I've moved

Not sure if anyone is still reading my blog :D

But if you still are, I've actually moved and have been writing on a new platform here.

And yes, still struggling to keep my posts as updated as possible.

So see you there :)

Allah is "crafting" you

I was in the shower last night when out of the blue, I broke down and cried. Thing is, this whole week I’ve been having some sort of anxiety attack. There’s too much going on in my mind – let’s just leave this part out. So in the shower itself, I made a duaa. Well, an absurd place to make a duaa but I did anyway. I prayed for a guidance and explanation.

Then, I resumed doing my assigned task – the thesis. At one of point of time, I couldn’t get any more ideas to flow from my brain so I turned to Twitter for some distraction. Ha, some place to gather ideas kan? There, someone was asking Aida Azlin if she has any podcast for her talks in addition to her Youtube videos, and so she gave 2 links. I clicked both links but was more inclined towards the 2^nd link because of the first topic that I saw on the page. 

The topic was ‘Surah Taha: Allah is “Crafting” You. As we know, surah Taha is one of the most beautiful surah in the Quran because one of Prophet Muhammad’s (pbuh) companion, Umar ibn al-Khatab (ra) embraced Islam just by listening to the recitation of Surah Taha recited by his sister. And he was just on his way to kill the Prophet when he heard this recitation, masyaallah. How amazing that a cold heart can turn soft just by listening to the verses of the Quran, and how even more amazing that all of this can only happen by His mercy. Looking at this small fraction of the story, one can easily conclude that when Allah plans something for us, we are actually set to be on a specific role in our life, with a specific and intended purpose. Look at where Umar ranks in Islam and how enormous his role is in spreading this beautiful religion. Of course this was not achieved easily if it weren’t for the challenges that Allah has intended for him since Day 1.

Back to the podcast (haha!), Aida and Mariama started with the story of Prophet Musa a.s walking in the dessert with his family when he saw a fire ahead of them. He then told his family to stay put and that he would investigate what the fire was all about. When he came, Allah spoke to him and the first thing Allah asked Prophet Musa to do is to remove his sandals. Here we see how important adab is while seeking knowledge – or while doing anything else, for that matter. In this podcast, Aida and Mariama have compared 2 similar verses, verse 13 and verse 41, which have same English translation but not exactly the same meaning. Confusing right? But just stay with me.

Verse 13 is translated in English as “And I have chosen you, so listen to what is revealed (to you).” while verse 41 is translated as “And I have selected you for Myself.”. Both carry somewhat the same translation, however for verse 41, Allah has specifically used the word “Tana” which actually translate to “craft” in Arabic. In essense, verse 41 is properly translated to “And I have crafted you for Myself.”

How cool that Allah uses the word ‘craft’ to show Prophet Musa that all the challenges he has gone through, was beautifully molded, so that he can be shaped to be capable to endure such trials? Cool as heck, if you ask me.

Let me quote the beautiful reflection from the ladies now.

“It is telling a Prophet that he has been selected for a task. Allah is telling Musa, his whole life, the series of events he has gone through and all of the different events that led you to this cave with Me right now is all because I was crafting you for this job. The events in our life are not random. They all worked together in some type of way that they are leading us towards our greater purpose and greater goal. Sometimes life makes no sense. You really don’t understand that things are not going according to plan. You need those challenges to grow into someone better. Allah is crafting you and Allah is crafting every single circumstance and situation that He is giving you. Syaitan’s whisper is the loudest when you’re almost reaching that goal.”

Super, super cool. If we think about it, at this point of our lives, we should already be overcoming some hurdles in our lives. If we don’t know any better, those hurdles have subconsciously made us, or crafted us to be better, bolder and more resilient than ever. Otherwise, we won’t be where we are right now. And that is exactly the answer I needed from my duaa in the shower, Alhamdulillah.

The links for the podcast is as below :-

ramadanreminders.tumblr.com

theshawllabel.com/womanup  (where I listened to the reflection on surah Taha)

Til, then, have a good and fulfilled Ramadhan for all Muslims around the world J

By the way, I also write on a new platform now (just 1 post so far haha). Just trying to learn something new (craft myself hehe) and perhaps make myself a better person in the long run in terms of growth. At the moment, it is accessible at https://amyalmohtar.wixsite.com/bestellar if you want to add me to your bloglist. My stories are random but I am trying to write as much as possible like how I used to do over the years. Pray for me, love!

choose happiness!

My first post for 2018, well done Amy! :P 

Okay, I vow to write more blog posts in 2018 Insyaallah. I write more in Instagram though because it is faster that way but this time, what I am about to write is kind of a bit on a personal level, so here we go.

These past few months have been mentally-changing for me. It has been a period where I have been tested on my faith so much so that I needed to do a lot of thinking and self-reflection. Man, I overthink a LOT and honestly, I think I am having anxiety (!). But I really need to thank the Almighty for giving me this ample time to sort things out, to be with my family for the longest time since I left the house to further my studies, and at the same time, still keep myself sane at the end of the day despite being broken inside. Perhaps this is a reminder from Him that I have strayed away too far from Him and a calling to fix my relationship with Him. 

I have not read my Quran consistently in months and I can't remember when I last did my sunat prayers. To go through the struggle was a blessings in disguise.

A couple of days ago, I couldn't do my prayers because I was on my menses so I was a little disheartened because it feels like I couldn't connect to Him to tell Him of my sorrows. See how I underestimated His mercy? It was raining in the evening that day and I remember that one of the best time to make doa, that is more likely to be accepted by Allah, is when it is raining. I leaned back against my bed and prayed that Allah give me guidance on my doubts.

