uncertainties

It has been more or less 2 weeks now since I last updated anything on my blog. Trust me, I've been itching to pen down my thoughts because I have a lot of  hot news (!), photos, events and some dwelling as well, I suppose.

And right now, I'm kind of in a down mood :'(

Sometimes I feel like it's easier being single and just go through life without having your heart crushed and broken into pieces every time. It's easier to just enjoy life with your girlfriends and family. But thing is, when you're single, you would wish that you have a partner to share your happiness and woes with you. So ironic.

Right now, I thought I have the happiness that I am searching for. But in all honesty, I feel that I am not complete. How to find such happiness that can complete you? How? I mean, I still have these doubts and whatnots, and I even have this feeling that this is again another one of Allah's test. You know right, His tests will come in terms of all sorts of downfall or pleasure, so I was thinking maybe, just maybe, He is just lending one of His creations to me, so I would get to feel happy, even for a short while. I guess when your intention is right, you will be blessed. Well, my intention is right and I have gone to You for some answers. But yet I feel like I might lose him.

Sometimes I feel maybe this is just my mindset being all negative and whatever. That what it really is, is that I'm afraid to finally be happy. I'm not sure. Yes, I'm happy and I love to be this happy with him. But is he happy? Yes, he makes me happy, but do I make him happy? Because sometimes I get this vibe that he has a lot in his mind and he's just being with me because I make him feel comfortable. But I don't want him to be with me because of that. I want him to be with me because he is in love with me.

Are you in love with me, sayang? I don't want to keep on guessing because I don't have a definite answer.

If you are, what is holding you back?

I'm trying to instill this belief that if we don't work out in the end, at least he has made me happy. Maybe indeed Allah is just lending him to me to make me appreciate more. God knows.

I get tired of trying, every time. Once, my girlfriend pointed out to me that I have a positive outlook towards love because I can get myself up after every heartbreak that I've gone through. Girlfriend, it is hard! It is hard sustaining the relationship, to have it fail in the end, to register the reality in your head, to nurse your heart, to erase the memories and promises, to face his friends and family, to let go, to be at peace (redha) with what's written, to get yourself up, to smile and not be grouchy, to find things to do to replace your once him-filled life, to focus on other things, to muster enough courage to talk about it to your friends, yada-yada. IT IS NOT EASY.

So again, how do you find such happiness that can complete you? Tell me.