There are times when you just want to reminisce the good memories and actually pray that the bad news is actually a bad dream you had which you haven't recovered from. But I know that this is not a bad dream. It's real. It's real because until today, I would be suddenly awakened an hour or hours before my scheduled wake up time, rolling on the bed until it's time for work.
That is an improvement, actually. Initially, I couldn't sleep at night. Or if I (managed) to asleep, I would just get about an hour's sleep and that's it. I've lost weight, which is good, but I've lost my appetite as well. I think what happened is that, I've lost myself.
I've lost myself, but I haven't lost my iman. Of course, there were several occasions where my iman has been tested. I guess I can thank my girlfriends and family for just being there and being very understanding towards my situation.
I have been searching for answers to this whole fiasco, but the more I probe, the more he pushes me away. I hope he understands that I am trying to make sense of what is really happening, so I can get a clear picture of where everything went wrong and how or what do we do from here.
Honestly, I am happy with him. This is pretty evident in some of my previous blog posts. Maybe that's why when these things happen, I get destructive, to the point that I took up jogging just to make my body tired, so that I can sleep at night (which didn't happen). On one occasion after work, I was feeling so rejected that I didn't want to go home and feel the hollow and the loneliness. Right there and then, I decided to seek some warmth and love (and sanity). I called up my aunt in Shah Alam and asked for a home-cooked meal. She prepared ikan goreng, chicken curry and stir-fried vegetables in just less than an hour after my call. That was one of the best dinner I've had in the longest time. And her advice to me was 'It's okay. Everything is going to be alright.'
This, coming from a single mum. The same woman whom I never saw shed a tear all my life, until she sent off her son to the National Service camp in another part of the country.
Right now, I'm still gathering my strength. I'm still waking up in the middle of the night, still telling myself each and everyday that there is a reason behind this and to be strong.
Thing is, when you've gone through hell and back, you're never really quite the same.