by yourself. Your other half should complement you. Yes, like a mirror, you reflect upon each other, and that is where you see each other's strengths and weaknesses. You see them in your spouse. That is where you kind of do your own tweaking, adapting, accepting and you know, just loving everything about each other, even the not-so-nice stuffs. 

Have you found your mirror?

let's date!

"Go out and date," said the aunty. 

"I've given your number to this teacher at my workplace. He will message you. Who knows he is your jodoh."

Erk. 

A few weeks after the incident.

"He is shy. That's why he hasn't messaged. Here, take his number and message him. Just do it. Who knows he is your jodoh."

Erkkk.

Me? Initiating a move? So not me. Not at all. 

This has happened quite a few times (initiated by relatives and friends every time) and most of the time, when the guy has gotten hold of my number, they are afraid to make the next move. Why oh why, dear men? The only time I made the first move was during the last relationship, which, by the way, turned disastrous. But that was so last season, so let's not talk about that now, shall we? :P

I think it is time to date (again), but there is no candidate, so how now, brown cow? 

Sometimes, yes, I do miss going on dates. Having someone special to share your day-to-day stories, to manja with, to go watch movies with, to pamper and be pampered, to flirt with, to try out new makan place with, to make fun of, to take care, to be sweet and nice to, just cause. Man, there are many things I miss doing, with a partner. 

My girlfriend and I were talking about this today. Pretty much pouring out our insecurities over the reasons (why we have not met The One, so to speak) and on what should we do about it etc (in which case, we don't really know what to do). It is hard to find a decent man. If he is good, he is already taken. That is always the case, sadly. 

I know that God is perfect in His timing. We probably have not done much effort on our parts, maybe. And after a series of disappointments, I'm probably still feeling a bit insecure. That, I need to let go. Let it goooo.. Yes, I need to let it go. And find that man. That kind-hearted, gentle and loving man, who will love me for who I was and who I am. Who will continue to seek God's love through the family he is responsible for. 

Okay, I'm ready to take the plunge. Again.

Pray for me? 

the ugly truth

You know how we say we don't want to do something anymore (i.e procrastinate, dwell and stuff) but somehow we end up doing it anyway? 

This morning I was watching the movie 'The Ugly Truth' and sort of regretted it. I enjoyed it actually (everytime I watch it) but sometimes something about a movie storyline reminds you of your past, you get what I mean?

So after watching this movie, I sort of miss the part where the boyfriend goes to you to just check up on you and see if everything is ok, just because you are not your usual cheerful self that day and he was just beside you since morning. Yeah, I miss that part. That checking up on me thing. Haish. 

Oh well. Stuff happens.

That's the ugly truth. 

happy news

Ikan di laut, asam di darat.

Dalam kuali bertemu jua.

Ever heard of that idiom?

Just now a colleague relayed a story of a friend who just tied the knot last week. I dengar their love story hati pun terus berbunga-bunga. Haha.. 

Last November, Linda, went to Armsterdam on one of her travel quest. Linda is one of those carefree I-just-wanna-spend-my-life-travelling-not-getting-married-yet kinda girl. When she got back, her friends tried to play cupid, match-making her with a Malay guy who, by their standards, is pretty decent, duaniawi and akhirat. Linda wasn't interested at first because firstly she was dating a mat salleh at that time. After much persuasion, she finally gave in, after doing istikarah etc. They dated a while, got engaged, just had their akad nikah last week and gonna do their reception this weekend.

I mean, this is Linda, who couldn't care less about having a wedding, let alone starting a family! And it all happened within a period of 3 months, masyaAllah. Kalau dah jodoh, they say ;)

I love their story because I think I can relate to Linda being carefree and not wanting to settle down that fast, and look at where she is now. Allah has given her someone who can guide her to Jannah. Betul lah, perempuan yang baik untuk lelaki yang baik :)

Couldn't help thinking am I baik enough already? How baik should I be? Or, have I ended up like this (still single) because of what I have done in the past? If so, what about those who are worse than I am? 