The next morning, I was checking my mail and I received the weekly love letter from Aida Azlin. This week's subject is 'To The Girl Who Hates Me.' 

You can subscribe to the love letters too, here. A part of the letter goes like this :

Like what Aida said, sometimes we tend to take the easier route. For me, it was easier to believe something which was not true and then build all sorts of negative thoughts in my mind, rather than have a good excuse for it and take a positive point of view of the situation. After reading the mail, I instantly remembered what Ustazah Liyana from Singapore said in one of her talks, "Promise yourself that you'll try your best and you'll work hard. Promise yourself that no matter how hard it is, you will always do the right thing." 

Masyallah, Jannah isn't easy. 

Mister have been reminding me again and again that we have to be strong if we want syurga and that it is not easy in the Hereafter. Why do you have to be so far away sayang :'(

This morning I saw this in Ustazah Liyana's Instagram.

Perfect advice kan? To tell you the truth, I just learned this concept when I was dealing with the whole ordeal. That happiness, really is our choice. When we are inflicted with hardship, our automatic reaction will be anger, frustration and blame game, right? All this negative energy is not helping us with anything really. In fact, it makes the situation worse. But we can make the situation better by doing something positive out of it. If it is something that we can change, well, change it. If it is something that we can't change, perhaps we can change something in ourselves that makes the situation a little less painful. We can choose happiness, if we want to, and to always pray for Allah to guide us and always have good thoughts about Him.

This is also something that caught by eye this morning, by a psychology lecturer.

That practically sums up the answer that I was waiting for. 

About dead hearts and how easily people give up on them. You see, I'm one who doesn't give up on people easily. I always make it a point that however bad someone is, there is surely a streak of goodness left in them. And that kindness NEVER goes out of style. How can I forget these things? Alhamdulillah for these reminders I so, soooo needed. 

I'll try my best not to take the easy way out. 

I'll try to always do the right thing, no matter how hard.

I'll try to be the best version of me and give my best effort

And put the rest in Allah's hands

Let me learn my lesson this time.

I

skeletons

The other night, Mister threw a question at me which caught me by surprise and it took me some time to finally understand what was it that I feared for in a relationship.

"It would be different kan if I was a local? You would've said yes straightaway and we would be making arrangements already."

I pondered on that and I realized that, that was not actually the case. It did not matter where he came from, I am sure of that.

"No, where you come from does not matter. It's just that coming to this day is a big thing which I never thought will come. I never thought I would finally be able to be here, you know. Deciding big things like this. Because... "

I stopped midway and choked. At that instance, I knew I was about to let the skeleton out of its closet.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry sayang," 

He said quickly, stepping in as my voice trailed off. Sounds drama a bit kan. I just wanted to remember this moment.

"Because, I was always the second option. The second best. You faham tak?" 

There I said it. Some scars just never heal. They stay in the closet with you until reality hits you one day and everything then makes sense.

The next thing came in a blur because obviously I was tearing up and he was trying his best to comfort me. I vividly remember feeling like I was in one of my religious classes, catching words and phrases like 'what's past is past', 'life is a series of tests', 'you passed the tests before',  'the only thing that matters is how it will be in the future' .. blabla.. Honestly I couldn't remember the rest but I know that it felt like I was listening to my ustaz giving us tazkirah. Actually I never saw this side of him being in his 'ustaz' mode and frankly speaking, I needed that reminder. But the best thing I feel is that there were no words of promises, just reminders to rely only on Allah. 

My weakness in all of my previous relationships is that I depend too much on people and their promises. And as a result, when I get heart-broken, it took some time for me to move on because I was always asking myself what is wrong with me. Truth is, we are all each created perfectly in our best form. There is nothing wrong with us, just some silly expectations that we created in order to have a so-called perfect relationship, when in fact we could channel our worries and hopes to the only one that could make it happen according to our best interest. 

Him.   

your heart is stronger than you give it credit for

Hello guys! How are you? 

Gosh, it has been more than a year since I last wrote anything here. I miss writing but life just took hold of me a year ago and I found myself pretty much occupied with work most of the time. The days and nights are crazy, weekends too, basically just devoting my life to work. So nowadays I would just upload stuff on my Instagram, which is more convenient :) I miss writing on this blog, I seriously do! Now I've quit that company (yup!) and just landed myself on a new job, doing what I used to do some few years ago but for a slightly demanding client and a more demanding environment. What the cat was I thinking when I took the offer?!? They say be careful of what you wish for kannnn?

Nah, amek kau.

So these days, I'm feeling quite stressed out to the point that I thought of just leaving the corporate world and go migrate to Perth and do something more relaxing, like work in a bookstore, sell something in the morning market or something along the line. I'm not getting any younger so I feel like I should be looking after my health more and feed my soul more with good things. So, while we are at it, if you are someone who lives in Perth and looking for someone to look after your bookstore yada yada, please hire me! :P (not kidding)

On my way to work every morning, I would be caught up in the deadly PJ traffic, so I would have some time to check out my Facebook in the car. One morning, I stumbled upon a video by Aida Azlin talking about heartbreaks. No, I'm not heartbroken or anything like that but the points that she was talking about in the video was so good. Ok, I'll share some bits and pieces of them here:

1. There's no shortcuts to healing but we can all try to cope with the pain. 

Some of us just numb and suppress this feeling, some of us cry to sleep, some of us throw ourselves to our work to keep ourselves busy, whatever coping mechanism that we choose, know that it will only take your mind off your real feeling just for a while. It doesn't deal with the feeling that you have. The only way to deal with the pain is to write it out, and give it time. 

