Allah is "crafting" you

I was in the shower last night when out of the blue, I broke down and cried. Thing is, this whole week I’ve been having some sort of anxiety attack. There’s too much going on in my mind – let’s just leave this part out. So in the shower itself, I made a duaa. Well, an absurd place to make a duaa but I did anyway. I prayed for a guidance and explanation.

Then, I resumed doing my assigned task – the thesis. At one of point of time, I couldn’t get any more ideas to flow from my brain so I turned to Twitter for some distraction. Ha, some place to gather ideas kan? There, someone was asking Aida Azlin if she has any podcast for her talks in addition to her Youtube videos, and so she gave 2 links. I clicked both links but was more inclined towards the 2^nd link because of the first topic that I saw on the page. 

The topic was ‘Surah Taha: Allah is “Crafting” You. As we know, surah Taha is one of the most beautiful surah in the Quran because one of Prophet Muhammad’s (pbuh) companion, Umar ibn al-Khatab (ra) embraced Islam just by listening to the recitation of Surah Taha recited by his sister. And he was just on his way to kill the Prophet when he heard this recitation, masyaallah. How amazing that a cold heart can turn soft just by listening to the verses of the Quran, and how even more amazing that all of this can only happen by His mercy. Looking at this small fraction of the story, one can easily conclude that when Allah plans something for us, we are actually set to be on a specific role in our life, with a specific and intended purpose. Look at where Umar ranks in Islam and how enormous his role is in spreading this beautiful religion. Of course this was not achieved easily if it weren’t for the challenges that Allah has intended for him since Day 1.

Back to the podcast (haha!), Aida and Mariama started with the story of Prophet Musa a.s walking in the dessert with his family when he saw a fire ahead of them. He then told his family to stay put and that he would investigate what the fire was all about. When he came, Allah spoke to him and the first thing Allah asked Prophet Musa to do is to remove his sandals. Here we see how important adab is while seeking knowledge – or while doing anything else, for that matter. In this podcast, Aida and Mariama have compared 2 similar verses, verse 13 and verse 41, which have same English translation but not exactly the same meaning. Confusing right? But just stay with me.

Verse 13 is translated in English as “And I have chosen you, so listen to what is revealed (to you).” while verse 41 is translated as “And I have selected you for Myself.”. Both carry somewhat the same translation, however for verse 41, Allah has specifically used the word “Tana” which actually translate to “craft” in Arabic. In essense, verse 41 is properly translated to “And I have crafted you for Myself.”

How cool that Allah uses the word ‘craft’ to show Prophet Musa that all the challenges he has gone through, was beautifully molded, so that he can be shaped to be capable to endure such trials? Cool as heck, if you ask me.

Let me quote the beautiful reflection from the ladies now.

“It is telling a Prophet that he has been selected for a task. Allah is telling Musa, his whole life, the series of events he has gone through and all of the different events that led you to this cave with Me right now is all because I was crafting you for this job. The events in our life are not random. They all worked together in some type of way that they are leading us towards our greater purpose and greater goal. Sometimes life makes no sense. You really don’t understand that things are not going according to plan. You need those challenges to grow into someone better. Allah is crafting you and Allah is crafting every single circumstance and situation that He is giving you. Syaitan’s whisper is the loudest when you’re almost reaching that goal.”

Super, super cool. If we think about it, at this point of our lives, we should already be overcoming some hurdles in our lives. If we don’t know any better, those hurdles have subconsciously made us, or crafted us to be better, bolder and more resilient than ever. Otherwise, we won’t be where we are right now. And that is exactly the answer I needed from my duaa in the shower, Alhamdulillah.

The links for the podcast is as below :-

ramadanreminders.tumblr.com

theshawllabel.com/womanup  (where I listened to the reflection on surah Taha)

Til, then, have a good and fulfilled Ramadhan for all Muslims around the world J

By the way, I also write on a new platform now (just 1 post so far haha). Just trying to learn something new (craft myself hehe) and perhaps make myself a better person in the long run in terms of growth. At the moment, it is accessible at https://amyalmohtar.wixsite.com/bestellar if you want to add me to your bloglist. My stories are random but I am trying to write as much as possible like how I used to do over the years. Pray for me, love!

choose happiness!

My first post for 2018, well done Amy! :P 

Okay, I vow to write more blog posts in 2018 Insyaallah. I write more in Instagram though because it is faster that way but this time, what I am about to write is kind of a bit on a personal level, so here we go.

These past few months have been mentally-changing for me. It has been a period where I have been tested on my faith so much so that I needed to do a lot of thinking and self-reflection. Man, I overthink a LOT and honestly, I think I am having anxiety (!). But I really need to thank the Almighty for giving me this ample time to sort things out, to be with my family for the longest time since I left the house to further my studies, and at the same time, still keep myself sane at the end of the day despite being broken inside. Perhaps this is a reminder from Him that I have strayed away too far from Him and a calling to fix my relationship with Him. 

I have not read my Quran consistently in months and I can't remember when I last did my sunat prayers. To go through the struggle was a blessings in disguise.

A couple of days ago, I couldn't do my prayers because I was on my menses so I was a little disheartened because it feels like I couldn't connect to Him to tell Him of my sorrows. See how I underestimated His mercy? It was raining in the evening that day and I remember that one of the best time to make doa, that is more likely to be accepted by Allah, is when it is raining. I leaned back against my bed and prayed that Allah give me guidance on my doubts.

The next morning, I was checking my mail and I received the weekly love letter from Aida Azlin. This week's subject is 'To The Girl Who Hates Me.' 

You can subscribe to the love letters too, here. A part of the letter goes like this :

Like what Aida said, sometimes we tend to take the easier route. For me, it was easier to believe something which was not true and then build all sorts of negative thoughts in my mind, rather than have a good excuse for it and take a positive point of view of the situation. After reading the mail, I instantly remembered what Ustazah Liyana from Singapore said in one of her talks, "Promise yourself that you'll try your best and you'll work hard. Promise yourself that no matter how hard it is, you will always do the right thing." 

Masyallah, Jannah isn't easy. 

Mister have been reminding me again and again that we have to be strong if we want syurga and that it is not easy in the Hereafter. Why do you have to be so far away sayang :'(

This morning I saw this in Ustazah Liyana's Instagram.