I know I shouldn't be thinking that at all. I am no angel, and definitely not better than another hamba Allah. I shouldn't judge as the rightful judge is Him, only Him. Hati lain-lain kan, only He knows what is in our hearts. 

In addition to this good news, I just found out that one of my ex is getting married in July. This is the ex from a couple of years ago, not the recent one. LOL. The only ex I've managed to stay friends with :) I am happy for him. I know he will make a great husband, and an even better father :) Looks like things are falling into place, alhamdulillah :') After all, He is the best of planners.

2014 so far has been good, and it's only January :) I know I'm a changed person now, and while some may not like how I am now, this is the path I choose to be.

I recently stumbled upon a word, husnuzon. It means having good thoughts of people and of His plans. 

InsyaAllah.

Good night, have a pleasant sleep :)

step by step

I didn't know that I was actually under a lot of stress lately until I got hit by migraine a few days ago. Can't remember when was the last I had it. It started at the office after I was done with the emails. Thank God the emails didn't come in loads like they did last week, and I gotta thank my wonderful colleagues too for always helping me out when the mailbox was bombarded with a whole load of them. Was contemplating to even cancel my class that night but haish, too precious to cancel. Thank God the traffic was ok on the way back home. Reached home took some pills, rested and then went to class. 

I gotta admit, maybe I didn't take care of myself well enough lately, which also might have contributed to this. Doctor advised to go for walks (okay,doc. been pilling up on the kilos already *cries*) and also do some breathing exercises. Procrastination, hear hear.

I'm not too sure the exact source of stress. I do know that lately some part of my brain has triggered some memory, just macam tu jek. Padahal all this while dah lama tak terfikir pasal yang lepas2. And lately, I feel like I've been pushed to the limit by people close to me on this thing we call love. I know they mean well for me, they always do. They'd recommend people and stuff, but I don't know la. Sometimes part of me miss that part of dating etc, but most of the time, I'm think I'm still a little bit scared. How la? Slow slow je la kot. Anyways, I believe that He has my best interest at hand, so I don't have to worry too much. Ok kawan2ku yang sedang membaca luahan hatiku ni, don't worry about me too much ok. I am fine the way I am now :P Dating's fun but hanging out with u girls lagi fun tau  >.< 

Baby steps, katanyerrr.. 

Just a little note to all heartbreakers who might be reading this, when you break someone's heart, you rip them off everything that made them who they are. 

Their confidence. 

May He grant yourselves some humanity and love in your hearts. 

Ameen.

what i want #3 - take time off for each other

Hellooo. How are you today? I hope you are in the pink of health!

Oh yeah, I've been meaning to say. It's October, and if you have not heard, October is also associated with the colour pink, hence, Pink October, a month of breast cancer awareness. Of course, we shouldn't limit this awareness to only this month :) Yesterday, my department has some sort of a KFC makan-makan session at the office and alhamdulillah, most of us (even the guys) came in pink as requested by yours truly *peace sign*

But that's not really the point of this entry (selalu tauu, iklan-iklan gitu)

This is entry #3 for what I want for my future :)

I went to Sy Yahya Ibrahim's talk on what does it take to be the happiest women recently, and he gave 20 points on how to. One of the points is to learn from your parents's life, the good and also the not so good.

One of the best things I learn from them is to take some time off for each other. Nearly every morning, my dad and my mum would go out to have breakfast together, just the two of them. They know each other's favourites or second favourite (in case the shop doesn't have the first one). I remember my aunt asking me one morning, " Mana mak? Dating la tu."  Ahaa.

So it's either eating out, having some date night (i.e movies etc) or just having home-made breakfast or dinner at home, just the two of us. I secretly love cooking breakfast. I think I would love it even more to be cooking breakfast for him >.<  Pandai-pandai je kan, cuba nanti dah kawin. Ada lagi kerr? Insha allah. Hohohooo..

I love mornings. I guess it's the breath of fresh air, the new hope.