2. Please help yourself to heal.

Your heart is stronger than you give it credit for. While you are still hurting, your heart is already preparing itself to heal, to forgive, to move on. But if we are still picking on our scabs, i.e keep on revisiting old memories, or when we insist to hold on to things or people who are already left, we are being our own obstacle to our own healing. 

3. Use that energy to be creative.

All this feeling that you have right now because of the heartbreak is a form of energy. Use that energy, in a productive way. Don't use it to scheme for revenge etc. Use the energy to be creative. Write it out, paint it out, go run a marathon, climb a mountain. Just use that intense energy to benefit you. Use it to grow into a much wiser, stronger, better you. Like a version 2.0. Look at what Adele did. She made a whole album about her heartbreak and it won her 6 Grammys and made her lots of money. 

Such wonderful advice, right? Since then, I have been utilizing the hours in the morning traffic listening to her videos and that helped me to be more motivated and inspired to start work. Come to think of it, I think this is the answer that I was asking Allah for when I just couldn't take the work stress any longer some time back. And amazingly, most of the times kan, I would ask Him specific question like, is it really my fault or am I being too sensitive? The next thing I know, I get the answers through Aida's video, talking about the exact same thing :)

You are truly all-Hearing, all-Seeing and the Most Compassionate

So guys, if you love these stuff, head over to Facebook or Youtube and search for Aida Azlin. She does amazing videos and she writes about her reflection on life through weekly love letters.

Til then, see you when I see you. Take care and please pray that Allah will make it easy for me in my work and everything else in between. I hope to write more soon, insyallah :)

don't settle

Push yourself. Don't settle. Just live.

I just finished watching the movie 'Me Before You' on streaming. When the movie first came out at the cinemas, I thought that it was just another one of those sappy, soon-you-will-forget-about-it kinda romantic movie. Weeks after that, reviews came about and a few people asked me if I had watched it. Curiosity grew on me and by the time I wanted to watch it at the movies, they were no longer showing it.

The movie tells of a young girl, Lou, who is given a job to take care of a disabled man, Will. Now, Lou is a cheerful, witty and charming girl who is so full of life and so full of potential. Will, on the other hand, is sarcastic, sad and hopeless, all due to the accident that he got into that made him paralyzed from the chest down. Prior to the accident, Will engages actively in sports, water sports, cycling and everything under the sun, which explained how he became how he is now. With Lou's positivity and funny outlook on life, she successfully made Will her best friend, brought him out to see the sun, to the beaches, and then, they developed feelings for each other. I won't reveal the ending if you haven't seen it, because you absolute have to watch it!

I love Lou's character.. She is sooo funny and sooo positive. She stands on her ground, even if she was facing her own employer.. She doesn't give a damn and she is just original.. People like these inspire me greatly :)

Please watch it okay?

He says YES

Sometime last week, we had visitors from the Philippines at the mosque. They were given a guided tour of the mosque by Brother X.  I tagged along to assist. After showing them how to do ablution (wudhu'), Brother X explained a little bit more about why we need to do ablution before praying. I couldn't remember how exactly the question was from the visitor but it goes along the line of, can you talk to God? So Brother X said of course, and He even answers our doa in 3 ways. 

Number 1 - He says YES and then you get what you prayed for

Number 2 - He says YES and gives you what you prayed for, a bit later

Number 3 - He says 'I have something better in store for you.'

Brother X continued, "Sometimes God doesn't give you what you want because He knows that if you get what you prayed for, you will forget about Him. For example, you prayed for career success. He knows that if you get the career you wanted, you would have no time to do your prayer on time, or you neglect your prayers completely."

I listened attentively and reflected about my past life. My jahiliyah days, so they call it. And true enough, I did pray to have something I wanted so much. And when I finally get it, I neglected Him. I did things He wasn't pleased with. Looking back on those awful times, I just pray that He will forgive me and accept my repentance. 

I remember seeing a video about one of Allah's nature is that He is the Most Forgiving. So in this particular video, in a land full of humans (it is actually padang masyar where we will be resurrected one day) there is a human talking to God, answering to all of his sins and asking Allah to forgive him. But when it came to confessing about this particular big sin, Allah made sort of like a curtain surrounding that human, so that no one else can hear about that sin that the human is talking about. It was like the sin was erased completely on his book of sins/deeds and the only one who knows about it is Him. That is how merciful and forgiving He is.

Anyway, back to Number 3, Brother X explained that sometimes we don't get what we want because He has something better in store for us. Like our health. One of His favors which we always take for granted. I've had good health since I was young. Occasional fevers and stress-induced migraines but other than that, everything else is ok. 2 weeks ago, I have been diagnosed with something . I had to go for several blood and urine tests, going in and out of clinics and hospitals just to get it confirmed and probably fixed. It couldn't be fixed, but it can be controlled. So I am currently under medication until forever, I guess. There you go for not really taking care of myself. 

After listening to Brother X's explanation, I had tears welling up in my eyes. Sometimes kan, Allah really sends certain people in our lives to deliver certain messages or to protect us from harm. And for this masjid tour, I really believed that some visitors are just meant for the correct tour guides themselves. I wouldn't know what to answer to some of the more challenging questions from the visitors. 

Another thing I've learnt is that most of the times, things like charity and volunteering, people usually and generally think that we are helping others out. But what they don't know is that sometimes, we are actually helping ourselves to find our inner peace and to fix our relationship with God. 