Perfect advice kan? To tell you the truth, I just learned this concept when I was dealing with the whole ordeal. That happiness, really is our choice. When we are inflicted with hardship, our automatic reaction will be anger, frustration and blame game, right? All this negative energy is not helping us with anything really. In fact, it makes the situation worse. But we can make the situation better by doing something positive out of it. If it is something that we can change, well, change it. If it is something that we can't change, perhaps we can change something in ourselves that makes the situation a little less painful. We can choose happiness, if we want to, and to always pray for Allah to guide us and always have good thoughts about Him.

This is also something that caught by eye this morning, by a psychology lecturer.

That practically sums up the answer that I was waiting for. 

About dead hearts and how easily people give up on them. You see, I'm one who doesn't give up on people easily. I always make it a point that however bad someone is, there is surely a streak of goodness left in them. And that kindness NEVER goes out of style. How can I forget these things? Alhamdulillah for these reminders I so, soooo needed. 

I'll try my best not to take the easy way out. 

I'll try to always do the right thing, no matter how hard.

I'll try to be the best version of me and give my best effort

And put the rest in Allah's hands

Let me learn my lesson this time.

I

your heart is stronger than you give it credit for

Hello guys! How are you? 

Gosh, it has been more than a year since I last wrote anything here. I miss writing but life just took hold of me a year ago and I found myself pretty much occupied with work most of the time. The days and nights are crazy, weekends too, basically just devoting my life to work. So nowadays I would just upload stuff on my Instagram, which is more convenient :) I miss writing on this blog, I seriously do! Now I've quit that company (yup!) and just landed myself on a new job, doing what I used to do some few years ago but for a slightly demanding client and a more demanding environment. What the cat was I thinking when I took the offer?!? They say be careful of what you wish for kannnn?

Nah, amek kau.

So these days, I'm feeling quite stressed out to the point that I thought of just leaving the corporate world and go migrate to Perth and do something more relaxing, like work in a bookstore, sell something in the morning market or something along the line. I'm not getting any younger so I feel like I should be looking after my health more and feed my soul more with good things. So, while we are at it, if you are someone who lives in Perth and looking for someone to look after your bookstore yada yada, please hire me! :P (not kidding)

On my way to work every morning, I would be caught up in the deadly PJ traffic, so I would have some time to check out my Facebook in the car. One morning, I stumbled upon a video by Aida Azlin talking about heartbreaks. No, I'm not heartbroken or anything like that but the points that she was talking about in the video was so good. Ok, I'll share some bits and pieces of them here:

1. There's no shortcuts to healing but we can all try to cope with the pain. 

Some of us just numb and suppress this feeling, some of us cry to sleep, some of us throw ourselves to our work to keep ourselves busy, whatever coping mechanism that we choose, know that it will only take your mind off your real feeling just for a while. It doesn't deal with the feeling that you have. The only way to deal with the pain is to write it out, and give it time. 

2. Please help yourself to heal.

Your heart is stronger than you give it credit for. While you are still hurting, your heart is already preparing itself to heal, to forgive, to move on. But if we are still picking on our scabs, i.e keep on revisiting old memories, or when we insist to hold on to things or people who are already left, we are being our own obstacle to our own healing. 

3. Use that energy to be creative.

All this feeling that you have right now because of the heartbreak is a form of energy. Use that energy, in a productive way. Don't use it to scheme for revenge etc. Use the energy to be creative. Write it out, paint it out, go run a marathon, climb a mountain. Just use that intense energy to benefit you. Use it to grow into a much wiser, stronger, better you. Like a version 2.0. Look at what Adele did. She made a whole album about her heartbreak and it won her 6 Grammys and made her lots of money. 

Such wonderful advice, right? Since then, I have been utilizing the hours in the morning traffic listening to her videos and that helped me to be more motivated and inspired to start work. Come to think of it, I think this is the answer that I was asking Allah for when I just couldn't take the work stress any longer some time back. And amazingly, most of the times kan, I would ask Him specific question like, is it really my fault or am I being too sensitive? The next thing I know, I get the answers through Aida's video, talking about the exact same thing :)

You are truly all-Hearing, all-Seeing and the Most Compassionate

So guys, if you love these stuff, head over to Facebook or Youtube and search for Aida Azlin. She does amazing videos and she writes about her reflection on life through weekly love letters.

Til then, see you when I see you. Take care and please pray that Allah will make it easy for me in my work and everything else in between. I hope to write more soon, insyallah :)

He says YES

Sometime last week, we had visitors from the Philippines at the mosque. They were given a guided tour of the mosque by Brother X.  I tagged along to assist. After showing them how to do ablution (wudhu'), Brother X explained a little bit more about why we need to do ablution before praying. I couldn't remember how exactly the question was from the visitor but it goes along the line of, can you talk to God? So Brother X said of course, and He even answers our doa in 3 ways. 

Number 1 - He says YES and then you get what you prayed for

Number 2 - He says YES and gives you what you prayed for, a bit later

Number 3 - He says 'I have something better in store for you.'

Brother X continued, "Sometimes God doesn't give you what you want because He knows that if you get what you prayed for, you will forget about Him. For example, you prayed for career success. He knows that if you get the career you wanted, you would have no time to do your prayer on time, or you neglect your prayers completely."

I listened attentively and reflected about my past life. My jahiliyah days, so they call it. And true enough, I did pray to have something I wanted so much. And when I finally get it, I neglected Him. I did things He wasn't pleased with. Looking back on those awful times, I just pray that He will forgive me and accept my repentance. 

I remember seeing a video about one of Allah's nature is that He is the Most Forgiving. So in this particular video, in a land full of humans (it is actually padang masyar where we will be resurrected one day) there is a human talking to God, answering to all of his sins and asking Allah to forgive him. But when it came to confessing about this particular big sin, Allah made sort of like a curtain surrounding that human, so that no one else can hear about that sin that the human is talking about. It was like the sin was erased completely on his book of sins/deeds and the only one who knows about it is Him. That is how merciful and forgiving He is.

Anyway, back to Number 3, Brother X explained that sometimes we don't get what we want because He has something better in store for us. Like our health. One of His favors which we always take for granted. I've had good health since I was young. Occasional fevers and stress-induced migraines but other than that, everything else is ok. 2 weeks ago, I have been diagnosed with something . I had to go for several blood and urine tests, going in and out of clinics and hospitals just to get it confirmed and probably fixed. It couldn't be fixed, but it can be controlled. So I am currently under medication until forever, I guess. There you go for not really taking care of myself. 