Today's breakfast - scrambled eggs, diced tomatoes and frankfurters in mixed herbs. Love English breakfast as my stomach can't take heavy meals in the morning

I think having a time-off from the household every once in a while is good for you and your spouse, away from other things that can hinder you from getting to know each other, even after some 30 years of marriage. We never stop learning, betul tak? There is bound to be something new that you learn about your spouse, every single day.

These days, divorce is so common in the society that it's starting to be the trend already. I do not want that in my future. I admit that that is one of the reasons I'm scared to be committed to a marriage. Thing is, I can't shake this perception in my head that no matter how good a man is, somehow or rather, they are bound to have a change of heart, somewhere along the lifeline of a marriage. I don't want to go through the trauma of having to think that I'm second best. I mean, isn't that what your spouse is for? To protect and make you feel like you're the best thing that has ever happened to him/her? Otherwise, imagine the insecurity and the inferiority the spouse has to go through. Imagine feeling like that everyday, it's like a child who gets deprived of affection from his parents, so he resorts to rebelling. 

Oh, the horror. 

I hope what I want will be materialized in the future. I know it's not enough just hoping and praying, both of us need to make it work and of course, tawakkal. 

Taking the words of a fellow Muslim brother, Mazhir Jamil Ya-Si : 

'Change of heart often occurs when one goes through hardship. A person may want to change their ways for their own betterment. After all they feel that life has treated them bad whenever they found happiness. They feel that whenever they found happiness it gets taken away from them. But not everything you believe is happiness. A Haram relationship - by no means is this acceptable as a muslim? You haven't found happiness, you have just fallen into the trap and following the evil whispers occupying your mind. So whenever this relationship breaks, know that it was for the best and happiness lies outside of haram. Reflect the past. Mistakes will be always made but remember, the experience that you gain from them should enable you to stop. Unless you have a weak heart.'

....."Therefore, when I am your other half, I only want to be completed, not to be compared. I am indeed a woman by nature, and as your wife, all I need is just my husband.

The goal is Jannah, hence please be with me in anything that is pleasure to Allah. May Allah bless us forever, ameen."

Someday you'll find the right person, and you'll learn to have a lot more confidence in yourself. That's what I think - Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

can i see your phone?

A few days ago, MixFM had this interesting topic open for discussion on their morning show. I loveee their morning show because honestly, I love to hear Sarimah in her Irish accent. Hehe.

Anyway, on the topic. 

Would you check your spouse's/bf-gf's handphone/Facebook account/email just to confirm that there's no hanky panky going on behind you?

Most of the callers who called in said that yes, they would. Simply because, they need to know and confirm. One caller even confessed that she had broken up with her boyfriend the day before because of what she found in his phone messages. 

At work, I asked my colleagues the same the question. Most of the guys don't mind their phones being checked, but not their wallet. Still that doesn't really answer the question, but I guess, that's just something guys don't want to share. On the other hand, my lady boss gave a simple but meaningful answer.

She said that, if there really is something going on with her husband and a third person, ultimately if Allah wills it, you will definitely get the answer, without having to invade their privacy. I have read/heard of this somewhere, and saya setuju!

Actually, this topic's close to my heart. Sure, I got what I wanted to know but did I benefit anything from it? No. In fact it made things worse. And I've learnt my lesson. One tough lesson it was.

Or perhaps, this is His way of showing? :)

Additionally, I'd like to share some words of wisdom from 2 sheikhs that I respect,  in view of the above situation.

#1 Sheikh Hamza Yusuf

Only thing that reduces anxiety is by certainty (Yaqeen), and knowing that everything that happens is only because of Allah, and you’re in good hands

#2 Sheikh Mirza Yawar Baig

Tawakkul is to know, not believe; know, that Allah hears, sees and answers and that we don't need to ask anyone else after asking Him

Makes perfect sense. 

feed your heart with good things

If only we are able to instantly differentiate decisions on whether they are for worldly pleasures or to seek for Paradise, wouldn't it be nice?