I guess that IS the whole idea. 

army on repeat

I've started to listen to Ellie Goulding's song, 'Army' eversince his passing. I think it's 'cos the song was repeatedly playing in the plane after I got the news. Yeap, I got the news 20 minutes before my flight. The flight was full but surprisingly, I was the only 1 sitting at my aisle, which I was sooo glad for because I had the space to keep myself together and the space to cry. 

I know that I've been messed up
You never let me give up
All the nights and the fights
And the blood and the breakups
You're always there to call up
I'm a pain, I'm a child, I'm afraid
But yet you understand
Yeah like no one can
Know that we don't look like much
But no one fucks it up like us

16 and you never even judged me
Matter of fact I always thought you were too cool for me
Sitting there in the caravan
All the nights we've been drunk on the floor
And yet you understand
Yeah like no one can
We both know what they say about us
But they don't stand a chance because

When I'm with you
I'm standing with an army 

Dark times, you could always find the bright side
I'm amazed by the things that you would sacrifice
Just to be there for me
How you cringe when you sing out of tune
But yet it's everything
So don't change a thing
We both know what they say about us
But they don't stand a chance because

When I'm with you
I'm standing with an army

Weird how we notice the little things they do, only when they're gone.
 

ode to a bestie

I reached Tanah Perkuburan Islam Bukit Teratai, Ampang at around 6pm. 

Probably the longest drive ever, I feel. The only time I've complaint a lot during a drive. Why did they have to build bumps every 5 meters? Why don't they have alternative routes at this part of the town? Why don't they build a gas station on this side of the road so that I didn't have to make a U-turn just to fill up gas? Why don't all Petronas have CIMB ATMs? Why didn't I top-up my Touch'N'Go card earlier? Why why whyyyy?

When I finally drove into the cemetery's parking lot, there were a few cars parked inside. But the saddest thing is seeing our cars, the 4 of us parked side by side. Imran's car, Ummie's car, Hash's car. Thing is, it wasn't Hash who drove his car today. Because he was already buried 6 feet under just after Asar prayers that evening. I parked my car next to Hash's and made my way to the burial site.

I saw Ummie first. She was leaving the cemetery because she needed to get back to the office. We hugged and sobbed uncontrollably. I didn't have any words to say. "Ok beb, aku nak kene gerak dah ni.", she said. I walked weakly towards Imran who's still standing beside Hash's burial ground. He has been crying, too. There were not many people left and it was getting dark.

He told me that they did the jenazah prayers in Masjid Taman Kosas and buried the body straightaway. Everything happened so fast. But I was glad that Hash's journey into the next life was smooth and quick. And he passed away in this blessed Ramadhan month. Imran shared the time when he and Hash were discussing about my plans to leave KL for good this year and that he was so sad about it because he couldn't see much of me anymore. But he was the one who went away first :( We shared the travel plans that Hash had for us this year, an Australia adventure and a New Zealand road trip. At the back of my mind, I was imagining what will happen to our occasional gathering with no Hash around. Will we still be together? It won't be the same. 

We left the cemetery close to 7pm. 

There were lots of messages on my Whatsapp and Facebook about Hash's demise. But the one that I will remember most, from today, is from another friend of ours, N. She is part of our gang but she started to get busy starting end of last year so we didn't see much of her lately. 

"I'm sorry I wasn't seeing much of you guys lately. I've to attend some personal stuff. There's just to many to update you guys on. Work, life, loves.. And as you can see, I've chopped off my Rapunzel hair.. I wanted to get myself ready to wear tudung.. If you can do it, I can do it too, babe."  Right in the feels, man.

And then she said, "Look, why don't we berbuka together somewhere and then terawih." She struck my chord.

"Let's find someplace to berbuka" she continued.

"Or, we can berbuka in the masjid and then terawih after that," I said.

"Sounds like a good idea! Any masjid you nak pergi?"

After listing some beautiful masjids, N said, "Let's go visit Hash during Raya, recite some yassin"

I smiled. That is exactly what I have in mind for us this Raya.

She continued, "Babe, I have to stop 'berhuha' already. Dah terlebih tahun ni. I want to become a better Muslimah.I might need some help from you. "

Some time ago, I said the same thing. So I said, "Don't worry. When you decide to become better, Allah will send good people to guide you."

Alhamdulillah.

And, you know what came out from Hash's passing? I made 2 new friends who are friends of Hash's. I've never met nor talked to them before and we kept on updating each other on Hash's conditions prior to his passings. And we shared words of encouragement. 

Hash, you're no longer around but you still bring benefit to those around you. May Allah keep you safe, and may He put you in the best of Heavens. You're gone too soon. It was so fast. The last time we talked was by your hospital bed. You kept saying sakit.. sakit. I wish I had more time with you. I wish I had entertained your sometimes ridiculous requests on where to eat, 'cos you love eating and hanging out. Your dream wife and dream life, you shared with me. I wish we had more time.

Goodbye, buddy.

long night drives

There is something about long night drives that take the stress away. And it has been like that for me for years. I remember years ago when I was in staying in Seri Kembangan, nearly every Sunday night, I would go out of my house just to cruise around SK area, sometimes to get myself a cone of McD's ice-cream, sometimes just to drive around. But the feeling is such a serene feeling, made my sleeps better. Then I moved to Damansara, which is a pretty congested area even on weekdays. So I couldn't really continue my love for night drives because the traffic jams would make me even more stress! 