After listening to Brother X's explanation, I had tears welling up in my eyes. Sometimes kan, Allah really sends certain people in our lives to deliver certain messages or to protect us from harm. And for this masjid tour, I really believed that some visitors are just meant for the correct tour guides themselves. I wouldn't know what to answer to some of the more challenging questions from the visitors. 

Another thing I've learnt is that most of the times, things like charity and volunteering, people usually and generally think that we are helping others out. But what they don't know is that sometimes, we are actually helping ourselves to find our inner peace and to fix our relationship with God. 

I guess that IS the whole idea. 

long night drives

There is something about long night drives that take the stress away. And it has been like that for me for years. I remember years ago when I was in staying in Seri Kembangan, nearly every Sunday night, I would go out of my house just to cruise around SK area, sometimes to get myself a cone of McD's ice-cream, sometimes just to drive around. But the feeling is such a serene feeling, made my sleeps better. Then I moved to Damansara, which is a pretty congested area even on weekdays. So I couldn't really continue my love for night drives because the traffic jams would make me even more stress! 

Sometime last year I moved to somewhere as peaceful as how Seri Kembangan was and I regained access to long drives again, woohoo! I actually just got back from grocery-shopping at Tesco to just get some fresh milk, juices and some woman-ly stuff :P And also to drive after a whole day at home. And uh, to get some McD's ice-cream and apple pie which I have been craving for months. Oh, by the way, next to where I stay, there is this big lake that is beside the main road, so am really, really loving this place.

After graduating my weekend classes (alhamdulillah!), now I have more ample time for myself to do what I like during the weekends, and for a few weeks now after the graduation, I kept thinking on what to do on weekends! Feels so weird :P 

I thought of taking up more physical kinda classes, like Aikido, for example. I used to take Tae-kwon-do lessons when I was in high school and I love it. I love the teamwork, the teachers, my team, the classes, everything. Sometimes we get invited to perform for some of the state's sports event like the launching of Rakan Muda (yeah, remember that?), and I love the ambiance of it all, the sweats, the rehearsals, the pride of wearing the Tae-kwon-do attire while carrying the national flags. Gosh, I miss those times and I miss having such a passion for something that I love, I miss being around those who have the same level of passion that I do, if not more. 

I have a few classes I really want to join this year to challenge my fitness level a little bit. Hehe.
How about you? Anything you haven't done that you really, really wanna do this year? 

be with those beyond our years

A dear sister, Kak M, went to Yemen Ramadhan last year and spent the entire Ramadhan and a few days of Eid there. She went to Tareem, specifically. 

Tareem is a town in Hadhramaut, Yemen, whose important focus is in Islamic learning and has been a place where many Islamic scholars are produced. When she  got back from Yemen and shared her experience there, we were all listening in awe and amazement. According to her, the people of Tareem are one of the nicest, kindest, the most humble people on earth, possibly the only people alive now resembling those who have lived the life of the people during the prophethood of Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. They are living the sunnah everyday in their daily lives, activities, in their speech. One of the things I remember from what she shared was that the women in Tareem are treated like a queen, that you don't have to go out to buy groceries and stuff. Your groceries will go to your door and you just have to pick what you want. I would want that (I think, to a certain level). When Kak M got back to Malaysia, she shared a beautiful poem about Tareem. which I will share here maybe in my next post, because Tareem is not what I'm gonna talk about in this post but see how far I have gone on the introduction(!). Lol. 

Anyway, Kak M also shared, that in Tareem, when you go to visit other people's house especially those older than you, you are expected to share some stories with them. Not a gossip session, mind you :) Something like a sharing session about the Quran, or about any knowledge that you have, and then, they will share their knowledge too and there will be some serious discussion on the topic, while giving or getting a massage or something like that. That is what I want to write about. The sharing session. That was what Kak M pointed out to us in usrah that day, that to gain knowledge, be around the circles of those who are way beyond your age, so that you can find benefit in what they talk about. 

Thing is, I'm never one who chats a lot, especially with the elderly because to me, they always seem to portray that they are always right. They're not, really! So when I got the chance to sit and chat with them for the past few weeks (and today, too), it has given me a rather different perspective about life.

 Brother X is my mentor for one of my volunteering activities. He frequents the masjid for congregational prayers, sits in classes for Arabic, hadith, basically Islamic knowledge despite his old age, takes responsibility of his duties seriously. When he has free time in his hands, he will start discussing about the deen or about his travel experience with all of us in the room. A few weeks ago, he shared some of his experience during his Jahiliyah days much to my surprise, because he is quite a private person. There are a few key take-aways that I've noted for my reference from that session, but the one with the biggest impact on myself has got to be seeing Allah's great mercy for him to get from a low place of jahil to where he is now. A better person who contributes so much to the society. He also related about this one incident while doing his umrah (when he was still in his Jahiliyah days), there were a lot of issues  that he has encountered, from his visa, to his delayed flights, to his (miscommunicated) hotel bookings. But the best thing was that when he finally got his hotel room issue sorted out after a long, tiring day, and then walked into the room, the view from his room was of the beautiful clock tower and the magnificent Kaabah! No matter how much we've done wrong in our life, Allah pasti akan bagi some rahmah to us. Nampak atau tak je, sebenarnya. Not that we go to Mekah to just see these man-made beauty of course.. we've got bigger plans! Hehe

Aunty B, was married to an Italian and was living abroad for quite sometime. She got a divorce (alhamdulillah, she said) after some 20 something years and got back to Malaysia because she wanted to become a practicing Muslim. It was very hard, she said, to live a Muslim life abroad when those close to you are not practicing the deen. When she got back, she bought a house nearby a masjid on purpose, so that she can't find any excuse not to pray in the masjid. She is a very humble lady, kind and has a very positive outlook on life. She now takes in a Syrian kid in her home while he studies in KL. 

These people just amaze me. And now I am still finding ways on how I can make an impact to others like how they did. I'm still learning, too. And being patient, really is a great virtue. While driving home today, I was thinking, how much of my life is spent towards the worldly life and how much of it do I spend towards the akhirah? And I must say, I'm ashamed of myself :(  Yesterday, I attended a talk on the life and geniuses of the 2 companions, Umar al-Khatab and Abu Bakar as-Siddiq and I learn that everyday, we are only using 40% of our capacity. I thought to myself, at 40% capacity of my daily life, I feel that I have exceeded doing what I need to do for the day because I was draining out of energy so much.

