For about a month now I've been trying to keep my heart numb. To have no feelings at all. Physically there, mind only on the subject matter in front of my eyes, or the subject matter for the week, for example, the projects. Still, this does not include the freaking workload that always seem to be building up, no matter how hard you work to get them finish on time (or before time for that matter), no matter how many projects/process improvements you have just to make you do your work faster or more efficient. SIGH MAN SIGH! Sometimes I wonder have I made the wrong decision after all? I mean, people actually tried to pull me out of the sinking sand but I keep on saying to myself that it WILL eventually stop sinking. At times, I think I've lost my mind. Aaahh..
To top it all up, NO Raya leaves this year.I did apply, and got a measly 3 days! No extension because apparently those who does NOT celebrate Raya decides to take this amazing opportunity to take their own vacation/time offs doing personal things. WTH? I am definitely gonna do something about this next year, oh yes I will.
My exact feelings are simplified into the below 2 descriptions :
1) A little hamster running in a wheel in its cage. Running round and round, never getting to its destination.
2) A piece of wet cloth being squeezed until dry... andddd still being squeezed again and againnnnnn...
So, it's now 2 days to Raya and of course, there will be bombards of questions like, "Bila balik Raya?" or "Tak balik Raya ke?" and "Kenapa tak balik?" (tapi memang dah ada questions tu semua). I dread those questions, really. It is so sad. I know they mean well but you know, it's sad laaaa..
Last night while I was all ready to snore, I was suddenly hit with a pang of just missing my family so much. So I .. cried teresak-esak.. Waaa.. long time didnt cry like that leh.. I had sore eyes the next day. But I think part of what I've been hiding under the numb exterior for the past weeks has been released a bit.
Today my Mak, Papa and my youngest brother headed their way back to kampung in Sibu. It has been years since I went back too and I really wanted to meet my relatives, anak-anak buah, cousins, pakciks, makciks, nenek, datuk.. I miss them so much.. Hmm, earlier I was listening to Aman Shah's 'Kepulangan Yang Dinanti' and again, aku cuba mengeraskan hati from menangis dan meronta-ronta.. Haha.. (ketawa kesedihan sebenarnya).
Tomorrow there will be less people at work, which means double/triple workloads. I just want to finish work and get home as fast as possible. I wanna be numb until Raya is over. I don't want to think about Raya and the feelings that go with it.
Now I'm thinking of settling down in Kuching, for good. To have eternal fulfillment and content alongside my family. I believe that is best solution. I hope Allah will show and guide me the path. Amen.
Selamat Hari Raya. Maaf zahir and batin.