The other night, Mister threw a question at me which caught me by surprise and it took me some time to finally understand what was it that I feared for in a relationship.
"It would be different kan if I was a local? You would've said yes straightaway and we would be making arrangements already."
I pondered on that and I realized that, that was not actually the case. It did not matter where he came from, I am sure of that.
"No, where you come from does not matter. It's just that coming to this day is a big thing which I never thought will come. I never thought I would finally be able to be here, you know. Deciding big things like this. Because... "
I stopped midway and choked. At that instance, I knew I was about to let the skeleton out of its closet.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry sayang,"
He said quickly, stepping in as my voice trailed off. Sounds drama a bit kan. I just wanted to remember this moment.
"Because, I was always the second option. The second best. You faham tak?"
There I said it. Some scars just never heal. They stay in the closet with you until reality hits you one day and everything then makes sense.
The next thing came in a blur because obviously I was tearing up and he was trying his best to comfort me. I vividly remember feeling like I was in one of my religious classes, catching words and phrases like 'what's past is past', 'life is a series of tests', 'you passed the tests before', 'the only thing that matters is how it will be in the future' .. blabla.. Honestly I couldn't remember the rest but I know that it felt like I was listening to my ustaz giving us tazkirah. Actually I never saw this side of him being in his 'ustaz' mode and frankly speaking, I needed that reminder. But the best thing I feel is that there were no words of promises, just reminders to rely only on Allah.
My weakness in all of my previous relationships is that I depend too much on people and their promises. And as a result, when I get heart-broken, it took some time for me to move on because I was always asking myself what is wrong with me. Truth is, we are all each created perfectly in our best form. There is nothing wrong with us, just some silly expectations that we created in order to have a so-called perfect relationship, when in fact we could channel our worries and hopes to the only one that could make it happen according to our best interest.