Wednesday, May 22, 2013

what i want #1 - a big and close-knit family

One of my best friends told me to first know what I want, then act and focus on what I have decided. You know, after the whole fiasco. It never crossed my mind, honestly. Because, I guess, being compassionate and all, I would put others first before myself and I kept on telling myself that they would change, someday. This turned out to be one of the red flag in my previous relationship.

So what I am gonna do now is jot down what I want for myself in the future. So whenever I think and decide what I want, I'm gonna jot them down in my blog, as and when. This will act as a reminder for me to understand myself and why I choose them in the first place. 

The first thing that I want for myself in the future is to have a big and close-knit family of myself and my future spouse. 

The other day, a friend and I were talking about our families. He is of a mixed parentage of Eurasian, Indian, Chinese,  Portuguese and yada-yada I've lost count. And because of this many mixes of cultures, he has a huge extended family and they would always gather at an aunt's house for festivities or just because, have some makan-makan session and just chill. That is super cool! Imagine hanging out in the huge living room with families of different cultures and just spend the afternoon together. So many stories to share, I tell you. Exciting, don't you think? Well, I hope my future family in law will be a cool family to call them my own :P

I shall continue on what I want in the next entry :)

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

love with all the little imperfections

I used to have a Friendster account and a while ago I tried logging into it and I succeeded! Whoaa.. after so many years of not visiting, the whole layout looks completely different. If you don't know what Frienster is, well, you are wayyyy younger than I am, adik-adik :P  It's a social media platform very similiar to Facebook, but to me, a little less fascinating than Facebook.

One extra thing that it has over Facebook is that it also provides a platform for its users to blog to their hearts's content. Yes, I was one of the avid bloggers using that platform, and yes, I loveeee writing since wayyy before. I tried searching for my blog entries just now but I couldn't find them anywhere. So I googled them up and was a tad disappointed to find out that Friendster has deleted all profiles, pictures, blogs, everything! Boooo!

I remember that the blog was about everything I had gone through during my days in the university in Penang. So much of good and bad memories. Some are even of our badass lecturers who just couldn't leave us alone ;) Most of my entries were of the friendship that I had built with my housemates, all the 6 (i think) of us. The crazy stuff we did (yes, we were seriously crazy). Imagine this. Back then, 5-6 of us were renting a 2-bedroom flat, top floor (of a 5-storey apartment) and we love to share stories (a.k.a talk) and laugh like hyenas (seriously!). AND, our laughter can be heard by the people downstairs! From the 5th floor! Hahahaha. That was how crazy we could get. Mind you, that is just the tip of the iceberg okay?

I still keep in touch with these friends. In fact, I make it a point to visit Penang every year. Penang is like my second home. Okay, third home, after KL. And these friends, they played a big part of who I am today. Each of us has grew in our own beautiful ways and are each strong, independent woman.

Missing Salina in this photo

Stripes Day!

Just realized that I've started this entry with words of Friendster and then this. Well, those were the days where my life was made out of these 2 components. And, my point is that I love blogging. My blog is like my  sanctuary, just me, my world, what I feel, what I want, my fear, my dream. It's like my diary. I could say that it is like an extension of the hardcopy diaries I used to have when I was a teenager. Hahahaha. I still keep them, you know. I'm sentimental like that :P

I should blog more often, actually. Sometimes I have a lot of ideas, it's just that sometimes I am too lazy to put them into words and make up sentences. I'll try to blog as often as I can anyways.

Alright, gotta catch some beauty sleep, which I have been lacking of. Adios everyone. 

Good night to all of you who love with all the little imperfections. 

Monday, May 13, 2013

take care

I think I've gone past the mad stage. All I'm feeling right now is scared. Because I have felt what it was like to be rejected by him. It is so painful, and I guess I'm still traumatized. I want to talk to you, but I don't have the courage.

And I still remember the times when he told me not to be scared of him.

"Don't be scared. If there's anything, just let me know"

And there's this other thing.

When I was in Hong Kong for work and was stressed out due to a recurring problem by an ex-boyfriend, what he said to me was,

"Don't worry. I'll take care of you. "


Friday, May 10, 2013

everything's going to be alright

There are times when you just want to reminisce the good memories and actually pray that the bad news is actually a bad dream you had which you haven't recovered from. But I know that this is not a bad dream. It's real. It's real because until today, I would be suddenly awakened an hour or hours before my scheduled wake up time, rolling on the bed until it's time for work.

That is an improvement, actually. Initially, I couldn't sleep at night. Or if I (managed) to asleep, I would just get about an hour's sleep and that's it. I've lost weight, which is good, but I've lost my appetite as well. I think  what happened is that, I've lost myself.

I've lost myself, but I haven't lost my iman. Of course, there were several occasions where my iman has been tested. I guess I can thank my girlfriends and family for just being there and being very understanding towards my situation.

I have been searching for answers to this whole fiasco, but the more I probe, the more he pushes me away. I hope he understands that I am trying to make sense of what is really happening, so I can get a clear picture of where everything went wrong and how or what do we do from here.

Honestly, I am happy with him. This is pretty evident in some of my previous blog posts. Maybe that's why when these things happen, I get destructive, to the point that I took up jogging just to make my body tired, so that I can sleep at night (which didn't happen). On one occasion after work, I was feeling so rejected that I didn't want to go home and feel the hollow and the loneliness. Right there and then, I decided to seek some warmth and love (and sanity). I called up my aunt in Shah Alam and asked for a home-cooked meal. She prepared ikan goreng, chicken curry and stir-fried vegetables in just less than an hour after my call. That was one of the best dinner I've had in the longest time. And her advice to me was 'It's okay. Everything is going to be alright.'

This, coming from a single mum. The same woman whom I never saw shed a tear all my life, until she sent off her son to the National Service camp in another part of the country.

Right now, I'm still gathering my strength. I'm still waking up in the middle of the night, still telling myself each and everyday that there is a reason behind this and to be strong.

Thing is, when you've gone through hell and back, you're never really quite the same.