Sometime last year I moved to somewhere as peaceful as how Seri Kembangan was and I regained access to long drives again, woohoo! I actually just got back from grocery-shopping at Tesco to just get some fresh milk, juices and some woman-ly stuff :P And also to drive after a whole day at home. And uh, to get some McD's ice-cream and apple pie which I have been craving for months. Oh, by the way, next to where I stay, there is this big lake that is beside the main road, so am really, really loving this place.

After graduating my weekend classes (alhamdulillah!), now I have more ample time for myself to do what I like during the weekends, and for a few weeks now after the graduation, I kept thinking on what to do on weekends! Feels so weird :P 

I thought of taking up more physical kinda classes, like Aikido, for example. I used to take Tae-kwon-do lessons when I was in high school and I love it. I love the teamwork, the teachers, my team, the classes, everything. Sometimes we get invited to perform for some of the state's sports event like the launching of Rakan Muda (yeah, remember that?), and I love the ambiance of it all, the sweats, the rehearsals, the pride of wearing the Tae-kwon-do attire while carrying the national flags. Gosh, I miss those times and I miss having such a passion for something that I love, I miss being around those who have the same level of passion that I do, if not more. 

I have a few classes I really want to join this year to challenge my fitness level a little bit. Hehe.
How about you? Anything you haven't done that you really, really wanna do this year? 

jual tanah

Found this while scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook and this reminded me of my father.

A few months before my graduation day (years ago of course..hehe), I told my father about the convocation ceremony. To which he congratulated me and told me something I won't forget. 

"Papa is sorry because Papa can't afford the money to bring all of us there. Maybe Papa can jual the tanah here so we can all attend your convocation."

But Allah is Maha Kaya.

I was able to secure a job right after I finished studying and with that little money, they could all go to Penang to see their kakak graduate :')

Today, we still don't have much, but alhamdulillah, we still have each other ♥

of faith and food

After a longggg usrah hiatus, yesterday we were all united again talking about the 4 women who were promised Jannah. I'm not gonna go over them but just gonna share the lessons that I've learned. We have only started with Asiah, Firaun's wife,yesterday so here goes : 

That we will be tested with what we love most and the most dear to us. 

Say if we love our wealth a little bit too much, Allah will test us with our wealth, maybe lost of wealth or tested with abundance of wealth but we won't be thankful for it. Firaun was tested with his wealth. 

That Allah's protection is much more than a mother's protection. 

When Allah gave revelation for Prophet Musa to be placed in a basket and put into a river, Musa's mother confidently let him go into the river with tawakal and full faith that Musa will be in good hands. 

That what can block you from seeing the truth is arrogance. 

When Prophet Musa was born, he was blessed by Allah in a way that if anyone who looks at him, their hearts will be filled with love. Even the midwife who helped deliver Musa (and at the same time is also Firaun's 'spy') fell in love with the bundle of love and did not report his birth to Firaun. But Firaun didn't have any love for Musa at all because of his arrogance.

That we should continue learning our deen even if our spouses are not doing the same.

Nowadays, usually it is the women who go to majlis ilmu or majlis agama. The number of men most of the time doesn't even reach half of the female audience, so some wives are actually complaining that it is them who are always on their feet trying to better themselves whilst their husband prefer to stay at home. However, Allah shows that Asiah has a tyrant husband but she never complains.

That it is easy to associate a person with what is shown on social media.

Don't judge anyone outwardly. Don't have opinion on anything. She might be hiding her faith in her heart.

And the one I love the most is this one.

That you can be strong with Allah despite whatever that you go through.

When my naqibah (the sister who leads the usrah) was in Yemen, she had to wear the niqab because that is what everyone is wearing. But when she wears the niqab, it feels as if she is alone with Allah, that she can freely do zikir whenever and wherever she wants because her face is covered, so people won't say she is crazy per se for talking or chanting to herself. And even if she smirks or do all kinds of facial expressions, others won't be able to see it so it is sort of an escapism from things that can bring trouble to her. She will only need to answer to Allah. I was like wow, I never thought of it that way. But it doesn't mean that I'm gonna wear just the same okay? Not yet, long way to go. Not sure if I can even go there :P

The end :)

I had an off day today and decided to go and try out that Cronut from Dotty's that everyone is raving about in Instagram. Go search! Hehe. I dragged my partner-in-crime along, my bestfriend, Mimi.

Here you go. 

This Salted Egg Yolk Cronut is priced at RM11 per piece and I kid you not, for that price, it is so worth it! The layers of crispiness and the mix of sweet and salty filling is just to-die-for. 

You must try this as soon as possible.

I had this lamb stew which was recommended by the very helpful waiter. Not too bad although I think they could use a little bit more flavour to add to it. I meant the lamb stew, not the waiter. Hehe

The shop is located in Taman Tun Dr Ismail (TTDI) at Jalan Tun Mohd Fuad 2. Same row with Mcdonald's. 

After that, we had a quick stop at Paradigm Mall to fix my phone. I couldn't send out emails from my phone until it is finally fixed today. Hooray! Had to do it from my laptop every time. After getting it fixed, I had to send my date home a little bit earlier because she had an emergency. 

Going to be on an early flight tomorrow and I have not packed my bags yet. Until I see you on my next post, take care :)

i decided this should be documented..hehe

While waiting for the lift at the office yesterday, an ex-colleague whom I haven't seen in 3 years (despite working in the same building!) said, "Hey Amy. I think you lost a lot of weight la. What happened?"

Coming from this blunt person and from someone who does not give compliments much, is like a WOW to me. 

So I said, " Are you sure it is not because of the tudung?" (I haven't started donning my hijab then)

"No,no, no.. you memang lost a lot of weight. What did you do?"

