choose happiness!

My first post for 2018, well done Amy! :P 

Okay, I vow to write more blog posts in 2018 Insyaallah. I write more in Instagram though because it is faster that way but this time, what I am about to write is kind of a bit on a personal level, so here we go.

These past few months have been mentally-changing for me. It has been a period where I have been tested on my faith so much so that I needed to do a lot of thinking and self-reflection. Man, I overthink a LOT and honestly, I think I am having anxiety (!). But I really need to thank the Almighty for giving me this ample time to sort things out, to be with my family for the longest time since I left the house to further my studies, and at the same time, still keep myself sane at the end of the day despite being broken inside. Perhaps this is a reminder from Him that I have strayed away too far from Him and a calling to fix my relationship with Him. 

I have not read my Quran consistently in months and I can't remember when I last did my sunat prayers. To go through the struggle was a blessings in disguise.

A couple of days ago, I couldn't do my prayers because I was on my menses so I was a little disheartened because it feels like I couldn't connect to Him to tell Him of my sorrows. See how I underestimated His mercy? It was raining in the evening that day and I remember that one of the best time to make doa, that is more likely to be accepted by Allah, is when it is raining. I leaned back against my bed and prayed that Allah give me guidance on my doubts.

The next morning, I was checking my mail and I received the weekly love letter from Aida Azlin. This week's subject is 'To The Girl Who Hates Me.' 

You can subscribe to the love letters too, here. A part of the letter goes like this :

Like what Aida said, sometimes we tend to take the easier route. For me, it was easier to believe something which was not true and then build all sorts of negative thoughts in my mind, rather than have a good excuse for it and take a positive point of view of the situation. After reading the mail, I instantly remembered what Ustazah Liyana from Singapore said in one of her talks, "Promise yourself that you'll try your best and you'll work hard. Promise yourself that no matter how hard it is, you will always do the right thing." 

Masyallah, Jannah isn't easy. 

Mister have been reminding me again and again that we have to be strong if we want syurga and that it is not easy in the Hereafter. Why do you have to be so far away sayang :'(

This morning I saw this in Ustazah Liyana's Instagram.

Perfect advice kan? To tell you the truth, I just learned this concept when I was dealing with the whole ordeal. That happiness, really is our choice. When we are inflicted with hardship, our automatic reaction will be anger, frustration and blame game, right? All this negative energy is not helping us with anything really. In fact, it makes the situation worse. But we can make the situation better by doing something positive out of it. If it is something that we can change, well, change it. If it is something that we can't change, perhaps we can change something in ourselves that makes the situation a little less painful. We can choose happiness, if we want to, and to always pray for Allah to guide us and always have good thoughts about Him.

This is also something that caught by eye this morning, by a psychology lecturer.

That practically sums up the answer that I was waiting for. 

About dead hearts and how easily people give up on them. You see, I'm one who doesn't give up on people easily. I always make it a point that however bad someone is, there is surely a streak of goodness left in them. And that kindness NEVER goes out of style. How can I forget these things? Alhamdulillah for these reminders I so, soooo needed. 

I'll try my best not to take the easy way out. 

I'll try to always do the right thing, no matter how hard.

I'll try to be the best version of me and give my best effort

And put the rest in Allah's hands

Let me learn my lesson this time.

I

jual tanah

Found this while scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook and this reminded me of my father.

A few months before my graduation day (years ago of course..hehe), I told my father about the convocation ceremony. To which he congratulated me and told me something I won't forget. 

"Papa is sorry because Papa can't afford the money to bring all of us there. Maybe Papa can jual the tanah here so we can all attend your convocation."

But Allah is Maha Kaya.

I was able to secure a job right after I finished studying and with that little money, they could all go to Penang to see their kakak graduate :')

Today, we still don't have much, but alhamdulillah, we still have each other ♥

keep the faith

Have you ever wanted and prayed for something so so bad? You think you've done everything there is to do just to get that one thing, only to be disappointed in the end. 

