Recently I had a chat with one of my girlfriends. I asked her, what difference does she see in me in all these months. She said, "You talk more about religious stuff now, you've become quieter and more laid-back. You're no longer this exciting Amy who straightaway says yes to adventures, you know. It's like you're this wall that is hard to break through."
Okay, I know that last part is concluded from me being indecisive on proceeding with my Bali trip. And she was adamant for me to go. She wanted me to go so much because she said I deserve the trip after all that has happened. I know I deserve it too, but honestly at this stage, I didn't feel like I needed that trip anymore. And I was actually OK to go or otherwise. I didn't mind not going, but I just had to assess the pros and cons.
My point here is not the trip, nor it is about me being indecisive.
My point is that I'm no longer this exciting person who says yes to adventures. It hit me hard. I guess there's a little bit of truth to that. Thing is, for so many months, all I wanted and prayed for is to have strength to go through the trials and ultimately, to have a peaceful mind and heart. And alhamdulillah (praise to Allah), that has been granted, albeit not an easy journey. I've reconnected with friends and families that I didn't always get to hang out with and to me that's actually a learning experience because otherwise, I wouldn't have known what I wanted in my future family, hadn't I spend that much time with them. Everything, all these months, has been a learning experience. Every single thing. An eye-opener this heartbreak has been.
Man, I can go on and on about the things I learnt, but of course, those are not the point of this entry, so I shall save them for future posts.
Going for crazy adventures, like how I was used to, is probably the last thing on my mind, right now. However, it still struck me hard that I'm receiving this perception from my own girl. I don't want to lose that part of me, of course. I'm a go getter (working hard on that at work though, haha) and I love adventures, especially impromptu ones. That line has reminded me that in order to attain my goals, I shall not lose myself in the process. No no, not me. How could I forget that? Hmmm.
I assess myself a bit after that, and I have came to a conclusion that yes, I have, too, been building walls around myself, especially with people who I'm not close with (i.e colleagues) and men. I have trust issues, definitely. I'm scared. I'm scared that the more compassion I show, the easier it is to get hurt. Oh my, my first confession on my fear. That is probably the reason I've been holding off meeting new people, and friend-zoning advances. Yes, apparently friend-zone is a valid English word.
Starting over, that's scary.
Especially when you don't really know what to do. I'm just thankful I started off with finding and rekindling with my faith. The next steps, I guess I'll just let things flow. Adventures and men, you're still a little scary but you're something that I need to open up to again slowly. Haih.
A woman's heart should be so lost in God, that a man must seek Him in order to find her