I grinned. LOL. Give me some credit la guys. 

Anways, the lift came and before stepping in, I said, "Thanks! You made my day!"

That was exactly it. The compliment did make my day after some stressful weeks at work.

Gonna have a retreat to my own little lovely sanctuary tomorrow. 

Have a good week!

be with those beyond our years

A dear sister, Kak M, went to Yemen Ramadhan last year and spent the entire Ramadhan and a few days of Eid there. She went to Tareem, specifically. 

Tareem is a town in Hadhramaut, Yemen, whose important focus is in Islamic learning and has been a place where many Islamic scholars are produced. When she  got back from Yemen and shared her experience there, we were all listening in awe and amazement. According to her, the people of Tareem are one of the nicest, kindest, the most humble people on earth, possibly the only people alive now resembling those who have lived the life of the people during the prophethood of Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. They are living the sunnah everyday in their daily lives, activities, in their speech. One of the things I remember from what she shared was that the women in Tareem are treated like a queen, that you don't have to go out to buy groceries and stuff. Your groceries will go to your door and you just have to pick what you want. I would want that (I think, to a certain level). When Kak M got back to Malaysia, she shared a beautiful poem about Tareem. which I will share here maybe in my next post, because Tareem is not what I'm gonna talk about in this post but see how far I have gone on the introduction(!). Lol. 

Anyway, Kak M also shared, that in Tareem, when you go to visit other people's house especially those older than you, you are expected to share some stories with them. Not a gossip session, mind you :) Something like a sharing session about the Quran, or about any knowledge that you have, and then, they will share their knowledge too and there will be some serious discussion on the topic, while giving or getting a massage or something like that. That is what I want to write about. The sharing session. That was what Kak M pointed out to us in usrah that day, that to gain knowledge, be around the circles of those who are way beyond your age, so that you can find benefit in what they talk about. 

Thing is, I'm never one who chats a lot, especially with the elderly because to me, they always seem to portray that they are always right. They're not, really! So when I got the chance to sit and chat with them for the past few weeks (and today, too), it has given me a rather different perspective about life.

 Brother X is my mentor for one of my volunteering activities. He frequents the masjid for congregational prayers, sits in classes for Arabic, hadith, basically Islamic knowledge despite his old age, takes responsibility of his duties seriously. When he has free time in his hands, he will start discussing about the deen or about his travel experience with all of us in the room. A few weeks ago, he shared some of his experience during his Jahiliyah days much to my surprise, because he is quite a private person. There are a few key take-aways that I've noted for my reference from that session, but the one with the biggest impact on myself has got to be seeing Allah's great mercy for him to get from a low place of jahil to where he is now. A better person who contributes so much to the society. He also related about this one incident while doing his umrah (when he was still in his Jahiliyah days), there were a lot of issues  that he has encountered, from his visa, to his delayed flights, to his (miscommunicated) hotel bookings. But the best thing was that when he finally got his hotel room issue sorted out after a long, tiring day, and then walked into the room, the view from his room was of the beautiful clock tower and the magnificent Kaabah! No matter how much we've done wrong in our life, Allah pasti akan bagi some rahmah to us. Nampak atau tak je, sebenarnya. Not that we go to Mekah to just see these man-made beauty of course.. we've got bigger plans! Hehe

Aunty B, was married to an Italian and was living abroad for quite sometime. She got a divorce (alhamdulillah, she said) after some 20 something years and got back to Malaysia because she wanted to become a practicing Muslim. It was very hard, she said, to live a Muslim life abroad when those close to you are not practicing the deen. When she got back, she bought a house nearby a masjid on purpose, so that she can't find any excuse not to pray in the masjid. She is a very humble lady, kind and has a very positive outlook on life. She now takes in a Syrian kid in her home while he studies in KL. 

These people just amaze me. And now I am still finding ways on how I can make an impact to others like how they did. I'm still learning, too. And being patient, really is a great virtue. While driving home today, I was thinking, how much of my life is spent towards the worldly life and how much of it do I spend towards the akhirah? And I must say, I'm ashamed of myself :(  Yesterday, I attended a talk on the life and geniuses of the 2 companions, Umar al-Khatab and Abu Bakar as-Siddiq and I learn that everyday, we are only using 40% of our capacity. I thought to myself, at 40% capacity of my daily life, I feel that I have exceeded doing what I need to do for the day because I was draining out of energy so much.

And that's just using 40%. Imagine if I were to really use 100% of my capacity. I can do so much more at work. But how do I do that without draining energy so much? Time management, the speaker said. Which I am sooo bad at. 

Let's put that in my 2016 resolution. I want to be a better me. I want to love myself more and marvel at the world more. I want to step it up on making that impact and make more plans into actions. God willing! 

peugeot in Jannah please!

After class yesterday, my classmates and I were chatting while walking towards our cars. I've never seen what they drive, so yesterday I did. One was driving a Toyota Camry, one was driving Honda City, and another was.. a brand new Peugeot 508! My dream car! 

I on the other hand, am only driving a Proton :')

Feeling a bit of inferiority complex (that's what they call it,right? ahaa). It's like that peer pressure thing we had in high school, the only difference now is the 'toys' are getting more expensive. 

Couldn't help feeling a bit of envy seeing their sleek cars drove away. So much class and elegance, I thought. If only I could have one myself. I mean, at this age, I should have one, I thought again. I can have one but long ago, I chose not to spend my money on cars and decide to spend it on house instead. So what I have now is actually a product of my own choice.  But, I don't even have a house now :') 

Some time ago, I also decided to change my lifestyle. So there's a lot of things I used to do and have that I don't do and have now. 