When I was in my previous job, work was everything to me. Stayed long hours for months, did projects and migration, managed people, streamlining processes yada2. I loved what I was doing because I have wonderful colleagues , the pay was good and I knew I was doing an amazing job. 5 years at the company, attended 3 interviews for promotions which had 95% chance of me getting promoted based on my capabilities, only to find out that "Your interview was exceptionally good but we had to promote the senior one first."

You know, that kind of disappointment?

This time, I am going through the same, except that this time it's not about work. It is about life. You know, sometimes, we think we have done everything to get what we want. But when we don't get what we pray for straightaway, we start to blame God on it. I don't blame God, though, I am blaming myself and looking for what is it I have done or haven't, so I can finally get what I want. But I was having doubts about His promises. That shouldn't happen, I shouldn't think that. Felt like smacking off those syaitonnirajim for putting those doubts in my heart. 

Last Thursday, during usrah, each of us shared a verse from the Quran and shared their reflection based on our own understanding. Some shared 'popular' verse and surah like surah al-Asr (about how precious and limited time is and how we are often use our time on duniawi things and only spared the 'leftover' time to Allah i.e "Still ada masa lagi ni, baru sempat nak buat solat."), surah ar-Rahman on that 1 verse repeated 31 times in the surah (the verse is, "Which of the favors of your Lord would you deny?", basically a reminder on the many, many rezeki that He has given us but we still choose not to believe, also one of my favourite surah :) ), surah al-Baqarah verse 45 on having patience and pray (coincidentally my granduncle was advising the same to us in the car 2 weeks back, he said, bad or good, ask only from Him, do not seek elsewhere, ask and sujud) and surah ali Imran verse 185 on every living thing will surely taste death.

One of us shared a verse from surah Taha verse 132 ("Kami tidak meminta rezeki daripadamu bahkan Kamilah yang memberi rezeki kepadamu.") Nearly made me cry because when she explained on her reflection, it hit me on the spot. Right on the spot. A few years back, she was a workaholic and had very little time spent with the Creator, doing just the basic like the 5 obligatory prayers, fasting in Ramadhan and totally missing out on terawikh prayers. In the end she realized that the more money she got, the faster she lost them as well, like there is no barakah in her rezeki. And then, she started prioritizing Allah in her daily life. Things start to change since then. Back to my point about having doubts on His promise (and smacking off that evil devil), that reflection sort of put an end to this dilemma that I am having.

:')

Yesterday morning I read this status in Facebook which sort of seconded the answer that I was looking for. Read on please :)

Allah tahu apa dan bila masa yang terbaik.

Be patient, Weina, your time will come, insyaAllah. 

You go girl.

undeserving

Ya Rabb.

You have placed me in a place I don't deserve. Not after what I have done to myself and what haven't I done for You. I'm not worthy of the chances that You have given me again and again. 

Subhanallah, how forgiving You are. I wish I could redeem back the years that I had without having You in my thoughts and actions and I regret them terribly. I am not worthy of those chances. 

al-Jabbar, the Mender. 

You have mended me and paved my path back to how it should have been. You have given me a strong heart like what I've always prayed for since that first day. You have brought some special people to be with me in this journey and we learn so much from each other.

You have given me a stir in this heart everytime I witness Your Greatness in the rotation of night and day, the perfect cycle of life for human and creatures of the earth, the beautiful sunset, in life itself, in watching my little nieces and nephews grow, in embracing the way my parents grow old and are still fond of each other. I have watched how You distribute your sustenance in such ways that we are never left without any food on the table, on any given day. 

You have shown me how wrong I was, the wrong company I was in, and the wrong path that I was about to take. And You saved me. 

You have taken away things from me so that I would think and understand. 

Think and read. Not to waste anymore time living in delusions. 