Nah, it would be too easy. Not challenging enough kan? The dunya itself is a test, and guess what, the hardest challenge that you have to face is to overcome the evil inside of you. Yes, it is part of us, unfortunately. 

Which is why we need to always feed our hearts with good things, be it doa (prayers), Qur'an recitation, zikir, knowledge, having good intention or even the basic of it all, having a good heart. Just recently I read an article by Imam Khalid Latif in Huffington Post, talking about the condition of our hearts. Personally I love the article. You can read it here.  Our faith tends to wear out just like our clothes do (okay, I got this from reading it somewhere), that is why we need to keep on increasing them by ways above. 

The things that has happened to me these few months, the bad and the good, have taught me immensely on the things that matters most on this planet. That is, everything that you do, is for the sake of Allah. Have it any other way, you are bound to lose them (as in the things you fought so hard for) and you are bound to lose yourself. That is pretty bad, if you ask me. 

I have sinned a lot, an awful lot. And I still have a lot to learn, to absorb, to discover, to do.

I parted with my ex-boyfriend on good terms, but I've decided that it wouldn't do me any good to still be in contact with him. I know that he still loves me when we took the decision to break up, but when a man starts to have doubts about your future when he is faced with choices that only benefits him in the dunya, that's when you know that you need to move on. Taking some wise words I've learnt along the way, keep close to you those who remind you of Allah. So the very spot on. 

Honestly, I'm not so sure if I have forgiven him. It takes time, really, I guess. But I know I am in a better place without him. I know he used to read my blog but I don't know if he still does (you know with the 'added value' in his life, and everything). 

Dear men (and women), never take on what you cannot defend. 

That line itself is for you to ponder upon and decide with if you think whatever you're going to do is worth it in the long run.

I'm writing this for a dear girlfriend of mine who is currently facing what I used to face. It's hard, I know. Just put your trust in Allah, everything will be fine. The moment we understand that Allah's decision is always in our best interest, everything will start to make sense.

Paolo Coelho said in his book 'The Alchemist' (which I have not completed yet), 

'The secret of happiness is to see all the marvels of the world, and never to forget the drops of oil on the spoon.'

which to me basically translates as, you can search all the wonders of the world, marvel at them, be excited about them and such, but never forget your true intention in this dunya.

Girlfriend, I love you lots. I know I've said it a hundred times over :)

"Make yourself better and time will fix everything else" 

Patrick Harris Neil 

what I want #2 - he who practices Islam

The second 'What I want' entry after 2 months. Click here for the first. 

I have been in and out of quite a few relationships and I still don't know what love is. I used to think that all that matters in a relationship is the chemistry that you have with each other. Like how you can talk to each other until the wee hours of the morning, even if you had to go to work early the next day (and still have something to talk about the next day), like how you were thinking about something and your other half suddenly talks to you about it, or how comfortable you feel just sitting beside them doing absolutely nothing, and still enjoy their company. You know that kinda thing. 

  That's probably based on the assumption or sort of a quote I read somewhere that when you choose a life partner, choose someone that you can never ran out of things to talk about, because in the end, you're gonna have to live in the same house, share the same bed, eat the same food, experience the growing old together. So, I must have been heading in the right direction, kan? 

I found that person. I was happy, and contented. 

But what if, he found the same chemistry, with another person? What is left of the relationship?

Nothing. Kaput.

Let me tell you about one of my role models since I was younger. 

You see, for years, I've observed how my uncle (in-law), Mok Y, took care of my aunt, Mok M. My aunt got married quite late, in her early thirties and they were actually match-made by their families. Probably because of age, my aunt had a hard time conceiving, so they adopted 2 girls to complete the family. It was evident that my uncle was earning way lesser than my aunt, but that was never a problem. I think what makes up for that is his character as a husband and a father. My uncle is quite a joker (and quite a charmer too, I might add), so I guess that balances the intensity between them. My aunt is loving but can be strict at times due to her nature of work as a school principal. They tease each other a lot (I think I'm beginning to have this register in my head. Future husband : must tease me a lot :P ).