And that's just using 40%. Imagine if I were to really use 100% of my capacity. I can do so much more at work. But how do I do that without draining energy so much? Time management, the speaker said. Which I am sooo bad at. 

Let's put that in my 2016 resolution. I want to be a better me. I want to love myself more and marvel at the world more. I want to step it up on making that impact and make more plans into actions. God willing! 

before i call it a night

A few days ago, sister Arina shared this status on her Facebook.

"Whatever happens, Allah first. He then will send His help through the people around us, things, ideas, inspiration, knowledge, situation etc.

And no such thing as "coincidence".

Trust and have faith in Him

"And your Lord says, "Call upon Me; I will respond to you" (Ghafir 40:60)

Masyallah, those words stuck with me until today because no 1, alhamdulillah I've experienced them myself, and no 2, I agree totally that there is no such thing as coincidence. They're all parts of His divine wisdom. Whatever that happens in your life, there is a wisdom behind it, which may come later in life :) Insyallah.

Anyways, I have been praying for this one thing in my life which to me, seemed a bit far-fetched to be made real. At least not this soon. A few days ago, I made a more specific doa just to be granted this one thing. And alhamdulillah, today morning, I got a call, and it seems to be a start to getting my doa fulfilled. Alhamdulillah... I can't thank Him enough :')

And.. an hour ago, a good girlfriend of mine, messaged me out of the blue asking me if I could refer any religious class to her.. because she wants to start her hijrah :') Nangessss. It always gives me goosebumps (good goosebumps, btw) whenever anyone I know, decide to live a better, more meaningful life :) She says, she intends to don a hijab too, one day :) Ameen to all of her doa, and I believe Allah will ease her journey insyaAllah. 

Sometimes I think I take things for granted too much. He grants His servants's doa in a blink of an eye.. but I still solat kat hujung-hujung waktu.. :( I'll make effort to be better, insyallah..  

Hey, is that rain I hear? After many weeks of haze, it finally rains, alhamdulillah. Hopefully it will clear the haze. Good night all, and always have faith :)

  

mirror, mirror

"Ko tau kan beb, aku rasa kan, memang Allah memang nak bagi the best person untuk kita," she started the conversation.

. 

I raised my eyebrows, encouraging her to elaborate.

"Aku tengok aku yang dulu, and the person I'm with dulu, sebenarnya we mirror each other." 

Interesting point, I thought. 

She continued, "And lepas berhijrah, relationship first aku lepas tu, is dengan 'A', which is I think the best person.. sebab dia semuanya baik for me. Agama pun ok. First time dating kat masjid."

I asked her, "Sape yang ajak dating kat masjid?"

"Dia yang ajak." She answered smiling, and continued, "Tu lah kan, dia sebenarnya baik. Perfect. Cuma, dia MIA je lepas tu."

I've never met 'A' but I've seen his photo and heard about their story. They were match-made by mutual friends. Nice-looking decent guy, perfect for this friend of mine. Kalau dah jodoh, ada lah tu nanti, I consoled her. 

But really, interesting point kan. The better we become, the better person (spouse) Allah gives us, masyaAllah. He is Maha Penyayang indeed. So, what we thought was the best for us, actually Allah takes them away because He wants to give someone better because who knows us better than the One who created us :') We shall be blessed with a spouse mirroring ourselves, insyaAllah. This reminded me of the infamous Justin Timberlake song, Mirror, which actually was one of my 'consoling' song when I was going through my break-up. I used it to console myself, telling myself that I'm better than this and that my other half should also reflect the best part of me. 

Your other half shouldn't complete you, because essentially you are a whole by yourself. Your other half should complement you. Yes, like a mirror, you reflect upon each other, and that is where you see each other's strengths and weaknesses. You see them in your spouse. That is where you kind of do your own tweaking, adapting, accepting and you know, just loving everything about each other, even the not-so-nice stuffs. 

Have you found your mirror?

kerana yang indah itu ada pada hati yang bersyukur

A quick one before I start the weekend chores and all. 

Last Saturday I gave a surprise small birthday celebration to one of my bestfriend. Her birthday is not due til a few days later but what more surprising than to have it in advance kan?

Normally on Saturdays, we will have our lunch and Zuhur together at the masjid before starting our classes. So this time around, I specifically suggested 'nak makan kat tempat yang ada kek'. Lol. She had no idea. 

Since time was a bit limited for a special lunch, so we had early dinner instead and settled with Plan B at Publika. After ordering and choosing the kinda over-rated 'Red Velvet' as our dessert (lo and behold, I have  finally found the BEST Red Velvet cake EVER), I presented her with a card with just her name on it. She was surprised and kept on asking, "Eh Amy, wedding invitation ke ape ni? Tak bagitau punnnn." 

There I was already all smiling and goofy. 

Right when she opened the card, I handed her the paperbag in which I've put her birthday present. She took it calmly and just when she was about to retrieve the gift, in the background, the song 'Happy Birthday' was being played. We both stared at each other and I said, 'No, I didn't ask them to do that.'

LOL. I swear!

And since both of us are exceptionally shy, we just shrugged it off, telling ourselves that the song was for someone else in the restaurant (in the end, actually it was for her, the waiters/waitresses were grinning from ear to ear looking at us, haha).  

I thank God immensely for putting her in my life, for helping me get back to the deen and most importantly, for never giving up on me. She was one of the very few people I messaged early in the morning one day, telling that I'm going to wear hijab for the very first time in public that day, and that feeling, you know, priceless. No words to describe. Same goes to our friendship, no words to sum it all up. Because when you do it for the sake of the Lord of the worlds, only you know how much any gesture, any decision, any feeling means, especially when it causes a stir in your heart, knowing how much love you have for Him, that includes all of His creations, and how much MORE love He has for you. 

Have a good weekend, folks!

epitome of happiness

A friend shared this yesterday and how this described a portion of my past so perfectly. 

Love makes us... a lot of things. It can make us better or worse. Love is also so vulnerable that someone can get inside of us and messes us up so bad. 

Such delicate hearts we have. 

This reminded me of something the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w said.

"Surely, the heart of the son of Adam turns over and over more than a pot of boiling water."

We have changes of heart every single minute. One minute we're feeling super determined, the next minute we're feeling down, for He is the Turner of our hearts. 

Prof Muhaya reminds us all the time, "Hati kita berada dalam genggaman Allah." 

Whatever wordly things that we are trying to chase, a big house, a great career, getting that perfect spouse, a grand wedding, all of those will never make us happy eternally if our hearts are not with our Creator. 