Today I might have caught a glimpse of my future but I was so scared and hesitant to take it up. Everything is so vulnerable and so temporary that I was scared. 

If it is meant to be for me, it will come. Like how I have been putting my entire trust in You for what is going happen and what is not. 

InsyaAllah.  

Dunya oh dunya. You pulled me in again and made everything seemed sensible. 

You, cunning, you.

walk a mile.... in my shoes

You know, throughout this trying time of ours, one of the good thing that came out of it of which I am so proud of is how hard my brothers work and how unselfish they are in sharing and giving up their income to help the family. 

From young, we were blessed with abundance of rezeki that most of the time, we don't have to share anything because we could afford to have one each etc. Now that the tables have turned, I could see that at first it was very hard for us to get adjusted to this new 'lifestyle'. We had to ration our food, like, everyone can only get 1 piece of whatever food was on the table, eat canned sardines, KFC is considered a luxury etc. 

Now, my brothers are the biggest contributors to the family. The first one is always willing to help with the finance whenever the family needs it, the second one working full-time and sometimes part time too (he does banci at times. What is banci in English again? Big bucks too, ok) and is always trying to find out ways to generate income. This brother who used to be that one selfish sibling who wouldn't share anything with anyone. I'm so proud of you :') And the last brother, the youngest one, is still studying. When he gets his PTPTN loan, he gave most of it to my father to help finance the household. I'm so, so proud of you guys. 

So when someone, especially family members from the extended side, come to my mother asking why are we insufficient on cash when each of us are working, it breaks me. Because they don't and will never understand the plight that we are in, that each of us are in. I'm no fan of Rita Rudaini, the Malaysian actress who is fighting for nafkah for her kids since her divorce with the nation's footballer, but I agree completely when she said that "Hanya orang yang mempunyai anak saja yang tahu dan faham tentang perbelanjaan anak-anak." Or in other words, you gotta step into one's shoe to fully understand what they're going through and why they're doing what they do. 

I'm so proud of you, my brothers. We've gone a long, longgg way. I believe this is a test to prepare us for something bigger :) Nothing is ever a concidence, kan? 

I love you guys a whole lot. 

3 guys and 1 hot lady

Good-looking fellas at the recent maulid in DBP, Kuching

Lastly, 

on forgiveness

Somebody tweeted this and it immediately reminded me of you. 

Yes, this is for you. 

Like it's nothing. Kan?

Sometimes when I read, I come across words that inspire me and make me think about life. Like how pain is temporary, or like how time heals all wounds, or like sunshine comes after the rain, yada yada. I've also come across this one point that is so true but I find so hard to swallow. 

Forgive people as how you would want God to forgive you. That person might have wronged you but you have wronged God in so many other ways and yet He still forgives you again and again. 

Truth is, I don't know if I have forgiven you. I guess I haven't. It will take time, surely. I still remember how

you said that I often end up with bad guys and you're one of them, that I deserve better. So cliche like that, kan? Maybe la. Maybe I'm just not that lucky. Or maybe it's because of something I did in the past, I don't know. But I am sure that there is a reason for every meet and every parting. 

And I think the reason we met was so that I could taste a little bit of happiness even if it was only temporary. And I guess the reason we parted was so that I know what happens if we depend our happiness so much on something other than our Creator.  

Allahu allam. 

I keep reminding myself, and those close to me, to always find the good in everything. Find the hikmah. It makes you more thankful.

Like the verse from Surah Al-Sharh, 'Verily, with hardship comes ease.'  

I used to think that what the verse means is that AFTER the hardship, there will be ease. Thing is, it is not AFTER, it is WITH hardship comes ease. This means that, when Allah tests us with hardships, He doesn't make the entire situation hard for you. There will be ease or good in some ways. Which makes perfect sense. 

Otherwise, I wouldn't have embarked on this beautiful journey of faith, alhamdulillah. 

