You see, sometimes being a first child is a tiring process. We tend to have that feeling of wanting to carry responsibilities so much, that at times, we forget to prioritise our responsibilities to ourselves. This, first and foremost, includes understanding ourselves, and what we really want in all aspects of life. Because of this, we can't help but to think first of others's needs, be it our parents, siblings, friends, colleagues etc, you know the drill.
Yes, it is a good thing to put others's needs first than your own (or so they say) but in the long run, it begins to take its toll on yourself and your life's goals and long before you knew it, truth hits you in the face, and lo and behold, you will then realise that some of these people are actually using you to achieve their goal, not really caring much on how that affects you.
And just like that, life whizzes by, and you are left on your own, mending your own shit.
Not that I am complaining, let's just say I am pretty much used to doing things on my own, anyway, and sometimes to the extent that I do not, at all, want help from anybody, just because I don't want them to go out of their way doing things for me, which, I am not so sure if that is a good thing, or a bad thing.
But honestly, sometimes people like me (I know there ARE others who share this same mindset), they want to have people who would willingly extend their help WITHOUT being judged, or being cornered into returning the favour whatsoever. I mean, I would love to have people organise parties/lunch/dinners/getaways for me, or have people drive me around, or plan a surprise for me, and all these WITHOUT any hidden agenda. I would love to have all these because like I said, it is tiring to always be the one in charge.
First child syndrome, they call it. The one who has to have a brave front, no matter how bad the situation is. Of course, because you need to be the stronger one among all the rest of your siblings. You are the role model after your parents and no matter how deep is their shit, you need to be the most grounded.
Having said this, when things fail, you feel an urge to take up the responsibility as the one who has caused the failure, and this is really bad because it can affect your self-esteem. I, for one, sometimes regret that I wasn't always there with my family to see them grow up and grow old. Honestly. Sometimes I think that if I were there, things would've turned out differently, if not better.
This probably means that God has set up this path for me and I might just find my way out eventually, but until then, I just need to keep being positive, I guess. I love my family and my friends too much to be abandoning them just to cater to my desires. I know of some families who do that and I seriously thank Allah that I still have my family to return to when life hits rock-bottom. Friends come and go, but family, they will be there for life, even when you are wrong.