don't settle

Push yourself. Don't settle. Just live.

I just finished watching the movie 'Me Before You' on streaming. When the movie first came out at the cinemas, I thought that it was just another one of those sappy, soon-you-will-forget-about-it kinda romantic movie. Weeks after that, reviews came about and a few people asked me if I had watched it. Curiosity grew on me and by the time I wanted to watch it at the movies, they were no longer showing it.

The movie tells of a young girl, Lou, who is given a job to take care of a disabled man, Will. Now, Lou is a cheerful, witty and charming girl who is so full of life and so full of potential. Will, on the other hand, is sarcastic, sad and hopeless, all due to the accident that he got into that made him paralyzed from the chest down. Prior to the accident, Will engages actively in sports, water sports, cycling and everything under the sun, which explained how he became how he is now. With Lou's positivity and funny outlook on life, she successfully made Will her best friend, brought him out to see the sun, to the beaches, and then, they developed feelings for each other. I won't reveal the ending if you haven't seen it, because you absolute have to watch it!

I love Lou's character.. She is sooo funny and sooo positive. She stands on her ground, even if she was facing her own employer.. She doesn't give a damn and she is just original.. People like these inspire me greatly :)

Please watch it okay?

He says YES

Sometime last week, we had visitors from the Philippines at the mosque. They were given a guided tour of the mosque by Brother X.  I tagged along to assist. After showing them how to do ablution (wudhu'), Brother X explained a little bit more about why we need to do ablution before praying. I couldn't remember how exactly the question was from the visitor but it goes along the line of, can you talk to God? So Brother X said of course, and He even answers our doa in 3 ways. 

Number 1 - He says YES and then you get what you prayed for

Number 2 - He says YES and gives you what you prayed for, a bit later

Number 3 - He says 'I have something better in store for you.'

Brother X continued, "Sometimes God doesn't give you what you want because He knows that if you get what you prayed for, you will forget about Him. For example, you prayed for career success. He knows that if you get the career you wanted, you would have no time to do your prayer on time, or you neglect your prayers completely."

I listened attentively and reflected about my past life. My jahiliyah days, so they call it. And true enough, I did pray to have something I wanted so much. And when I finally get it, I neglected Him. I did things He wasn't pleased with. Looking back on those awful times, I just pray that He will forgive me and accept my repentance. 

I remember seeing a video about one of Allah's nature is that He is the Most Forgiving. So in this particular video, in a land full of humans (it is actually padang masyar where we will be resurrected one day) there is a human talking to God, answering to all of his sins and asking Allah to forgive him. But when it came to confessing about this particular big sin, Allah made sort of like a curtain surrounding that human, so that no one else can hear about that sin that the human is talking about. It was like the sin was erased completely on his book of sins/deeds and the only one who knows about it is Him. That is how merciful and forgiving He is.

Anyway, back to Number 3, Brother X explained that sometimes we don't get what we want because He has something better in store for us. Like our health. One of His favors which we always take for granted. I've had good health since I was young. Occasional fevers and stress-induced migraines but other than that, everything else is ok. 2 weeks ago, I have been diagnosed with something . I had to go for several blood and urine tests, going in and out of clinics and hospitals just to get it confirmed and probably fixed. It couldn't be fixed, but it can be controlled. So I am currently under medication until forever, I guess. There you go for not really taking care of myself. 

After listening to Brother X's explanation, I had tears welling up in my eyes. Sometimes kan, Allah really sends certain people in our lives to deliver certain messages or to protect us from harm. And for this masjid tour, I really believed that some visitors are just meant for the correct tour guides themselves. I wouldn't know what to answer to some of the more challenging questions from the visitors. 

Another thing I've learnt is that most of the times, things like charity and volunteering, people usually and generally think that we are helping others out. But what they don't know is that sometimes, we are actually helping ourselves to find our inner peace and to fix our relationship with God. 

I guess that IS the whole idea. 

army on repeat

I've started to listen to Ellie Goulding's song, 'Army' eversince his passing. I think it's 'cos the song was repeatedly playing in the plane after I got the news. Yeap, I got the news 20 minutes before my flight. The flight was full but surprisingly, I was the only 1 sitting at my aisle, which I was sooo glad for because I had the space to keep myself together and the space to cry. 

I know that I've been messed up
You never let me give up
All the nights and the fights
And the blood and the breakups
You're always there to call up
I'm a pain, I'm a child, I'm afraid
But yet you understand
Yeah like no one can
Know that we don't look like much
But no one fucks it up like us

16 and you never even judged me
Matter of fact I always thought you were too cool for me
Sitting there in the caravan
All the nights we've been drunk on the floor
And yet you understand
Yeah like no one can
We both know what they say about us
But they don't stand a chance because

When I'm with you
I'm standing with an army 

Dark times, you could always find the bright side
I'm amazed by the things that you would sacrifice
Just to be there for me
How you cringe when you sing out of tune
But yet it's everything
So don't change a thing
We both know what they say about us
But they don't stand a chance because

When I'm with you
I'm standing with an army

Weird how we notice the little things they do, only when they're gone.
 

ode to a bestie

I reached Tanah Perkuburan Islam Bukit Teratai, Ampang at around 6pm. 