I'm still learning. I have an awful lot to learn, but I'm enjoying it. It's just that sometimes it feels like a roller-coaster ride. One day I'm in high spirits, the next, I'll be feeling blue. Keep reminding myself these days to recharge and recharge and RECHARGE. Hehe. 

Recharge and absorb.

And put them into action. 

Allah loves us, no matter how much we have sinned. 

And I hope I could find enough courage to forgive. 

This journey is a tough journey, and the heart has to be revived again and again to make it to the end 

Shaykh Hamza Yusuf

with every difficulty there is ease

Dear brothers,

Trying time it is now. But just hold on. Each of us is promised of His sustenance, so as long as we work for it. I'm working on it, everybody's working on it. I know it's easy to despair in times like this but know that He would not make us go through this if He knows that we can't do it. 

"On no soul doth Allah place a burden greater than it can bear" 

(Al-Baqarah 2:286)

I'd be lying if I were to say that I never feel like giving up. I do, of course I do. I do have those moments. And it doesn't help when you've (still) got peer pressure around you to act or live the way they want you live. I hope you get what I mean. I know it must be harder on you around your friends too, sometimes (or most of the time). But you and I, we can't give up. You just can't surrender to things that are volatile.

The things that you want, you know I wish so many times that you didn't have to ask for them. So many times, I wish they come easy. But I guess, when you have them easily, you won't learn the value of the important things. For example, your health, you see how Papa is healthier now compared to when he was working his bums off in the office? Value of time, remember that time when we had the cafe and no one had time for each other? Everyday was spent manning the cafe, from the wee hours of the morning right up to midnight. I remember what baby brother used to tell me. "Na, I want continue college in XXX so that I can be close to Mak and Papa". The cafe was in the vicinity of the college. I mean how sad is that? Not to have those comfort at home. Those and a lot of other things.

 Something great is gonna come out of all this mess, trust me. Have faith in Him. These things, they make you learn and appreciate. Imagine having all the money in the world, but your family disrespect you. Or having all that, but during Raya you don't get to see your Dad because he needs to spend the day with his business partners. These are true stories and I don't want all that.

We didn't celebrate Raya together last year. This Raya, I hope that'll change.  

"Verily, with every difficulty there is ease."
surah Al-Sharh

superhero

The joy of being an only daughter 

XD

Do you know that the Chinese believe that daughters are their father's girlfriend from a previous life? That is why daughters tend to be closer to their dads than they are to their mothers. 

When I was a teenager, I was closer to my father because we could talk about a lot of things. Papa built his success from scratch and he gave a lot of advice on how to study and he even shared his experiences of studying one of the toughest subject of all time - law. Can't believe he actually recorded his own voice of narrating the Acts and played them back so he could memorize them faster o_O

And because it makes me happy to see my father happy, my only goal growing up was to excel in my studies, which went along fine until I went to the university - but thank God I survived :P

Honestly, I owe everything to Allah and my parents's blessings. 

One thing I notice about my father throughout the years was how he reacted towards his ups and downs. I know, I have been writing a little bit about it in some of my entries.  Thing is, doesn't matter whether he has the money or not, one thing that remains constant until now, is how humble he is. What varies is how people react towards him when he was at the pinnacle of success and when he was at the lowest point of his life. The things people do (or don't do) when they are in need (or not) *sigh*

Talking about success, the other day, I was having dinner with some well-to-do families, and all they talk about were cars, wealth and businesses. We were also seated with the less fortunate and it saddened me to see them all out in trying to impress the rich ones. That is so wrong. I know it happens a lot in the society as well. Sometimes these crazy fascination with the wonders of the world makes me sick.

Moving on to a lighter note, I hope I will one day find a man who has similar characteristic as my father, humble, kind and responsible. Not many men possess those qualities nowadays. My friend from my hometown kept on asking me to go back to Kuching for good and get a local man to get married to. Geez, I don't think there are anymore available bachelors in Kuching, hahaha. The good ones are already taken! Anyways, I am seriously considering going back to Kuching, maybe in the next 2 years. I keep saying that, I know :P Just hope the rezeki comes in a bit earlier ya? I miss spending time with my family, watching them grow old and grow up. 

