dear future

My future Mr Zauj, this entry (including the video) is for you.

Know that you're always in my prayers.

:)

(please do play this video while you're reading through the entry, okie? it adds the feel to this entry. kihkih)

Sometimes it feels like I'm missing someone I've never even met. I'm excited, really, but I know we will only meet when we're ready.  I read somewhere that sometimes, we are not yet destined to meet our jodoh, because he/she is no longer around. This means that our jodoh is indeed with him/her, but we didn't make it to meeting each other because he/she has already been called to return home to Allah. If that is ever the case for me, I sure hope I will meet him in the Hereafter. Tapi tak sempat berbakti sebagai wifey, then how? Can still go Jannah together or not? :S The article I read didn't really elaborate on that, so I shall do some more reading on that. Interesting ,right? The things you stumble upon while trying to look for answers to a completely different question altogether, masha Allah. 

I recently came to a conclusion. That nothing in this life is a coincidence. It IS meant to be how it is. Not a mere coincidence, my friends.  My brother disagreed on this. You will come to that point of life, maybe many,many years later and see things clearer. That is when you will look back and say, "So that was what all that was about." Trust me, Allah is the all-Knower. His plans are always in the best of our interest. Even as you are doing what you are doing now, you will see what comes out of it sooner or later. Which is why you must always do good, have good intentions. Do you know that when you intend to do good, you get a point (translated to pahala in Malay), and when you really do it, you get another. YET, when you do a bad deed, your bad deed is not yet jotted down by the angels because they say, "Wait, maybe he will repent." How great is that? This is what I learnt from Syeikh Yusuf Estes, anyways. Do correct me if I understand it the wrong way. 

p/s : You can look for his video on deeds by his video title 'Deeds are by intention' in YouTube. He has this soothing voice like a father reading a bedtime story. I admit that I fell asleep on the sofa one night while watching him on the telly. It's his voice! He is nevertheless an inspiring character, at least to me, that is. 

Ah, I'm as usual strayed away from my path of writing on this jodoh thingamajig. Let's carry on.

Good men are for good women, vice versa. And lately, I've seen a quite a number of them united in walimahs, alhamdulillah. This has inspired me greatly. 

I pray to always be guided to be a better Muslim and to be reminded of when I'm not.

p/s : I've made 2 kinda big life decisions. I surely hope both will be manifested within this year, insha Allah :) I'll share more when I'm ready. 

"So then if a person reflects on the manifestations of God's perfection, beauty and majesty, as well as God's favour upon him or her, and meaning of love for Allah is engraved in the heart of this individual. And then, when love of Allah is engraved in the heart of a human being, that heart becomes attached to Allah. And the heart becoming attached to Allah, causes a removal of a veil from the heart so that the heart perceives its connection to God."

- Habib al-Jifri

  

sexy and i know it

Was in line at the KK Mart counter today and it was already my turn to have my purchases priced. Suddenly this African lady, with her hot pink hair and her hugs-u-in-all-the-not-so-right-places top, cut in front of me, putting her purchases of booze (i think, they were either bottles of booze or turpentine, i couldn't differentiate :P) on the counter. The cashier was not local, I think he was Nepalese or Bangladeshi, not so sure. In my mind, I dah set. Sure la the cashier would layan this hot momma first, tak kisah la she cut the line ke tak. 'Cos she's hot like that, you know. And I was just wearing this faded T-shirt and jeans *cries* 

I was all the time thinking, nowadays mana ada orang baik2 dah. Semua tengok berduit or not, cantik or not, I was mumbling in my head.

Suddenly he turned to me and said, "Akak, barang akak?" Hohoho. I was soooo taken aback. Turns out still ada orang baik2 ye. There's hope, there's hope!

That made my day today.

I'm pretty easy to please, like that. 

:)

on forgiveness

Somebody tweeted this and it immediately reminded me of you. 

Yes, this is for you. 

Like it's nothing. Kan?

Sometimes when I read, I come across words that inspire me and make me think about life. Like how pain is temporary, or like how time heals all wounds, or like sunshine comes after the rain, yada yada. I've also come across this one point that is so true but I find so hard to swallow. 

Forgive people as how you would want God to forgive you. That person might have wronged you but you have wronged God in so many other ways and yet He still forgives you again and again. 

Truth is, I don't know if I have forgiven you. I guess I haven't. It will take time, surely. I still remember how

you said that I often end up with bad guys and you're one of them, that I deserve better. So cliche like that, kan? Maybe la. Maybe I'm just not that lucky. Or maybe it's because of something I did in the past, I don't know. But I am sure that there is a reason for every meet and every parting. 

And I think the reason we met was so that I could taste a little bit of happiness even if it was only temporary. And I guess the reason we parted was so that I know what happens if we depend our happiness so much on something other than our Creator.  

Allahu allam. 

I keep reminding myself, and those close to me, to always find the good in everything. Find the hikmah. It makes you more thankful.

Like the verse from Surah Al-Sharh, 'Verily, with hardship comes ease.'  

I used to think that what the verse means is that AFTER the hardship, there will be ease. Thing is, it is not AFTER, it is WITH hardship comes ease. This means that, when Allah tests us with hardships, He doesn't make the entire situation hard for you. There will be ease or good in some ways. Which makes perfect sense. 