But that's not the point.

I was still driving and thinking about the cars when an interview on the radio caught my attention. It was on IkimFM and as usual, I can't remember the ustaz's name. But the thing he said that I remember clearly and then had it on repeat on my mind was, 

'Bagilah aku tetap mensyukuri nikmatMu'

Masyallah, dear God, You're talking to me right there, kan? Clearly I am not thankful enough and as usual, You were always there to remind me :')

So now I'm back on track (on track sangat) and all those remeh-temeh things I have thrown out of the window. This path is just so full temptations and at times demand my highest level of patience and syukur. Be patient, Weina, please. Sekejap je dunia ni ok. Please persevere. For all you don't get in this life, insyaallah, Allah s.w.t will reward you with far more better things that you can't possibly imagine. Hang in there, Weina. 

Better still, redeem your Peugeot in Jannah ok, Weina? 

before i call it a night

A few days ago, sister Arina shared this status on her Facebook.

"Whatever happens, Allah first. He then will send His help through the people around us, things, ideas, inspiration, knowledge, situation etc.

And no such thing as "coincidence".

Trust and have faith in Him

"And your Lord says, "Call upon Me; I will respond to you" (Ghafir 40:60)

Masyallah, those words stuck with me until today because no 1, alhamdulillah I've experienced them myself, and no 2, I agree totally that there is no such thing as coincidence. They're all parts of His divine wisdom. Whatever that happens in your life, there is a wisdom behind it, which may come later in life :) Insyallah.

Anyways, I have been praying for this one thing in my life which to me, seemed a bit far-fetched to be made real. At least not this soon. A few days ago, I made a more specific doa just to be granted this one thing. And alhamdulillah, today morning, I got a call, and it seems to be a start to getting my doa fulfilled. Alhamdulillah... I can't thank Him enough :')

And.. an hour ago, a good girlfriend of mine, messaged me out of the blue asking me if I could refer any religious class to her.. because she wants to start her hijrah :') Nangessss. It always gives me goosebumps (good goosebumps, btw) whenever anyone I know, decide to live a better, more meaningful life :) She says, she intends to don a hijab too, one day :) Ameen to all of her doa, and I believe Allah will ease her journey insyaAllah. 

Sometimes I think I take things for granted too much. He grants His servants's doa in a blink of an eye.. but I still solat kat hujung-hujung waktu.. :( I'll make effort to be better, insyallah..  

Hey, is that rain I hear? After many weeks of haze, it finally rains, alhamdulillah. Hopefully it will clear the haze. Good night all, and always have faith :)

  

the money that was not for me

Last month I was broke, with the house-moving and all. A week before payday, all I had left in my bank account was less than RM100, and you and I know very well, it won't last until the next week. At that time, I was really, really hoping for miracles to happen. 

I remembered listening to Ikim.FM one day, where one muallaf was talking about the days he first became Muslim. Because of his decision, his family, friends and fiancee left him, leaving him with no money at all. So he prayed to Allah for some amount of money. The next day, some guy honked his car infront of the muallaf's house, asking if he was Mr-So-and-So. So, he said yes. And then the guy said, "I don't know why but I had a feeling that I have to give this envelope to you." And he left.

So the muallaf opened up the envelope and guess what, inside it is a sum of money with the exact amount that he had asked from Allah. Subhanallah, how great is that! Kalau Allah nak bagi petunjuk kat orang tu, Dia akan bagi je, kan?

So, based on that incident, I, too, prayed to Allah that night, for some sum of money, at least to last me a week. The next day, I withdrew what I thought was the last RM100 I had. And I requested for the printed receipt. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the balance that I had in my account. It was exactly the amount that I prayed for, from Allah last night! I felt chills down my spine, and had goosebumps all over my arm. I went into my car and had quite a hard time understanding what my friend was talking about at that time. I was distracted.

I relayed the whole incident to my brothers in our Whatsapp group, including the story of the muallaf. 

And now, I have extra money to spend until my payday. 

But then, Allah has better plans for the rezeki that He has put down at the eleventh hour for me. A few days after that, I was told by my brother that my grandma had just passed away, as per my previous blog entries. You see, that money that I prayed for, He gave them to me so that I could buy a flight ticket back to my kampung. So that I could see nenek for the last time. Nothing is ever a coincidence.

That money, was actually for nenek :'(

Subhanallah 

nek ijah (part 2)

PART 2

Reached my grandparents's house at approximately 9++pm. I walked through the sea of unfamiliar faces, looking for a familiar face. The first that I recognized was Nek Wa, my mom's mother, sitting outside with the rest of the elderly. We hugged and cried, not exchanging any words. And then, I walked into the house and saw a partition. Curtains drawn to cover the area and instantly I knew nenek was in there. I still couldn't see any familiar faces. Then, someone sitting down tugged me from behind. 

"Na...". 

It was Mok Mie, my aunt. I hugged her and we broke into uncontrollable sobs. I feel her. I feel her sadness. I love my Nek Ijah so much. I miss her. I've been missing her since before puasa. I've been dreaming about her, missing to hug her because the last time I saw her during my brother's wedding in February, I didn't really spend time with her. I've prayed to Allah that He gives all of us enough time to see, hug and ask for forgiveness from each other during Raya this year. I cried in my prayers, probably because Allah has given me the sense that we are running out of time. Allah loves her more.

We recited Yassin the whole night. Some of my aunts and uncles didn't even sleep.