Most of us think that happiness lies in finally getting married, for example. It is not. These are all just tools to bring us closer to Him. Subhanallah, how great is He.

There's a hadith that describes our heart so perfectly.

"There is in the body a clump of flesh - if it becomes good, the whole body becomes good, and if it becomes bad, the whole body becomes bad. And indeed, it is the heart. "

I'm thankful for the people that Allah sent on my path to bring me back to the deen, the feel the beauty of His love in everything and every person and to teach me that whatever that He has destined for me is actually molding myself, my heart to be the kind of people He is pleased with, insyaAllah.

keep the faith

Have you ever wanted and prayed for something so so bad? You think you've done everything there is to do just to get that one thing, only to be disappointed in the end. 

When I was in my previous job, work was everything to me. Stayed long hours for months, did projects and migration, managed people, streamlining processes yada2. I loved what I was doing because I have wonderful colleagues , the pay was good and I knew I was doing an amazing job. 5 years at the company, attended 3 interviews for promotions which had 95% chance of me getting promoted based on my capabilities, only to find out that "Your interview was exceptionally good but we had to promote the senior one first."

You know, that kind of disappointment?

This time, I am going through the same, except that this time it's not about work. It is about life. You know, sometimes, we think we have done everything to get what we want. But when we don't get what we pray for straightaway, we start to blame God on it. I don't blame God, though, I am blaming myself and looking for what is it I have done or haven't, so I can finally get what I want. But I was having doubts about His promises. That shouldn't happen, I shouldn't think that. Felt like smacking off those syaitonnirajim for putting those doubts in my heart. 

Last Thursday, during usrah, each of us shared a verse from the Quran and shared their reflection based on our own understanding. Some shared 'popular' verse and surah like surah al-Asr (about how precious and limited time is and how we are often use our time on duniawi things and only spared the 'leftover' time to Allah i.e "Still ada masa lagi ni, baru sempat nak buat solat."), surah ar-Rahman on that 1 verse repeated 31 times in the surah (the verse is, "Which of the favors of your Lord would you deny?", basically a reminder on the many, many rezeki that He has given us but we still choose not to believe, also one of my favourite surah :) ), surah al-Baqarah verse 45 on having patience and pray (coincidentally my granduncle was advising the same to us in the car 2 weeks back, he said, bad or good, ask only from Him, do not seek elsewhere, ask and sujud) and surah ali Imran verse 185 on every living thing will surely taste death.

One of us shared a verse from surah Taha verse 132 ("Kami tidak meminta rezeki daripadamu bahkan Kamilah yang memberi rezeki kepadamu.") Nearly made me cry because when she explained on her reflection, it hit me on the spot. Right on the spot. A few years back, she was a workaholic and had very little time spent with the Creator, doing just the basic like the 5 obligatory prayers, fasting in Ramadhan and totally missing out on terawikh prayers. In the end she realized that the more money she got, the faster she lost them as well, like there is no barakah in her rezeki. And then, she started prioritizing Allah in her daily life. Things start to change since then. Back to my point about having doubts on His promise (and smacking off that evil devil), that reflection sort of put an end to this dilemma that I am having.

:')

Yesterday morning I read this status in Facebook which sort of seconded the answer that I was looking for. Read on please :)

Allah tahu apa dan bila masa yang terbaik.

Be patient, Weina, your time will come, insyaAllah. 

You go girl.

measure of a man

The best thing about talking to God (for me that includes a lot of asking, questioning, tantruming if there's such a word, complaining) is when you get the most perfect answer, in the end. 

I didn't have a good Friday last week and after getting off work, I was sooo glad the day was over, and vowed to just sleep over the weekend (which didn't really happen). 

I was scrolling through my Instagram feed that night and came across this, describing my day perfectly, and in a way, sort of memujuk my hati yang gundah gulana at that time. 

Sometimes I think this world is full of ungrateful people. Ungrateful because they never look at what is in their plates and instead look at what they DON'T have, thus having this mentality that no one shall ever be above them, in terms of anything. So they victimize others through their devious ways. Funny thing is, most of them are people of faith! Mannnn. What is this?!? How do they do that? They claim to be people of faith but they back bite? They have faith but spread rumors? They have faith but practice black magic? I seriously don't get this. 

Yes, I always remind myself that whatever ish that's being thrown at me, I have Allah. If I lose because of my stand (in faith and its principles), so be it. This is not my time yet, that this vulnerable self is not meant for the people of this world. It is meant for the next life. So let them be, let them walk all over me, let them have their ways. Let them judge me based on their assumptions. Only Allah knows what is in my heart and what I really do and why I do it. I probably need to do more self-reflect. I don't know.  

I used to hear Professor Muhaya talking about self-reflecting all the time. That what you give out is what you will get. If you give more money, money will come to you. That if you share more love and compassion, you will in return get more. I just realize how true this is. I'm thankful that I'm surrounded by a lot of good friends  in the office who always come by my place to just say hi and have small talks. I really, really appreciate that a lot. I've always believed that good friends is a form of rezeki. Anyways, some people in the office ask me, how did I know so many people and have so many friends? I really don't know. Just be a good friend, I guess, but of course, I didn't tell them that. How do you expect to have a friend when you backbite, degrade and look down on others all the time? How will all of that give others a good vibe? Man, I don't know. I'm not a saint and all of my advices/stories that I share on social medias including those I write in this blog goes first and foremost to myself. As a reminder because I go out of the path all the time and I see faults in others like I didn't have them in myself. I'm trying and I struggle, but of course, people don't see that. It's so true that we can say we are people of faith, that we go and pray in our mosques/churches/temples all the time, that we search for spiritual knowledge from lectures and seminars etc, that we fast to retain our desires etc but what really, really, actually matters is just one thing. 

The condition of your heart. 

Which only God will be able to see. There's this quote I love from one of the 'Inspiration' series by Muhammed Zeyara and Shaykh Omar Suleiman in Youtube. 

"Isn't it amazing that the ultimate measure of a man in the sight of God is the one thing that can't be seen by anyone else?"

to be a better person

If there is anything I did in my entire life that I regret deeply, the biggest thing would be living my adult life in ignorance and spending time entertaining and being entertained by worldly amazement. Living in sins. 

Astaghfirullah. 

:'(((((

The chase for one thing after another; good grades, good income, good material possession, good boyfriend, good husband. 

Illusion that is crafted to deviate us servants from preparing ourselves from the only goal we need to chase and prepare for; the Judgement Day. 