Otherwise, I wouldn't have embarked on this beautiful journey of faith, alhamdulillah. 

I'm still learning. I have an awful lot to learn, but I'm enjoying it. It's just that sometimes it feels like a roller-coaster ride. One day I'm in high spirits, the next, I'll be feeling blue. Keep reminding myself these days to recharge and recharge and RECHARGE. Hehe. 

Recharge and absorb.

And put them into action. 

Allah loves us, no matter how much we have sinned. 

And I hope I could find enough courage to forgive. 

This journey is a tough journey, and the heart has to be revived again and again to make it to the end 

Shaykh Hamza Yusuf

what i want #3 - take time off for each other

Hellooo. How are you today? I hope you are in the pink of health!

Oh yeah, I've been meaning to say. It's October, and if you have not heard, October is also associated with the colour pink, hence, Pink October, a month of breast cancer awareness. Of course, we shouldn't limit this awareness to only this month :) Yesterday, my department has some sort of a KFC makan-makan session at the office and alhamdulillah, most of us (even the guys) came in pink as requested by yours truly *peace sign*

But that's not really the point of this entry (selalu tauu, iklan-iklan gitu)

This is entry #3 for what I want for my future :)

I went to Sy Yahya Ibrahim's talk on what does it take to be the happiest women recently, and he gave 20 points on how to. One of the points is to learn from your parents's life, the good and also the not so good.

One of the best things I learn from them is to take some time off for each other. Nearly every morning, my dad and my mum would go out to have breakfast together, just the two of them. They know each other's favourites or second favourite (in case the shop doesn't have the first one). I remember my aunt asking me one morning, " Mana mak? Dating la tu."  Ahaa.

So it's either eating out, having some date night (i.e movies etc) or just having home-made breakfast or dinner at home, just the two of us. I secretly love cooking breakfast. I think I would love it even more to be cooking breakfast for him >.<  Pandai-pandai je kan, cuba nanti dah kawin. Ada lagi kerr? Insha allah. Hohohooo..

I love mornings. I guess it's the breath of fresh air, the new hope.

Today's breakfast - scrambled eggs, diced tomatoes and frankfurters in mixed herbs. Love English breakfast as my stomach can't take heavy meals in the morning

I think having a time-off from the household every once in a while is good for you and your spouse, away from other things that can hinder you from getting to know each other, even after some 30 years of marriage. We never stop learning, betul tak? There is bound to be something new that you learn about your spouse, every single day.

These days, divorce is so common in the society that it's starting to be the trend already. I do not want that in my future. I admit that that is one of the reasons I'm scared to be committed to a marriage. Thing is, I can't shake this perception in my head that no matter how good a man is, somehow or rather, they are bound to have a change of heart, somewhere along the lifeline of a marriage. I don't want to go through the trauma of having to think that I'm second best. I mean, isn't that what your spouse is for? To protect and make you feel like you're the best thing that has ever happened to him/her? Otherwise, imagine the insecurity and the inferiority the spouse has to go through. Imagine feeling like that everyday, it's like a child who gets deprived of affection from his parents, so he resorts to rebelling. 

Oh, the horror. 

I hope what I want will be materialized in the future. I know it's not enough just hoping and praying, both of us need to make it work and of course, tawakkal. 

Taking the words of a fellow Muslim brother, Mazhir Jamil Ya-Si : 

'Change of heart often occurs when one goes through hardship. A person may want to change their ways for their own betterment. After all they feel that life has treated them bad whenever they found happiness. They feel that whenever they found happiness it gets taken away from them. But not everything you believe is happiness. A Haram relationship - by no means is this acceptable as a muslim? You haven't found happiness, you have just fallen into the trap and following the evil whispers occupying your mind. So whenever this relationship breaks, know that it was for the best and happiness lies outside of haram. Reflect the past. Mistakes will be always made but remember, the experience that you gain from them should enable you to stop. Unless you have a weak heart.'

....."Therefore, when I am your other half, I only want to be completed, not to be compared. I am indeed a woman by nature, and as your wife, all I need is just my husband.

The goal is Jannah, hence please be with me in anything that is pleasure to Allah. May Allah bless us forever, ameen."

Someday you'll find the right person, and you'll learn to have a lot more confidence in yourself. That's what I think - Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional

As you grow older, you'll realize that life is NOT about you. 

:)

insignificant

This is one of those nights where I just wanna rant. 

Sometimes I feel it's just easier to stay insignificant. That way, the pain is all yours to take and you don't have to take the feeling of others into account. Sometimes I just want to be all by myself. Just me and my journey. That's all. 

Becoming too attached to people sometimes makes you vulnerable. Vulnerable to all kinds of feelings which padaku sometimes is just wasting my time and effort. Tired, you know. Always being the one who initiates, who pushes, who gets it done. Get what I mean? 

So, if I were to choose to be insignificant, I don't have to jaga hati and all those nonsense. That is the part yang a bit complicated in whatever relationship you're in, kan? So, better be totally irrelevant kan? You don't kacau others, and others (hopefully) don't kacau you.  

I tried to be just that a few weeks back but I failed. Because I can't. 

I cannot be that person who keeps to herself and still be happy. 

I can't.

But if you want me to be that irrelevant to you and your life, so be it.