So far so good, right? But the one thing that I respect this man a lot for is how he treats our family, exactly like his own. They live quite near to my grandparents, so everyday, he would drop by my grandparents's to check out on them. Every single day. During Raya, he is one of the busiest man in our household, from fixing the lampu liplap outside to helping us ladies with the cooking in the kitchen. My own uncles are not even that 'busy'. 

Now, where can I find one of those? They are of rare species nowadays. Hehe. 

I have a confession. I used to have this mindset to not get married (ever) and I have my personal reasons for that. The last few months has taught me on the beauty of having a family. Having a good Muslim husband, beautiful children and a loving family. Have always wondered how it would be like to be a wife and a mother (and all those maternal instinct you never knew you had). 

Sometimes I wonder what changed, or rather, how it all changed. I mean, the perception. Maybe the more I read, the more it makes sense. Heh, obviously I don't read much. I was out having iftar with some of my close friends the other day. They were the 'happening' bunch, always up-to-date with the latest designer brands, gadgets and such. Usually I would join the hype but I notice that I wasn't really interested this time around. Maybe I was just tired. Or broke. Hahaha. 

 So, back to my post title, what I want for my future, is a life striving for His pleasure, which I can find through a good husband who practices Islam . Funny how this never crossed my mind before. 

"If you love someone, you should protect what he/she loves (dreams, passion, family, faith and the list goes on)" - Hanis Zalikha

starting off on a new journey

I was just starting my work at the office earlier today when one of my girlfriends sent me a message.

"Babe, I have something to ask you."

That line alone made me a bit nervous, heh. You know like the "We need to talk" kinda thing. So we set a chat date over Facebook during lunch.

"I harap you dah bersedia dengan soalan ni", she said typed.

-_____-"

And continued.
"U dah bersedia untuk date orang lain tak?"

My oh my. I thought this day will never come. To tell you the truth, I never thought of it ever since that fateful day. My focus was only to develop myself. But I was feeling somewhat my old happy self lately,  (this has been reflecting in my work and my social attribute) so I said something along the line of "Yeah, I guess so."

Turned out, she wanted to introduce me to a couple of guys she knew from her freelancing work. You see the things a girlfriend would do for you! *sniff*
I laff you gorjes.

I think I'm ready. Well, I gotta start somewhere, right?

My only thought,
" Anything, or anyone, that brings me closer to God is definitely good."


                                                                                                Credits to Ariz.


Well, here goes nothing.


“I believe that every single event in life happens in an opportunity to choose love over fear.” 
Oprah Winfrey

renewed faith

My favorite part of the day. Midnight. Especially on a Friday. 

"There's always something about Friday nights and adrenaline rush". 

My tweet earlier. Well yeah, 'cos I was driving on the highway with the windows rolled down and that brush of air while you're driving at high speed,  makes you feel alive. Not that I'm promoting that need for speed, of course. Hey it was still within the speed limit (i think). AND I wasn't tweeting while driving. Honest!

Anyways, one of my best friends, Nas, got engaged to her Mister Dinosaur today (yeap, that's what she calls him. hehe. i think it's cute). She's in Kuching and I was so disappointed that I couldn't be there with her on her special day. Couldn't get the day off from the boss. Boo. But whatever it is, I am so happy for her on this big step. I mean, I've known Nas since primary school, for goodness sake. And while we weren't that close in school, we met again lots of years later in KL of all places and became the best of friends since then. She is a big part of my life. She introduced me to MIFA, how's that?!?  :')

For Nas to have taken this big, bold step of moving on to another level, and being casual about it is something I must say I respect. To me, this shows a level of maturity because it is a decision that affects not only her alone, but her family and his family as well. Well, I don't know Mister Dinosaur personally (though I intend to give a personal speech to him on how to make Nas happy :P ) , but from Nas's stories, I think he will make a good husband. Anyhow, there's this surah, surah an-Nur ayat 26 which states that 

"Perempuan yang jahat untuk lelaki yang jahat dan lelaki yang jahat untuk perempuan yang jahat. Perempuan yang baik untuk lelaki yang baik dan lelaki yang baik untuk perempuan yang baik." 

and I firmly believe that Mister Dinosaur is indeed lelaki yang baik.