Probably the longest drive ever, I feel. The only time I've complaint a lot during a drive. Why did they have to build bumps every 5 meters? Why don't they have alternative routes at this part of the town? Why don't they build a gas station on this side of the road so that I didn't have to make a U-turn just to fill up gas? Why don't all Petronas have CIMB ATMs? Why didn't I top-up my Touch'N'Go card earlier? Why why whyyyy?

When I finally drove into the cemetery's parking lot, there were a few cars parked inside. But the saddest thing is seeing our cars, the 4 of us parked side by side. Imran's car, Ummie's car, Hash's car. Thing is, it wasn't Hash who drove his car today. Because he was already buried 6 feet under just after Asar prayers that evening. I parked my car next to Hash's and made my way to the burial site.

I saw Ummie first. She was leaving the cemetery because she needed to get back to the office. We hugged and sobbed uncontrollably. I didn't have any words to say. "Ok beb, aku nak kene gerak dah ni.", she said. I walked weakly towards Imran who's still standing beside Hash's burial ground. He has been crying, too. There were not many people left and it was getting dark.

He told me that they did the jenazah prayers in Masjid Taman Kosas and buried the body straightaway. Everything happened so fast. But I was glad that Hash's journey into the next life was smooth and quick. And he passed away in this blessed Ramadhan month. Imran shared the time when he and Hash were discussing about my plans to leave KL for good this year and that he was so sad about it because he couldn't see much of me anymore. But he was the one who went away first :( We shared the travel plans that Hash had for us this year, an Australia adventure and a New Zealand road trip. At the back of my mind, I was imagining what will happen to our occasional gathering with no Hash around. Will we still be together? It won't be the same. 

We left the cemetery close to 7pm. 

There were lots of messages on my Whatsapp and Facebook about Hash's demise. But the one that I will remember most, from today, is from another friend of ours, N. She is part of our gang but she started to get busy starting end of last year so we didn't see much of her lately. 

"I'm sorry I wasn't seeing much of you guys lately. I've to attend some personal stuff. There's just to many to update you guys on. Work, life, loves.. And as you can see, I've chopped off my Rapunzel hair.. I wanted to get myself ready to wear tudung.. If you can do it, I can do it too, babe."  Right in the feels, man.

And then she said, "Look, why don't we berbuka together somewhere and then terawih." She struck my chord.

"Let's find someplace to berbuka" she continued.

"Or, we can berbuka in the masjid and then terawih after that," I said.

"Sounds like a good idea! Any masjid you nak pergi?"

After listing some beautiful masjids, N said, "Let's go visit Hash during Raya, recite some yassin"

I smiled. That is exactly what I have in mind for us this Raya.

She continued, "Babe, I have to stop 'berhuha' already. Dah terlebih tahun ni. I want to become a better Muslimah.I might need some help from you. "

Some time ago, I said the same thing. So I said, "Don't worry. When you decide to become better, Allah will send good people to guide you."

Alhamdulillah.

And, you know what came out from Hash's passing? I made 2 new friends who are friends of Hash's. I've never met nor talked to them before and we kept on updating each other on Hash's conditions prior to his passings. And we shared words of encouragement. 

Hash, you're no longer around but you still bring benefit to those around you. May Allah keep you safe, and may He put you in the best of Heavens. You're gone too soon. It was so fast. The last time we talked was by your hospital bed. You kept saying sakit.. sakit. I wish I had more time with you. I wish I had entertained your sometimes ridiculous requests on where to eat, 'cos you love eating and hanging out. Your dream wife and dream life, you shared with me. I wish we had more time.

Goodbye, buddy.

long night drives

There is something about long night drives that take the stress away. And it has been like that for me for years. I remember years ago when I was in staying in Seri Kembangan, nearly every Sunday night, I would go out of my house just to cruise around SK area, sometimes to get myself a cone of McD's ice-cream, sometimes just to drive around. But the feeling is such a serene feeling, made my sleeps better. Then I moved to Damansara, which is a pretty congested area even on weekdays. So I couldn't really continue my love for night drives because the traffic jams would make me even more stress! 

Sometime last year I moved to somewhere as peaceful as how Seri Kembangan was and I regained access to long drives again, woohoo! I actually just got back from grocery-shopping at Tesco to just get some fresh milk, juices and some woman-ly stuff :P And also to drive after a whole day at home. And uh, to get some McD's ice-cream and apple pie which I have been craving for months. Oh, by the way, next to where I stay, there is this big lake that is beside the main road, so am really, really loving this place.

After graduating my weekend classes (alhamdulillah!), now I have more ample time for myself to do what I like during the weekends, and for a few weeks now after the graduation, I kept thinking on what to do on weekends! Feels so weird :P 

I thought of taking up more physical kinda classes, like Aikido, for example. I used to take Tae-kwon-do lessons when I was in high school and I love it. I love the teamwork, the teachers, my team, the classes, everything. Sometimes we get invited to perform for some of the state's sports event like the launching of Rakan Muda (yeah, remember that?), and I love the ambiance of it all, the sweats, the rehearsals, the pride of wearing the Tae-kwon-do attire while carrying the national flags. Gosh, I miss those times and I miss having such a passion for something that I love, I miss being around those who have the same level of passion that I do, if not more. 