My life was never about how to survive this illusion. Never.

Every time I think back about how I was before,  I feel so ashamed and so wasted. Sometimes I hate myself for that. The years that I could have done something good for others, the years that I could have build something for myself (and for my future family, insyaAllah). 

The years that I won't get back :'(

I just hope He forgives all of my sins. I have a lot of them. A lot :((

Please forgive me if I've offended any of you through my posts. I am still learning and trying to be a better version of myself, everyday.

I love Islam because of that. 

Because it makes me want to be a better person, every time. There's a verse in the Quran from surah al-Fajr that hit me recently. 

"O reassured soul, return to your Lord, well-pleased and pleasing to Him" 89:27-28

"Kembalilah kepada Rabb (Tuhan) kamu dalam keadaan redha dan diredhai."

That is the bottom line. Everything that we do, our lifestyle, acts of worship, charity, how we treat others, how we react towards what others has done to us, how we react towards what God has destined for us, it has everything to do with our heart. 

Keep checking our heart and try to be better everyday. 

I hope we will meet in Jannah. 

Ameen. 

what i want #4

God knows how much just discussing about spiritual knowledge gets me all excited inside. It is amazing reflecting on His beauty, the beauty of His creations, how perfect He places everything, at the right time, the right place. It is amazing learning the seerah of the Prophets, the companions. How much love they have in their hearts for Allah, how much respect they have for Prophet Muhammad, their strength, their perseverance, their faith. Amazing learning the wisdom behind every ritual, obligatory and the non-obligatory. Amazing learning how much opportunity Allah is giving us to redeem just to book a spot, or better still, build a castle in Jannah. How beautiful Jannah is, how horrible Jahannam is, what happens when the Dajjal comes, how does Nabi Yusuf really look like (some say Prophet Muhammad is way better-looking than he is, but let's just do more sincere good deeds so that we can compare them in Jannah, okay?)

Masyaallah, so amazing. You know. 

My bestfriend and I, we love talking about these too, praises to Allah for sending beautiful people to be my own angels on earth. Sometimes we'd just say out loud, "How I wish we have husbands who love to go to ilm talks/lectures as much as we do, kan?" (Angels, I hope you jotted down the hints and pass the message on to you-know-who :] )

So yes, this is what I want, no 4 

(the last one was in October last year, just to keep track :P )

Let's start to imagine. 

Imagine having a husband who gives you a bedtime story of the seerah of the Prophet, just before you go to bed. Or listen to him recite the verses of the Quran, and reflecting on their meanings. Listening with your little ones, being amazed at the same time. Imagine having a mini halaqah in your home, discussing different topics which makes you think and ponder. Imagine, for every single act that you do in your home, for example, tending to your cats, folding your clothes, taking out the trash, your husband will be relating those acts in accordance to how Prophet Muhammad does them. My, my, just imagine. 

Now you know why we want husbands who goes to ilm talks or better still, those who goes to pray congregational prayers in the mosques to also listen to the khutbah, right?   

Personally, I think this is what that is lacking in our society nowadays. We just go on with our lives without reflecting on how exactly should we do it, the sunnah, following the footsteps of the Prophet. To have a leader in the household who incorporates these in the daily routine is a HUGE blessing. He will either get you to hellfire or to paradise.  

I can only pray and prepare myself to be the best wife for whoever he is that He has destined for me. Trying my best! He is, no doubt, the best of planners and He knows what is best for us. And He is just, al-Adl. At the end of the day, we only get what we are worthy of. 

“Verily, We (Allah) have created all things in due measures.” 

Al-Qamar 54:49

ilmfest 2014 - see you there

Up until a year ago, I had absolutely no interest in going for any kind of religious talks, classes, let alone conferences. Those are just for, you know, old people, or those from sekolah agama, whatnots. It's not that I don't like them, it's just that they are like something you do as an extra activity outside of your daily life. There are millions more other things that I could do aside from attending those kind of events. Besides, there was no one inviting me or exposing me to them. 

I went to my first majlis ilmu or ilm talk in June last year, for Being Me (Muslimah Empowered) 2013 in PICC, Putrajaya. I blogged about it here. It was upon a suggestion by one of my bestfriends, Azlene, may Allah bless her, who had also volunteered for the event as one of the facilitators. I don't know what moved me to go, but thank God I did. It was a sisters-only conference, and I guess that made me feel a little bit confident of going. I remember sitting in the main hall and lecture halls alone because my friend was on duty, and I remember jotting down so many notes, some I couldn't even finish because it was like every single thing that the speakers were talking about was so precious. I stayed on until the very last program and left the event feeling somewhat refreshed and wanting for more. 

From then onwards, I tried grabbing every opportunity attending ilm talks that I could, even those held on weekdays, after office hours. The hikmah of switching teams from a UK team working from 3 pm to 12 am to a normal 9 am to 6 pm office hours team, which I didn't see coming, masyaallah. I wanted so much to learn more. Funny thing is, the more I learn, the more I realize that I have been missing out quite a lot :') 

They say, when you have good intentions, Allah will ease your paths for you. I find this very true because all of the times that I wanted to go for these talks, He has made the journeys so easy and pleasant for me, alhamdulillah. You know how the traffic is like after 6 pm especially in Petaling Jaya. I'd leave office at 6+ and the talks sometimes start at 7.30 on the other side of the town, and of course, I'd foresee getting stuck in traffic and missing the talks. But amazingly, He made it easy and there was no traffic congestion on the days that I had ilm talks to attend. How great is He! One time, the ticket to one of the conferences was sold out, but I managed to get one on the day itself, from one of the sisters whose friend wasn't able to attend. Subhanallah, He is so loving, I tell you. Sometimes I think that I do not deserve all that He has given me, but He keeps on giving me chances after chances. I wish I can see Him in the Hereafter, which is the greatest blessings for anyone who enters the best of heaven. 

I don't have a lot of followers on my blog (and I want to keep it that way, for now) but I'd like to invite you to attend one multi-scholar ilm conference this coming Saturday and Sunday, 17th - 18th May in PICC, Putrajaya. It's called 'Ilmfest 2014' and this will be its debut conference in Malaysia organised by alMaghrib Institute and iMuslim Academy, with a few other sponsors. This year's theme is about our Prophet Muhammad's journey, as a mercy to mankind. Now I'm sure you've heard of the Prophet, but do you know how he lived his life? His companions? His wives? His years of happiness and sadness? Why was he chosen as the last Prophet? The tickets are currently priced at RM250 each and RM300 for walk-ins. However, if you're a non-Muslim or a newly-reverted Muslim of less than 6 months, the tickets are FREE for you, thanks to our kind sponsors. 