Thing is, life has this wonderful way of unfolding itself. Some call it luck, others may call it fate. Muslims, like myself, call them Qada' and Qadar. I know sometimes we're presented with choices that we don't understand and we wonder what He is trying to tell us. Yeah it's funny at times but having to go through a bad break-up recently, it actually gave me a renewed sense of faith that everything is the way it should be. Indeed He knows what's best for us. Allah is great and He loves us so very dearly. We just need to have faith and of course coupled with our own effort. That's what I feel anyways. 

 And speaking of marriage, honestly I've always wondered what does it mean when they say "To enter a marriage in the name of Allah." What I used to think is that, I thought you get married in the name of love, so how can you get married if you don't love the person you're marrying? How do you do it in the name of Allah? I mean, yes you can say it aloud, I'm marrying him/her in the name of Allah but how do you justify it with your actions? Been thinking about this for quite a long time now and I think I may have found the answer in this video.

Sending a lot of love over from KL, Sweetheart. You deserve each other. And I will see you real soon!

"He found you wandering"

That is, lovingly seeking God. So He guided you and the creation to Him.

Habib Ali al-Jifri

moments of impact

I was watching 'The Vow' (starring Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams) last night and there's this one scene that was so close to my heart. 

It's like being transported back into time. 

  

"These moments of impact, these flashes of high intensity that completely turn our lives upside down, actually end up defining who we are"

Yup, that's taken from this movie. 

The photo up there, it reminded me of the end of a beautiful relationship, but most importantly, the start of a relationship even more beautiful it feels like being in paradise. 

May Allah bless you, Amin.

what i want #1 - a big and close-knit family

One of my best friends told me to first know what I want, then act and focus on what I have decided. You know, after the whole fiasco. It never crossed my mind, honestly. Because, I guess, being compassionate and all, I would put others first before myself and I kept on telling myself that they would change, someday. This turned out to be one of the red flag in my previous relationship.

So what I am gonna do now is jot down what I want for myself in the future. So whenever I think and decide what I want, I'm gonna jot them down in my blog, as and when. This will act as a reminder for me to understand myself and why I choose them in the first place. 

The first thing that I want for myself in the future is to have a big and close-knit family of myself and my future spouse. 

The other day, a friend and I were talking about our families. He is of a mixed parentage of Eurasian, Indian, Chinese,  Portuguese and yada-yada I've lost count. And because of this many mixes of cultures, he has a huge extended family and they would always gather at an aunt's house for festivities or just because, have some makan-makan session and just chill. That is super cool! Imagine hanging out in the huge living room with families of different cultures and just spend the afternoon together. So many stories to share, I tell you. Exciting, don't you think? Well, I hope my future family in law will be a cool family to call them my own :P

I shall continue on what I want in the next entry :)

Him

Among the things I love about him...
♥ 

Let's fall and stay in ♥

Where do I even begin? :) Everything's so beautiful :)


First and foremost, I busted my promise to myself which was not to go shopping for the next 6 months (due to shopping giler2 in HK).


What I did was spend $ in Forever 21 (I even planned to go there again next weekend.Demmmittt!) Helloo? 70% sale!! And I'm planning this year to have more lacey blouses :D


Next, I bought RM300++ worth of cosmetics, whereby I needed only the foundation, but ended up buying soap + make-up remover. HOWEVER! The kind saleslady gave me 6 extra gifts and I'm sooooo loving them. I love her! And she asked me to come back to her for future purchases. I definitely will!


And then, erm.. I was out with my beau :) We watched 'Little Fockers' and the movie was not too bad, more to 18SX, I can say.  