Lastly, Happy Father's Day to all daddies out there!
Be a good example and be there as much as you can for your children because it does make a lot of difference of how they perceive the idea of a father figure. And if you ever (God forbid) decide that it doesn't work out with your spouse, please DO NOT plant all kinds of negative perception into your kids's mind just so they won't ask around for their mom/dad. They have the right to the truth. 

Alright now, adios!


Find beauty in everything. Helps cleanse your heart.

2011 - a heart full of love :)

I am finally back home! Yippee! Arrived at home at approximately 7-ish pm on 31st Dec. Could not describe the feeling that I am finally in the comfort of my own small but comfy apartment. I guess it's true when they say that no matter where you go, there is definitely no place like home. 


I recall one night on the way walking alone towards Mongkok, I stopped by 7E to get something to drink. There were lots of weird drinks which I would have loved to try, but instead I took Coke. Right away, I realise that no matter how amazing the place you may be at, no matter how fascinating your life may be at any point of your life, you will need something or someone who/which you are comfortable with to keep you grounded and always remind you of who you really are. 


Which is why I am now missing my girlfriends so much. They bring the best out of you (even when you're at your worst), they cheer and cry, forgive and accept, hugs and warms you up when the world is cold. And oh boy, the world can really be cold, if you know what I mean. 


2010 was quite a bumpy ride (read my blog u'll see what I mean) but fortunately it ended up nicely. I plan to leave the past behind, which means, no more mourning, to take a fresh start to a great new year and continue to complete my resolutions which I had prepared early 2010. Have completed 2 out of 4 :P But then again, I couldn't quite say that they were completed entirely because some are never-ending processes (i.e saving up for future). If leaving 2010 was an option to decide, I would be gladly giving it away, and I was also glad I kick-started 2011 with a nice date :) (you decide if it's a noun or a verb :D ) 


So, here's to 2011 with happy children, compassionate hearts, achieving goals and dreams, more realistic decisions, happiness + health + wealth, and most importantly, a heart full of LOVE :) Cheers!

Boohoo

Hates it when I get sad in a foreign land and I don't have my darlings with me.

I'll be okay

In the midst of getting lucky, yeah, what with having the chance to go Disney (my dream since I was a child!), having to experience the winter season (albeit no snow), having to be in the place where sale is everywhere, cosmetics/perfumes are damn cheap(!), it all had a downside.

That I have no one to share it with.

So yeah. Sad (damn the tears are trickling). I mean I really felt alone.

I was out with my colleagues a while ago checking out some perfumes and I came accross Arden's Green Tea which my bestfriend, Azida loves, and I was telling them that I plan to give it to her. So Colleague A said, "Ko ade bestfriend ke?" Like, what did that mean?

And then, while walking home (or hotel, rather), I told them that I wanted to get the IDD card for me to call home. So the same colleague enquired, "Ko nak call sape??" Again, what did that mean?

Like, don't I look like I have friends/family/loved ones? Just because I rarely speak of my family or feelings doesn't mean I don't have any.  

The other day in the office, the rest of my 4-member projects team were talking about their family members who came/are coming to visit them in HK. Being the usual quiet (hiks..) one in the office, I wasn't involved in the conversation but I was listening in :P

So the question was raised to me, "Who's visiting you in HK?" I was a bit taken aback but answered anyway. But at the same time, I was thinking, "Like come on, you don't have to ask me that knowing very well there isn't anyone coming here. Like WTH."

It's not like I want or don't want anyone to come. Probably I've been afar from my family for so long that it felt like just another normal trip, and my family were literally just accross the sea. I call it independent :P

I don't mind much, really, but I hate it when people make it a big deal.

And yes, I keep most of my feelings to myself because I have problems with trust issues.