If I were asked a year ago to share my opinion on the Prophet, I'd just say that he is just another leader in the Islamic history. Just another leader, pffft. That was how shallow I was. To love a person, you gotta know him. This is your chance. Please come to this conference and enlighten yourselves on why he is the mercy the mankind. Kind of big, isn't it? To the entire mankind. 

Do come. Please come. 

For more information, feel free to access www.ilmfest.my

See you there :)

still the same me :)

If I could, I would jot down the journey I've taken since May last year, the people I meet, the things I read and found delight in, the lessons, the magical moment, the feeling, the serenity, the stir. Gosh, everything feels so magical and I wish they would stay with me, forever. I love writing these stuffs, but sometimes I can't really translate them into words, so at last, the ideas ended up just in my head, or in most cases, saved as drafts, until I don't know when :P So anything that I write, actually is from my personal experience and opinion, and doesn't necessary represent a label, a group etc. 

So, today, one of my girlfriends, again, imposed a few questions regarding my change.

"Why have you suddenly become so 'kuai', macam orang baik-baik, ni?"

"Are you liking what you are now?" Okay, whatever that means :P

"Are you happy?"

Yes, I am happy :) It doesn't show eh? haha.. 

She continued. 

"So you've changed because of that one incident. Those are not mistakes, those are lessons. I mean, if that fulfills you and you think that is what you are searching for, then it's okay."

I thought for a while and replied.

"Actually, I wasn't searching for it (faith). I just found it (without searching)."

Well, I hope that made sense. 

Yeah, I just found it without really searching for it. I was actually just looking for the answers to these 2 questions. Number 1, why did that happen to me when I have done absolutely nothing wrong. Number 2, what does getting married for the sake of Allah really mean? Which then led to the question of, if 2 people want to get married, it is between them both, where is Allah in this equation?

Boy, that question sounded pretty stupid now.

I'll probably write about those 2 questions in another entry because now I just want to highlight this conversation with my girlfriend that I had today in the office's pantry.

"You're just less adventurous nowadays. Look at Miss X. Girl, you used to be 'more fun'."

"I have changed, I know. In our life, at some point, we will come to that. We would just think that, yes, this is what I am searching for. But I have not abandoned you or our friendship, have I? I still go out with you guys. I'm still the same person. Still the same Amy. It's just that, like you said, nowadays, I go to these talks, classes but that doesn't change who I am with you guys." 

 You know, if I were to rewind my life, I never would have thought I'd have this conversation with my girlfriends. ANY one of them. 

Which is why when I meet these new people, or sometimes not so new people but they happen to be there with the same intention as you are, and to share that feeling. THAT feeling. Man, it is just out of this world. 

Allah loves us so much that for every hardship that you have to endure, He is actually saving you from something bad in the future that only He can see. And He is so great at forgiving, so forgiving, even when you think that you do not deserve His forgiveness. That's how much He loves us. 

Let's strive for His pleasure in the things we do. Big ones, like careers and marriage. 

Or small ones, like giving charity and treating people the right way. 

protect what i love

Have you noticed that as we grow old, there will only be this bunch of friends who really, really know who you are, even when you don't know that part of you, yourself?

Sigh.

You know, I have been isolating myself from most people for these past few months because I realize that some things are just not worth hanging onto. Some create drama, and while I used to enjoy or even join in the drama, at this age I'm at, I don't need them anymore. There's no room in my mind to accommodate all these useless things which will drain me of my energy, for sure. 

Try doing something your friends don't expect you to do. Go against something they don't expect you to do and see their reaction. Some people, when they don't get what they want from you, they can be mean. A side of them you have not seen. Even if they are your very own close friends you've known for years. 

A few months ago, I was in a stressful situation, work-wise and family-wise. All I wanted at that time was understanding friends. That's it. This bunch of girlfriends keep asking me out for a catch-up session. At that time I was super busy from one weekend to another and I kept on rejecting their 'dates' and they went berserk about it. Biasalah, ladies and drama (me included la). So, in the midst of all this chaos, another group of friends also tried to set a date with me, which I politely declined as well, knowing my December schedule. But they were persistent and what they did next touched my heart deeply. This bunch of guy friends who work in the heart of KL and stay in faraway places like Ampang and Klang, went all the way from KL to see me in Cyberjaya, on their public holiday (it was Christmas Day, I was still working), so that they can have dinner with me. So sweet! Super duper sweet. I mean, can't my girlfriends do that too? Can't they be as understanding as the guys? I mean, the girls, they are practically working in Cyberjaya as well! And I didn't even think of that brilliant idea pun. Ah, can I just have guyfriends instead of girlfriends now? Haha, just kidding. I love my girlfriends just the same.  

When 2014 came, I was still swarmed up at work and activities. The same set of girlfriends ask me out for their birthday celebration next month. April, May and June are my busiest month so I just told them the weeks that I will be free. To the dismay of some of them who replied that the date set was already in agreement with most of  them, so I said ok, I'll follow majority (i think this surprised them). By this time, I was so annoyed that they bothered to even ask which dates I am free, but I kept reminding myself to be calm and patient. which was SO TOUGH! No wonder sabar is half of your iman :S

Is it them? Or is it just me? Am I being sensitive? Like I said, at this age, I don't need this. I don't need drama, I don't need friends who say beautiful things about yourself to you just to back-bite you in the end, I don't need talks about the latest cosmetic they have in Sephora or how much discount I can get, I don't need to discuss about someone's backside in the office nor do I want to talk about why is Miss A getting married with someone younger than her. I don't need those things anymore. Those will only make me love the world more when all I want now, is to leave all those behind. I don't want to feel jealousy, envy, competitive, excitement over worldly matters, arrogance, hatred. I just want to clean myself from all those mess I've built over the years and getting rid of them probably require having to leave some of your girlfriends behind, but that's okay.

The things that I love now is going for talks and classes to gain beneficial knowledge which I can share and educate my brothers and sisters with. The things that don't only benefit us now, but also when we have passed. I love having discussions with some girlfriends who go to these classes as well and we share the things that we learnt or debate about them, which will elevate our knowledge insyaAllah. These things, they give you a calmness in your hearts which you won't get it elsewhere. It's a delight having some of your lifelong questions answered by just asking and seeking. 

