Sunday, September 28, 2014

keep the faith

Have you ever wanted and prayed for something so so bad? You think you've done everything there is to do just to get that one thing, only to be disappointed in the end. 

When I was in my previous job, work was everything to me. Stayed long hours for months, did projects and migration, managed people, streamlining processes yada2. I loved what I was doing because I have wonderful colleagues , the pay was good and I knew I was doing an amazing job. 5 years at the company, attended 3 interviews for promotions which had 95% chance of me getting promoted based on my capabilities, only to find out that "Your interview was exceptionally good but we had to promote the senior one first."

You know, that kind of disappointment?

This time, I am going through the same, except that this time it's not about work. It is about life. You know, sometimes, we think we have done everything to get what we want. But when we don't get what we pray for straightaway, we start to blame God on it. I don't blame God, though, I am blaming myself and looking for what is it I have done or haven't, so I can finally get what I want. But I was having doubts about His promises. That shouldn't happen, I shouldn't think that. Felt like smacking off those syaitonnirajim for putting those doubts in my heart. 

Last Thursday, during usrah, each of us shared a verse from the Quran and shared their reflection based on our own understanding. Some shared 'popular' verse and surah like surah al-Asr (about how precious and limited time is and how we are often use our time on duniawi things and only spared the 'leftover' time to Allah i.e "Still ada masa lagi ni, baru sempat nak buat solat."), surah ar-Rahman on that 1 verse repeated 31 times in the surah (the verse is, "Which of the favors of your Lord would you deny?", basically a reminder on the many, many rezeki that He has given us but we still choose not to believe, also one of my favourite surah :) ), surah al-Baqarah verse 45 on having patience and pray (coincidentally my granduncle was advising the same to us in the car 2 weeks back, he said, bad or good, ask only from Him, do not seek elsewhere, ask and sujud) and surah ali Imran verse 185 on every living thing will surely taste death.

One of us shared a verse from surah Taha verse 132 ("Kami tidak meminta rezeki daripadamu bahkan Kamilah yang memberi rezeki kepadamu.") Nearly made me cry because when she explained on her reflection, it hit me on the spot. Right on the spot. A few years back, she was a workaholic and had very little time spent with the Creator, doing just the basic like the 5 obligatory prayers, fasting in Ramadhan and totally missing out on terawikh prayers. In the end she realized that the more money she got, the faster she lost them as well, like there is no barakah in her rezeki. And then, she started prioritizing Allah in her daily life. Things start to change since then. Back to my point about having doubts on His promise (and smacking off that evil devil), that reflection sort of put an end to this dilemma that I am having.


Yesterday morning I read this status in Facebook which sort of seconded the answer that I was looking for. Read on please :)

Allah tahu apa dan bila masa yang terbaik.

Be patient, Weina, your time will come, insyaAllah. 

You go girl.

Monday, September 22, 2014


Ya Rabb.

You have placed me in a place I don't deserve. Not after what I have done to myself and what haven't I done for You. I'm not worthy of the chances that You have given me again and again. 

Subhanallah, how forgiving You are. I wish I could redeem back the years that I had without having You in my thoughts and actions and I regret them terribly. I am not worthy of those chances. 

al-Jabbar, the Mender. 

You have mended me and paved my path back to how it should have been. You have given me a strong heart like what I've always prayed for since that first day. You have brought some special people to be with me in this journey and we learn so much from each other.

You have given me a stir in this heart everytime I witness Your Greatness in the rotation of night and day, the perfect cycle of life for human and creatures of the earth, the beautiful sunset, in life itself, in watching my little nieces and nephews grow, in embracing the way my parents grow old and are still fond of each other. I have watched how You distribute your sustenance in such ways that we are never left without any food on the table, on any given day. 

You have shown me how wrong I was, the wrong company I was in, and the wrong path that I was about to take. And You saved me. 

You have taken away things from me so that I would think and understand. 
Think and read. Not to waste anymore time living in delusions. 

Today I might have caught a glimpse of my future but I was so scared and hesitant to take it up. Everything is so vulnerable and so temporary that I was scared. 

If it is meant to be for me, it will come. Like how I have been putting my entire trust in You for what is going happen and what is not. 


Dunya oh dunya. You pulled me in again and made everything seemed sensible. 

You, cunning, you.