skeletons

The other night, Mister threw a question at me which caught me by surprise and it took me some time to finally understand what was it that I feared for in a relationship.

"It would be different kan if I was a local? You would've said yes straightaway and we would be making arrangements already."

I pondered on that and I realized that, that was not actually the case. It did not matter where he came from, I am sure of that.

"No, where you come from does not matter. It's just that coming to this day is a big thing which I never thought will come. I never thought I would finally be able to be here, you know. Deciding big things like this. Because... "

I stopped midway and choked. At that instance, I knew I was about to let the skeleton out of its closet.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry sayang," 

He said quickly, stepping in as my voice trailed off. Sounds drama a bit kan. I just wanted to remember this moment.

"Because, I was always the second option. The second best. You faham tak?" 

There I said it. Some scars just never heal. They stay in the closet with you until reality hits you one day and everything then makes sense.

The next thing came in a blur because obviously I was tearing up and he was trying his best to comfort me. I vividly remember feeling like I was in one of my religious classes, catching words and phrases like 'what's past is past', 'life is a series of tests', 'you passed the tests before',  'the only thing that matters is how it will be in the future' .. blabla.. Honestly I couldn't remember the rest but I know that it felt like I was listening to my ustaz giving us tazkirah. Actually I never saw this side of him being in his 'ustaz' mode and frankly speaking, I needed that reminder. But the best thing I feel is that there were no words of promises, just reminders to rely only on Allah. 

My weakness in all of my previous relationships is that I depend too much on people and their promises. And as a result, when I get heart-broken, it took some time for me to move on because I was always asking myself what is wrong with me. Truth is, we are all each created perfectly in our best form. There is nothing wrong with us, just some silly expectations that we created in order to have a so-called perfect relationship, when in fact we could channel our worries and hopes to the only one that could make it happen according to our best interest. 

Him.   

your heart is stronger than you give it credit for

Hello guys! How are you? 

Gosh, it has been more than a year since I last wrote anything here. I miss writing but life just took hold of me a year ago and I found myself pretty much occupied with work most of the time. The days and nights are crazy, weekends too, basically just devoting my life to work. So nowadays I would just upload stuff on my Instagram, which is more convenient :) I miss writing on this blog, I seriously do! Now I've quit that company (yup!) and just landed myself on a new job, doing what I used to do some few years ago but for a slightly demanding client and a more demanding environment. What the cat was I thinking when I took the offer?!? They say be careful of what you wish for kannnn?

Nah, amek kau.

So these days, I'm feeling quite stressed out to the point that I thought of just leaving the corporate world and go migrate to Perth and do something more relaxing, like work in a bookstore, sell something in the morning market or something along the line. I'm not getting any younger so I feel like I should be looking after my health more and feed my soul more with good things. So, while we are at it, if you are someone who lives in Perth and looking for someone to look after your bookstore yada yada, please hire me! :P (not kidding)

On my way to work every morning, I would be caught up in the deadly PJ traffic, so I would have some time to check out my Facebook in the car. One morning, I stumbled upon a video by Aida Azlin talking about heartbreaks. No, I'm not heartbroken or anything like that but the points that she was talking about in the video was so good. Ok, I'll share some bits and pieces of them here:

1. There's no shortcuts to healing but we can all try to cope with the pain. 

Some of us just numb and suppress this feeling, some of us cry to sleep, some of us throw ourselves to our work to keep ourselves busy, whatever coping mechanism that we choose, know that it will only take your mind off your real feeling just for a while. It doesn't deal with the feeling that you have. The only way to deal with the pain is to write it out, and give it time. 

2. Please help yourself to heal.

Your heart is stronger than you give it credit for. While you are still hurting, your heart is already preparing itself to heal, to forgive, to move on. But if we are still picking on our scabs, i.e keep on revisiting old memories, or when we insist to hold on to things or people who are already left, we are being our own obstacle to our own healing. 

3. Use that energy to be creative.

All this feeling that you have right now because of the heartbreak is a form of energy. Use that energy, in a productive way. Don't use it to scheme for revenge etc. Use the energy to be creative. Write it out, paint it out, go run a marathon, climb a mountain. Just use that intense energy to benefit you. Use it to grow into a much wiser, stronger, better you. Like a version 2.0. Look at what Adele did. She made a whole album about her heartbreak and it won her 6 Grammys and made her lots of money. 

Such wonderful advice, right? Since then, I have been utilizing the hours in the morning traffic listening to her videos and that helped me to be more motivated and inspired to start work. Come to think of it, I think this is the answer that I was asking Allah for when I just couldn't take the work stress any longer some time back. And amazingly, most of the times kan, I would ask Him specific question like, is it really my fault or am I being too sensitive? The next thing I know, I get the answers through Aida's video, talking about the exact same thing :)

You are truly all-Hearing, all-Seeing and the Most Compassionate

So guys, if you love these stuff, head over to Facebook or Youtube and search for Aida Azlin. She does amazing videos and she writes about her reflection on life through weekly love letters.

Til then, see you when I see you. Take care and please pray that Allah will make it easy for me in my work and everything else in between. I hope to write more soon, insyallah :)