I have a few classes I really want to join this year to challenge my fitness level a little bit. Hehe.
How about you? Anything you haven't done that you really, really wanna do this year? 

jual tanah

Found this while scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook and this reminded me of my father.

A few months before my graduation day (years ago of course..hehe), I told my father about the convocation ceremony. To which he congratulated me and told me something I won't forget. 

"Papa is sorry because Papa can't afford the money to bring all of us there. Maybe Papa can jual the tanah here so we can all attend your convocation."

But Allah is Maha Kaya.

I was able to secure a job right after I finished studying and with that little money, they could all go to Penang to see their kakak graduate :')

Today, we still don't have much, but alhamdulillah, we still have each other ♥

of faith and food

After a longggg usrah hiatus, yesterday we were all united again talking about the 4 women who were promised Jannah. I'm not gonna go over them but just gonna share the lessons that I've learned. We have only started with Asiah, Firaun's wife,yesterday so here goes : 

That we will be tested with what we love most and the most dear to us. 

Say if we love our wealth a little bit too much, Allah will test us with our wealth, maybe lost of wealth or tested with abundance of wealth but we won't be thankful for it. Firaun was tested with his wealth. 

That Allah's protection is much more than a mother's protection. 

When Allah gave revelation for Prophet Musa to be placed in a basket and put into a river, Musa's mother confidently let him go into the river with tawakal and full faith that Musa will be in good hands. 

That what can block you from seeing the truth is arrogance. 

When Prophet Musa was born, he was blessed by Allah in a way that if anyone who looks at him, their hearts will be filled with love. Even the midwife who helped deliver Musa (and at the same time is also Firaun's 'spy') fell in love with the bundle of love and did not report his birth to Firaun. But Firaun didn't have any love for Musa at all because of his arrogance.

That we should continue learning our deen even if our spouses are not doing the same.

Nowadays, usually it is the women who go to majlis ilmu or majlis agama. The number of men most of the time doesn't even reach half of the female audience, so some wives are actually complaining that it is them who are always on their feet trying to better themselves whilst their husband prefer to stay at home. However, Allah shows that Asiah has a tyrant husband but she never complains.

That it is easy to associate a person with what is shown on social media.

Don't judge anyone outwardly. Don't have opinion on anything. She might be hiding her faith in her heart.

And the one I love the most is this one.

That you can be strong with Allah despite whatever that you go through.

When my naqibah (the sister who leads the usrah) was in Yemen, she had to wear the niqab because that is what everyone is wearing. But when she wears the niqab, it feels as if she is alone with Allah, that she can freely do zikir whenever and wherever she wants because her face is covered, so people won't say she is crazy per se for talking or chanting to herself. And even if she smirks or do all kinds of facial expressions, others won't be able to see it so it is sort of an escapism from things that can bring trouble to her. She will only need to answer to Allah. I was like wow, I never thought of it that way. But it doesn't mean that I'm gonna wear just the same okay? Not yet, long way to go. Not sure if I can even go there :P

The end :)

I had an off day today and decided to go and try out that Cronut from Dotty's that everyone is raving about in Instagram. Go search! Hehe. I dragged my partner-in-crime along, my bestfriend, Mimi.

Here you go. 

This Salted Egg Yolk Cronut is priced at RM11 per piece and I kid you not, for that price, it is so worth it! The layers of crispiness and the mix of sweet and salty filling is just to-die-for. 

You must try this as soon as possible.

I had this lamb stew which was recommended by the very helpful waiter. Not too bad although I think they could use a little bit more flavour to add to it. I meant the lamb stew, not the waiter. Hehe

The shop is located in Taman Tun Dr Ismail (TTDI) at Jalan Tun Mohd Fuad 2. Same row with Mcdonald's. 

After that, we had a quick stop at Paradigm Mall to fix my phone. I couldn't send out emails from my phone until it is finally fixed today. Hooray! Had to do it from my laptop every time. After getting it fixed, I had to send my date home a little bit earlier because she had an emergency. 

Going to be on an early flight tomorrow and I have not packed my bags yet. Until I see you on my next post, take care :)

i decided this should be documented..hehe

While waiting for the lift at the office yesterday, an ex-colleague whom I haven't seen in 3 years (despite working in the same building!) said, "Hey Amy. I think you lost a lot of weight la. What happened?"

Coming from this blunt person and from someone who does not give compliments much, is like a WOW to me. 

So I said, " Are you sure it is not because of the tudung?" (I haven't started donning my hijab then)

"No,no, no.. you memang lost a lot of weight. What did you do?"

I grinned. LOL. Give me some credit la guys. 

Anways, the lift came and before stepping in, I said, "Thanks! You made my day!"

That was exactly it. The compliment did make my day after some stressful weeks at work.

Gonna have a retreat to my own little lovely sanctuary tomorrow. 

Have a good week!