So far I am blessed to have him in my new life, seriously. He has been nothing but a gentleman. Because the thing is, he makes me happy . Love you, sayang (he will be reading this :P )


Honestly I have been having these weird feeling, I mean in a good way. It's like everything is falling in place, one by one. I feel like everything around me has been positive and that this year is going to be a good year, God-willing. 


Let's hope for miracles ;) 
Fall in love, it's beautiful.

Leave me alone

I hate it so much when I wake up on a weekend morning feeling great, with all these exciting plans up in my head and THEN whammmm, I get sad and depressing phone calls or people calling me going on and on about their problems and expecting me to solve them. I mean, get a life. I gave you my opinion, suggestions but you don't even consider them, so stop calling me. 


So okay yeah, maybe I'm selfish or whatsoever but I need some me time as well alrite? And when I get these calls, they tend to influence my mood for the day and I goddamned hate it. HATE IT!


Like this morning, when my EX called me, taking me down memorylane and stuffs like that. Come on, you have your own life and now I have mine. Stop blabbing about the past because I've moved on, you made me. And when you started telling me about your new life, I was alone in some freaking country with no one to hold on to. Talk about being selfish. But I have moved on, and so should you.   


Sometimes I wish I wasn't so nice. But the thing is, I cannot be bad to others because that is not who I am and I also believe in karma. This too, actually is a setback for me because some tend to take this opportunity to hurt me. Geram! Can you dodos leave me alone? 

Because marriages do not fail, people fail

Earlier in the week, I read that one of the bloggers whose blog I love to read has gotten herself hitched. And I just love hearing people getting hitched. The camaderie, the beauty, the purity, I love it all. Prior to her getting hitched, she posted a little somethin' in her blog, which I have gotten to love. Here goes : -

Because to the depths of me, I long to love one person,
With all my heart, my soul, my mind, my body…
Because I need a forever friend to trust with the intimacies of me,
Who won’t hold them against me,
Who loves me when I’m unlikable,
Who sees the small child in me, and
Who looks for the divine potential of me…
Because I need to cuddle in the warmth of the night
With someone who thanks God for me,
With someone I feel blessed to hold…
Because marriage means opportunity
To grow in love in friendship…
Because marriage is a discipline
To be added to a list of achievements…
Because marriages do not fail, people fail
When they enter into marriage
Expecting another to make them whole…
Because, knowing this,
I promise myself to take full responsibility
For my spiritual, mental and physical wholeness
I create me, I take half of the responsibility for my marriage
Together we create our marriage…
Because of this understanding
The possibilities are limitless.

by Mari Nichols-Haining ( via Juliana Ibrahim )


I personally like the line which I had coloured in pink, because they are so true. We can't say marriages fail, because they don't. It is really up to humans. And to me, as humans, something as pure as marriage is really something that you need to put your whole soul into because it signifies your promise to God that you are going to take care of each other, no matter what.

Hugs and kisses. Missing my sayang.

Still fighting

Stumbled upon this song while looking for AJ's new song.

This might sound cliche-ish but somehow the lyrics reflect my exact emotions, of fear, uncertainty, my wanting to get rid of all those. Currently having a hard time pushing away the past which is now trying to make its way into my current life. (lol, can't I be anymore vague?)


Without You - AJ Rafael

Bucket full of tears
Baby know I'm here
I'm here waiting

Just close your precious eyes
And just realize
I'm still fighting
For you to be with me
Sit under this tree
And we can watch the sunrise

Wake up feel the air that I'm breathin'
I can't explain this feeling that I'm feelin'
I won't go another day without you
Hold on I promise it gets brighter
When it rains I'll hold you even tighter
I won't go another day without you

I know you're feeling down
Like no one's around
But baby you're wrong

Just get rid of the fear
Promise that I'm here
I'll never be gone

So baby come with me
We can fly away and we can see the stars shine
And baby you can be my love

This is me tonight
No more games and no more lies
And I know it's right
'Cos of the way you look into my eyes
And when I hold you tight
The worries dissapear I'm glad ur in my life

p/s: Can you help me move on?