Thank God it's raining again.This past few days has been a series of perspiration and hotness! I spent this weekend at home 'cos I wanted to, 'cos I need rest, mind, body and soul.
The last few weeks was a chaos, what with work and personal stuffs. Got loadsa crap going through my mind. Hopefully this crap is not affecting my work. No it's not I guess, although some MORE crap are happening at the office *sigh* But I GOTTA move on no matter what!
How or what am I feeling now?
Honestly, it feels like the first time I lost my first love when I was in Form 5.It's like losing your walking stick. It's like this, I really want to call him up, ask him how he's doing, go out with him again like normal friends would, BUT, I know, I know for sure I'll only be hurting myself. Like how I did in Form 5. Like how I found out that he seemed fine,that he's missing me as well, that he wished that we were back again together, but evidently he wasn't all that 'cos not long after he met someone new. It's sucks, you know. Having your dreams shattered just like that. Having to know that what you want the most is him but at the same time you can't 'cos it will inevitably kill you inside. Double-edged sword.
But what do I do? How do I navigate this? I learnt a lot after the first break-up and I told myself I'll be ok the next time 'cos I had been there. Yet, now I'm clueless.
There will be phases of this thingamajig.And now I'm at Phase 1.Still trying to take everything in, one at at time. Still at that de-attaching process.Trying to limit communications with him.Wonder will I ever be able to de-tach myself from him? From thoughts of him? It's hard. It's harder when I'm alone, especially at night. I guess I just had to keep myself busy. Damn, it's hard.
Some of my friends suggested me find someone to talk to, another guy. But I don't want to have some kind of a rebound relationship. Probably need to have limit something like that. I would love to have someone to talk to, someone who cares, someone who will not fall in love with me (vice versa). But I guess I'm not ready. Not ready in a lot of ways, not ready to open up. That's me. If I have a lot on my mind, I tend to shut myself down in my room, my house. Not going anywhere, or talk. I just want the tv and the laptop to keep me company. I guess that sometimes scare people away. Huh. Crap.Plus, I don't want to meet another liar, another mintak puji/mintak kesian dork, another sweet talker, another pussycat. I'm scared, seriously. This is what they call traumatized eh?
Guess life goes on. But it's gonna take awhile for me to take another chance.Or to do anything again. Erk, sappy la. I'm sad. Never cried this much since that Form 5. I gotta get a grip or something. I know I'm better than this. I just need to have distractions and lots of willpower.
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will - Mahatma Gandhi
The idea behind "Talentime": That as humans, we have to go through a lot of pain and some measure of suffering before we can reach greater heights.
Some might say this somewhat echoes the principles behind THE FOUR NOBLE TRUTHS. But more accurately, the idea really comes from my own observations that some of the best moments in my life were those moments where I failed, or had my heart broken.
Why? Because those were the moments that have shaped me, made me a better person today, and helped me attain my highest achievements - Yasmin Ahmad
Friends, please forgive me for being off at times, for not being a friend I've always been lately.