The next morning, after sahur and congregational Subuh prayer, we got ready for mandi jenazah. I joined in with my aunties. My first time doing mandi jenazah. I wanted to do this for nenek. Ironically, a few months ago, I attended a jenazah course with Nadi Anissa. You see, there is a reason for everything, there is never a coincidence, subhanallah. Tears kept streaming down our faces. Once finished, each of us, her children and her grandchildren, took turn to kiss her. The last to kiss her was her husband, my grandpa, Nek Yan. Before he kissed her, he was sobbing like a child. I had never seen Nek Yan break down and seeing him like that made all of us cry more. Nek Ijah and Nek Yan always do things together, breakfast, solat, morning talks, going to the market, everything. They are so close to each other. To lose part of your life is heart-breaking. No wonder, sabar is half of our iman. To attain sabar is definitely hard work.


Nenek's body is carried out to the living room for solat jenazah and then, to the cemetery ts to be buried. It was a scorching hot day, as usual as Ramadhan is always a hot month, but it was windy and breezy, which eased the burial process. Alhamdulillah, Nek Ijah went in peace, in a holy month.


It has been 2 weeks since her demise. My dad is still in the kampung to accompany my grandpa. InsyaAllah I will be back just before Raya. Hopefully I can stay there a bit longer this time around.

May Allah grant the best of heaven for Nek Ijah and may Allah ease her journey to the Hereafter, ameen.


Return to your Lord, pleased, and well-pleasing (surah al-Fajr)

nek ijah (part 1)

         Assalamualaikum everyone. Above anything else, I would like to wish you a blessed Ramadhan. This is going to be a lengthy post I thought at first but I figured, oh well, let's just do them in parts.

So this is part 1.

PART 1

       Last Monday approximately around Zohor (noon) time, my beloved grandmother has been called to return to our Creator. She was my father's mother and the closest grandmother that I have. I was about to have my lunch break when I received a text from my brother informing me that Nek Ijah had passed away. I teared up instantly and requested from my boss to take time (and days) off. I went straight to the airport feeling heavy.

     Bought my ticket at the airport as online booking was off limits to flights with less than 4 hours of departure time. Flight was at 4:20pm and I left the office around 2pm. Was numb the entire journey. Reached Sibu at approximately 6:30pm. My dad and my cousin were already waiting for me at Sibu Airport. Broke our fast at the airport and continued our 2-hour journey by land to my beloved kampung.

To be continued.

Meanwhile, please include her in your doa, thank you so much.

change ourselves

Squeezing this in before my lazy mood takes over, again. 

So, I had brunch over the weekend with my girlfriends whom I see something like once a year, at The Red Bean Bag, Publika. We had gossip session over our egg benedicts, baked eggs, something called 'Sumo' which is a pan-fried salmon steak (yummy!) and a dessert called 'Skycrapers', basically a stack of fluffy pancakes topped with chocolate sauce and maple syrup, served with caramelized slices of bananas, blueberries and strawberries. Didn't take any photo as I didn't feel like it. I don't really take photos these days, I don't know why. Anyways, we moved to taking a stroll along the bazaar in Publika. A bazaar of mostly headscarves, kaftans, blouses, praying attires, quirky fruit juices (read : Apple Medley. Not too bad if you like lemongrass - or was it celery - in your drinks). Then, I stopped at a booth selling beautiful scarves. I stopped because the lady manning the booth was so familiar to me. So while she was explaining about the scarves that she sells, I interrupted her nicely and told her that she looked familiar. 

"You look familiar. I think I know you through some activities by Project Amal." I explained, and her eyes lit up. 

"Oh, was it the gelandangan (homeless) project?" 

"No, it was way back. The one with the kids from the orphanages, where we brought them to go buy books at the Big Bad Wolf book sale?" 

"Oh yeah. Yeah, that one." She smiled weakly and continued while touching the tudung she was wearing, "I haven't started wearing tudung at that time." And then, she took a step back, arranging the scarves on the table.

Man, Right there and then, I felt so bad bringing up the whole thing. I know how it feels when people talk about the time when I wasn't wearing my tudung yet. The J-days (Jahiliyah days, as my naqibah calls it :P). I still go through this and whenever people talk about those days, my heart sank. Just last week, my colleague emailed me a screenshot of my business profile photo that the company has put on our company website 3 years ago. Let's just say, I wasn't proud of the photo. I know how she felt, but I didn't mean to make her feel that way. And I didn't even say sorry :( I didn't know how to. It was so awkward. I felt sad. 

She was very different this time around. She was more humble, as opposed to 2 years ago. My impression of her then, was a snobby rich kid (dear God, please forgive me). Look how she turned out, alhamdulillah. May Allah protect her. He guides whom He wills kan? 

Allah teaches us in wonderful ways, like this one. So, when people judge others unfairly, it makes me sad because I know, those being judged CAN be better than those so-called 'judges', with God's will. Muslims calling non-Muslims as kafir. You know what, through experience yang tak seberapa ni, I can tell you that actually, some non-Muslims are MORE Muslims than the Muslim themselves and some Muslims are MORE kafir than the kafir themselves, if you get what I mean. After all, the ultimate purpose of us being created diversely is for us to get to know each other well, NOT to condemn/put down those who are not of the same skin-colour, beliefs, status etc. 

There's this saying by Marie Curie, 

“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.”

With the crisis that are happening in the world (or in our very own country) right now, I suggest for us to do more reading and research, not just taking things at face value. Understand what is going on, why do things happen that way, instead of listening to the rumors (of those who refuse to understand). 

Please, and thank you.