My point is, I have no room in my heart or mind for petty things. That doesn't mean I don't have fun anymore, I do, but just differently I guess. Someone once said, if you love a person, you gotta protect what he/she loves. That include her faith, her hobbies, her passion.

I can't agree more. 

human potential

Right now I'm supposed to be doing a research for a project BUT I miss blogging, I really do! Been quite occupied lately, which is good because 2014 is gonna be an awesome one, you bet. 

Some weeks ago I had 2 restless days thinking about an issue which I didn't know how to handle. I worried, threw tantrums (sorang2 in the room la), and heh, you know what? I fell sick and took MC the next day. Crazy right? I think prior to that I was already catching the flu and fever bug, plus I didn't really have proper sleep or rest. 

And then I asked Him.

I got my answer the next day while listening to Ikim.fm radio channel, talking about human potential. I forgot who was the invited guest at that time but what he said answered exactly what I was so restless about. Well, it goes along the line of something like this. 

Manusia telah diciptakan sebaik-baik kejadian, so do not measure your capability against another human. Everyone's got potential, which you might already have known, or will know later in life. 

There, crystal clear. 

Talking about human potential, I gotta salute those who have/are using their God-given skills to give back to the community. I've got a friend who's doing graphic designing. He is currently attached to an Islamic educational institution, designing posters for the institution's da'awah missions. Also, this used-to-be really popular local R&B sensation who are now going around the nation on their maulid quests. Never mind what take people has on maulids. I used to be their groupie back then tau. Subhanallah for this transformation :) Recently, one of my nephews showed me an application called myMasjid (or something like that) which he and his friends built. Besides the usual calling of the prayer (adzan) function, the application can also locate the nearest mosque for you, has a built-in compass and another function I can't recall. I mean, how great is that, masyaallah!

I came accross a phrase from the Quran  (28:77)  yesterday which fits the above situations perfectly. 

But seek, through that which Allah has given you, the home of the Hereafter; and [yet], do not forget your share of the world. And do good as Allah has done good to you. And desire not corruption in the land. Indeed, Allah does not like corrupters.

or its Malay translation,

Dan carilah dengan apa yang Allah dianugerahkan kepadamu itu negeri akhirat, dan janganlah kamu melupakan bahagianmu daripada duniawi, dan berbuat baiklah sebagaimana Allah telah berbuat baik kepadamu, dan janganlah kamu berbuat kerosakan di bumi. Sesungguhnya Allah tidak menyukai orang yang berbuat kerosakan.

How apt kan? So, please give back to the community if you have the chance. You could change the life of others, or subconsciously, your own :) 

happy news

Ikan di laut, asam di darat.

Dalam kuali bertemu jua.

Ever heard of that idiom?

Just now a colleague relayed a story of a friend who just tied the knot last week. I dengar their love story hati pun terus berbunga-bunga. Haha.. 

Last November, Linda, went to Armsterdam on one of her travel quest. Linda is one of those carefree I-just-wanna-spend-my-life-travelling-not-getting-married-yet kinda girl. When she got back, her friends tried to play cupid, match-making her with a Malay guy who, by their standards, is pretty decent, duaniawi and akhirat. Linda wasn't interested at first because firstly she was dating a mat salleh at that time. After much persuasion, she finally gave in, after doing istikarah etc. They dated a while, got engaged, just had their akad nikah last week and gonna do their reception this weekend.

I mean, this is Linda, who couldn't care less about having a wedding, let alone starting a family! And it all happened within a period of 3 months, masyaAllah. Kalau dah jodoh, they say ;)

I love their story because I think I can relate to Linda being carefree and not wanting to settle down that fast, and look at where she is now. Allah has given her someone who can guide her to Jannah. Betul lah, perempuan yang baik untuk lelaki yang baik :)

Couldn't help thinking am I baik enough already? How baik should I be? Or, have I ended up like this (still single) because of what I have done in the past? If so, what about those who are worse than I am? 

I know I shouldn't be thinking that at all. I am no angel, and definitely not better than another hamba Allah. I shouldn't judge as the rightful judge is Him, only Him. Hati lain-lain kan, only He knows what is in our hearts. 

In addition to this good news, I just found out that one of my ex is getting married in July. This is the ex from a couple of years ago, not the recent one. LOL. The only ex I've managed to stay friends with :) I am happy for him. I know he will make a great husband, and an even better father :) Looks like things are falling into place, alhamdulillah :') After all, He is the best of planners.

2014 so far has been good, and it's only January :) I know I'm a changed person now, and while some may not like how I am now, this is the path I choose to be.

I recently stumbled upon a word, husnuzon. It means having good thoughts of people and of His plans. 

InsyaAllah.

Good night, have a pleasant sleep :)

step by step

I didn't know that I was actually under a lot of stress lately until I got hit by migraine a few days ago. Can't remember when was the last I had it. It started at the office after I was done with the emails. Thank God the emails didn't come in loads like they did last week, and I gotta thank my wonderful colleagues too for always helping me out when the mailbox was bombarded with a whole load of them. Was contemplating to even cancel my class that night but haish, too precious to cancel. Thank God the traffic was ok on the way back home. Reached home took some pills, rested and then went to class. 

I gotta admit, maybe I didn't take care of myself well enough lately, which also might have contributed to this. Doctor advised to go for walks (okay,doc. been pilling up on the kilos already *cries*) and also do some breathing exercises. Procrastination, hear hear.

I'm not too sure the exact source of stress. I do know that lately some part of my brain has triggered some memory, just macam tu jek. Padahal all this while dah lama tak terfikir pasal yang lepas2. And lately, I feel like I've been pushed to the limit by people close to me on this thing we call love. I know they mean well for me, they always do. They'd recommend people and stuff, but I don't know la. Sometimes part of me miss that part of dating etc, but most of the time, I'm think I'm still a little bit scared. How la? Slow slow je la kot. Anyways, I believe that He has my best interest at hand, so I don't have to worry too much. Ok kawan2ku yang sedang membaca luahan hatiku ni, don't worry about me too much ok. I am fine the way I am now :P Dating's fun but hanging out with u girls lagi fun tau  >.< 

Baby steps, katanyerrr.. 

Just a little note to all heartbreakers who might be reading this, when you break someone's heart, you rip them off everything that made them who they are. 

Their confidence. 

May He grant yourselves some humanity and love in your hearts. 

Ameen.