Alrite, that's about it. Still have some other things to jot down but saving them for my next posts.

XOXO

Emotional

For about a month now I've been trying to keep my heart numb. To have no feelings at all. Physically there, mind only on the subject matter in front of my eyes, or the subject matter for the week, for example, the projects. Still, this does not include the freaking workload that always seem to be building up, no matter how hard you work to get them finish on time (or before time for that matter), no matter how many projects/process improvements you have just to make you do your work faster or more efficient. SIGH MAN SIGH! Sometimes I wonder have I made the wrong decision after all? I mean, people actually tried to pull me out of the sinking sand but I keep on saying to myself that it WILL eventually stop sinking. At times, I think I've lost my mind. Aaahh.. 

To top it all up, NO Raya leaves this year.I did apply, and got a measly 3 days! No extension because apparently those who does NOT celebrate Raya decides to take this amazing opportunity to take their own vacation/time offs doing personal things. WTH? I am definitely gonna do something about this next year, oh yes I will.


My exact feelings are simplified into the below 2 descriptions :
1) A little hamster running in a wheel in its cage. Running round and round, never getting to its destination.
2) A piece of wet cloth being squeezed until dry... andddd still being squeezed again and againnnnnn...

So, it's now 2 days to Raya and of course, there will be bombards of questions like, "Bila balik Raya?" or "Tak balik Raya ke?" and "Kenapa tak balik?" (tapi memang dah ada questions tu semua). I dread those questions, really. It is so sad. I know they mean well but you know, it's sad laaaa.. 


Last night while I was all ready to snore, I was suddenly hit with a pang of just missing my family so much. So I .. cried teresak-esak.. Waaa.. long time didnt cry like that leh.. I had sore eyes the next day. But I think part of what I've been hiding under the numb exterior for the past weeks has been released a bit.

Today my Mak, Papa and my youngest brother headed their way back to kampung in Sibu. It has been years since I went back too and I really wanted to meet my relatives, anak-anak buah, cousins, pakciks, makciks, nenek, datuk.. I miss them so much.. Hmm, earlier I was listening to Aman Shah's 'Kepulangan Yang Dinanti' and again, aku cuba mengeraskan hati from menangis dan meronta-ronta.. Haha.. (ketawa kesedihan sebenarnya). 

Tomorrow there will be less people at work, which means double/triple workloads.  I just want to finish work and get home as fast as possible. I wanna be numb until Raya is over. I don't want to think about Raya and the feelings that go with it.


Now I'm thinking of settling down in Kuching, for good. To have eternal fulfillment and content alongside my family. I believe that is best solution. I hope Allah will show and guide me the path. Amen.

Anyways,

Selamat Hari Raya. Maaf zahir and batin. 

Much love.

Down and under

Not gonna be okay for quite a while I think.I need a lot of distractions so I can get my mind of things.It feels so hollow and much to my dismay, those freaking tears got their goddamned way after all.I hate this feeling, I do.The exact feeling I felt a decade ago, it's like someone dug a hole in your heart and there just isn't anything there anymore.Hating this feeling.Damn.

I need to pray a lot harder

Have you ever felt that you needed to let out everything you've got in your head BUT you just can't 'cos whatever you say will not change anything 'cos favourites will always be favourites, lies will always be lies, things like that u know?

Hmm.. these few weeks have been depressing weeks for me.Emanating mostly from work.I always wonder is this the right job for me? The question alone might be a pathetic question 'cos I should've thought of that when I applied in the first place right? Like, er, 5 years ago? The thing is, yes, things have been good, if not better since then and like everyone (especially my boyfriend) say, you're getting all the best things, why is there a doubt? Or even a prickle of thought of moving to a second job? Am I not thankful enough?

Again, becos lies will always be lies, favourites will always be favourites, things I say will most probably be 'unpolitically correct', I guess I'll pass la. Like always. Hmm.